Boundary Question: Safety Fund or Solo Operator?

[Radcliff]

My wife and I had an argument last night about money.  The issue is that I have a checking and savings account in my name as part of my safety plan with enough money in it to pay a retainer to a defense attorney, or to pay first month's rent, if she files a false domestic violence complaint or gets a restraining order against me to have me removed from the house, while at the same time closing all my credit cards and locking our bank accounts -- something she has threatened to do regularly.  (She manages all our credit cards and checks my credit report regularly, and gets all the mail, so operating independently of her here is tough).

The money is not enough to cause any stress to the family finances.  She is upset because during a white period a couple of months ago, I said I would close it.  I had written a couple of checks to my therapist without enough money in checking, and it pulled from savings, resulting in some fees.  She is extremely careful with money and this upset her very much.  I've since set up a backup on the checking so it doesn't happen again.  While I *did* say that I would close it, when it came time to do it, I had misgivings and couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger.  I set myself up for this one by saying I'd close it and having second thoughts, and she is playing the "integrity" card hard on this one, as well as saying I'm not "all in" the relationship.  She says I'm always a "solo operator."  For our whole relationship, I've struggled to maintain the right amount of separation from her when it felt like she was consuming me, sometimes erring on being too separate for some things, so this is a sore point for us.

I didn't refuse to close the account last night -- I simply said that I was worried about it.  I said that I didn't want to be an inflexible jerk (which I can be) but I was also scared what would happen and how I'd feel if things turned black and we ended up right back where we were before.  We've cycled for a couple of decades, so I'd be naive to think that couldn't happen.  I asked for seven days to think about it, which she did not agree to.  I explained that when I feel safer during a turbulent time, I'm more relaxed and able to give her my best.  No dice.

There are three other boundary issues here that I want to mention, then set aside to focus on this financial question (I mention them in part because the last time I had a boundary laundry list, board feedback showed me I wasn't focusing on the most critical one).  The other issues are the fact that when we "argue," I often am not allowed to have an opinion.  She has her view, declares the solution, and I'm bad and will be punished if I don't follow it.  Another issue is that in situations like this, she very quickly goes to marital apocalypse scenarious -- divorce, she's "out," etc., which she did last night.  She has canceled birthday cake for me tonight and has said that if I don't give in on this she doesn't want me and the marriage is over.  I feel like we need to get a handle on this blackmail, but am not sure how to prioritize it compared to our other issues, or  how to put it in the "values" framework for boundaries and start addressing it.  The third issue is sleep -- this discussion went until 2am, the last two hours of which were a total waste, and she threatened to keep me up all night.

The silver lining in this is that our recently established boundary on physical abuse held (thank you everyone for helping me on that!).  There were some times where her temper flared, and I could see her tense up to strike, then she checked herself.  This was nice, and I thanked her for keeping cool.  Another thing I think went well was that when she ordered me out of the bedroom and said that once I walked out of the bedroom I was walking out on the marriage, I said I wasn't walking out with that message attached to it, but I'd be happy to go elsewhere without that message, or she could leave the bedroom if she didn't want to sleep together.  Since her only way to enforce that before was physical abuse, and she was minding the boundary, that pattern ended differently as well.

I do not feel emotionally comfortable closing that account.  I'm quite stressed by the threats she makes.  But the account is probably not necessary for my physical safety, and there is of course a large chance she will never follow through on the threats.  I've brought her quite a bit of stress and heartache from my career in the last four years (quite a lot), including a couple of clear mistakes on my part, so apart from BPD issues, I do feel I owe her.  That said, if she were to follow through on the threats, the account would be a huge help for me to live and cope with any legal issues.

There was a discussion about boundaries lately, and I think this bank account clearly passes the "eyelid" test (eyelids are to keep sand out, so they're relevant to blocking sand, as the account is relevant to protecting me from her threats of legal harm and homelessness).  BUT I don't want to be inflexible and hang on just because I can argue a good case.  I want the marriage to succeed.  I don't want to put myself at unreasonable risk, but don't want to be so risk averse that I screw things up.  I am trying to figure out if I should fight this battle or just let it go.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Bluesbro, Nice new name. I read this earlier, didn't have a chance to respond til now. This really hits home with me. In the past, I can't even remember when now, because of his constant breakup threats I tried to get my partner to agree to setting up such a fund for me. He agreed at the time, but it never happened. This was quite a while ago.

