Into - Step dad at wits end with my BPD Daughter

[MommaBear79]

Hi all,

I am new here I have an 18 yr old daughter with suspected BPD. She has drained every ounce of energy my husband (her step-dad) and I have. I am exhausted. He is at his wits end with her. Her presence in the house makes his miserable, tense and anxious, the air is tense every time she walks in the door. He can't take it anymore. She is disrespectful, selfish, doesn't care about anyone but herself, she is always the victim, nothing is ever her fault, she has an excuse for everything. She has problems getting along with everyone teachers, co-workers, friends, etc... .but it's because everyone else is a XXXitch. I understand you can't change people. But I am at a loss for what to do to help my husband cope with her and not lose his mind or have him leave me. Has anyone out there asked their child to move out to save their own sanity? I know and understand her mental health is fragile but which is more important hers or mine?

Thanks!
MommaBear79

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi momma bear

It's such a similar story to many others here. Just totally exhausting, unless you experience the devastation of BPD nobody can truly understand. Im very sorry you're going through this and I can relate to your husband not being able to cope. My husband has struggled, we've all struggled.

Has your daughter been diagnosed?

Is your daughter in college? Or working and able to support herself?

Hugs

LP

[Lollypop]

Sorry, I missed the "suspected" word. I couldn't modify the post as I'd gone over thevtine limit! Doh!

[jacinth]

I had a similar situation with my adult daughter. My husband, their stepdad, and I have helped (enabled) my daughter for 15 years now. She is 37.  She refuses to get help, has made so many poor decisions, and has drained us financially.  Now there are two grandchildren.  We love and care about her, but the stress on us has become too great. We are no longer willing to have her live in our home. Any further help from us is contingent on how she treats us and on her getting help for her mental health. It took us a long time to set these firm boundaries, and it feels awful. Unfortunately, none of the ways we tried to help changed anything. This is a tough road. Be compassionate with yourselves. And, yes, your mental health is as important as hers.

[MommaBear79]

My daughter has not been diagnosed yet. It is suspected by our family Dr. and her social worker. But the last psych evaluation she had before she turned 18 did not diagnose her as such. She has had an ADHD diagnosis since she is 7 and also has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety I have been told it is very hard to diagnose BPD in teenagers. I have read the book Stop walking on Eggshells and it definitely sounds like my daughter. How old were your daughters when they were diagnosed?
My daughter works part-time and is not going to college. We are trying to encourage her to get more hours and apply for other jobs but she lacks motivation and the desire to do more. She is lazy and doesn't want to do more than the bare minimum. At this point she would not be able to support herself or take care of herself therefore I don't feel like asking her to move out is an option. And if I ever asked her to move out I think she would hold that against me for the rest of my life, she would forever be the victim. So for now we are trying to make sure we take the time to take care of ourselves.   
I couldn't agree more unless you have dealt with a child like this you can't truly understand how exhausting it actually is.

Jacinth - I don't blame you for no longer willing to have your daughter live with you. Good for you for setting firm boundaries, although it feels awful I am sure you know deep down it is what will hopefully help her. We have set boundaries with our daughter as well in hopes that she will learn to help herself and I always feel awful for "being the bad cop". However I have helped her every way I know how so now she needs to decide she wants to help herself as I can't do it for her. I have provided her with all the tools now she needs to use them. You and your husband need to take time to take care of yourselves.

[Hisaccount]

I can only say for me, what would help me.

With the situation I am stepping into and the situation I left behind. I need to know I am not the horrible things this teenager calls me. I need to be reminded that this is a sick child. Not someone who will probably even remember half of what they say or do. 

I need time to myself. In order to heal myself, recover.

Then I need support and reassurance that I and my SO are in this together as a team.

It is probably different for everyone but that is what I am going through right now. I need a night off but I am currently the only possible caretaker for these kids. So I don't get a night off.

Hopefully he can give you the same support.

Starting this process with my current GF and her daughter I often tell my GF it is you and me and against the world. If you can believe that it will go a long ways towards dealing with this with love and kindness.
Work together, be consistent. Don't undermine. Defend each other.

Let the step daughter know you love her but that you love him as well. My GF will often say to all of the kids, that he (meaning me) has done more for you already then their piece of **it father ever did.

It makes me feel good, lets me know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing also shows the kids that they cannot divide us.

[Lollypop]

How old were your daughters when they were diagnosed?

My daughter works part-time and is not going to college. We are trying to encourage her to get more hours and apply for other jobs but she lacks motivation and the desire to do more. She is lazy and doesn't want to do more than the bare minimum.

My DS got dx at 24 following a crisis. He'd left home 3x up to this point.

My DS was completely the same. Honestly, he did mature as he got older. I remember him saying "but I want to work now". It was a complex mix of his limitations, lack of confidence, weed  and his belief he was better than the minimum wage job he was doing. I realised he needed to work outdoors and pushed his attention to working with trees - thankfully this has worked out. If I didn't push then nothing happened - it was just so frustrating.

It's a shame she doesn't want college. It's a matter of building on what's happening. The fact she's holding down a job is so great.

LP