I think this is a very natural part of the off/on nature of these relationships - you wanting this. I can feel in my bones why you feel as if you need one, and that perhaps colors my thoughts here, but I'd keep it. If you have such a fund, I would just be clear about why you have it. Just state why, don't JADE. You have every right to such safety. It's unfortunate you can't keep this previous promise, but the conditions don't make it easy to give it up. And frankly, even if you shut the account, you'll probably just want to keep this safety cash somewhere with someone anyway. No matter our good intentions, or how many called off breakups we have under our belts, it is hard to not want to have some sense of security and this money represents that. Believe me, if I could have any of what you have I would - in terms of a safety plan, money, places to go, etc. I have none of that and am in no position to have any of that. On the other hand that does compel me to use only my words and patience with the situation to survive. I am low at times over it all, hopeless sometimes, more hopeful at others. You know how it is. Anyway, I don't think your wife gets to decide for you what the meaning of this safety fund is. She can define it for herself, and you can hope she understands, but you have clearly stated exactly why you do it. It is not about you not wanting the relationship. I think you are clear about that, but if not just keep reassuring her on this. With the abandonment issues pwBPD have any extra chance to reassure them you have no intention of leaving is worth it.

If you want to take on this "solo operator" debate, if there is other evidence of this that is debatable, go from there. But on this, there need not be a debate in my book. You have every right to do what you have to to keep a roof over your head in the face of threats.

I think the progress you've made on getting her to control herself regarding DV, can perhaps also help with cutting down on the threats - if there really is a part of her that wants this relationship. My partner does want it, I am convinced, and he has learned that he going to that well too many times is damaging.

And hey? Did you have a birthday? Did you get no cake? (Hope this works!)

[donkey2016]

Hello Radcliff,

Happy birthday! Isn't that typical that the BPD person starts an argument when it's your birthday? It's like a celebration creates too much stress for them. Just that I think is a reason enough to stash away money for a safe getaway. Maybe you could close the account and open another one without her knowing it?

I had so many birthdays ruined... .
Donkey2016

[Skip]

While I *did* say that I would close it, when it came time to do it, I had misgivings and couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger.  I set myself up for this one by saying I'd close it and having second thoughts, and she is playing the "integrity" card hard on this one, as well as saying I'm not "all in" the relationship.  She says I'm always a "solo operator."  For our whole relationship, I've struggled to maintain the right amount of separation from her when it felt like she was consuming me, sometimes erring on being too separate for some things, so this is a sore point for us.

You set yourself up.  You had a chance to recover by making this part if the values / boundary on domestic violence. And now you are facing an integrity issue. This get more traction because you are using this money for non-emergency reasons.

Why not limit what the money can be used for (emergencies) and why not give her an equal emergency fund?

[Radcliff]

pearlsw and Donkey2016, thanks very much for the support and the birthday wishes!

pearlsw, nice cake, thanks!   I do appreciate your validation, though on this one, I'm thinking I should follow something else you've taught, which leads in the opposite direction.  I should feel fortunate in many ways if I compare my housing/legal worries to yours, and your level of resilience and empathy sets an example for what is possible.  In this case, I think I need to give my wife a little more security.  It's confusing since we were so recently conflicted on DV, which put me fairly in the "victim" role on the Karpman Drama Triangle.

 https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Skip -- you are right, I made my bed.  I closed the account, and am working on getting myself to the center of the triangle.

[Mutt]

Hi Radcliff,

I think that it would be wise to have emergency funds for a black period. It sounds like she's loosely throwing the D word around and you've been down this road before and more than once, I'd be worried too.  

I think that you'll probably feel huge regret when and if the time comes that you needed to have access to some funds to protect yourself.

Did you feel guilty for having the account? Is that why you chose to close it? I think it's wise what Skip said about having equal emergency funds that way you're both on equal footing - win/win.

[Skip]

I think it's wise what Skip said about having equal emergency funds that way you're both on equal footing - win/win.

Yes.

[Radcliff]

Mutt and Skip -- Yes, the equal funds part was a good idea.  My wife actually suggested that.  But I don't think we'll go there right now.  There are two details I kind of skimmed over.  My wife was stuck on my closing this particular account, because it had incurred fees and she is super frugal, and because I'd said I would.  She was really stuck on it.  I have enough funds in a savings account for first month's rent and a retainer if need be.  I am assuming I could wire it to a lawyer or landlord from the savings account if I had to.  It would have been nicer to have checks, but there's a reason that spare tires are skinny these days -- it doesn't make sense for the backup plan to be as full-featured as Plan A.  Plan A is figuring out a harmonious path with my wife.  So I realized I'd be OK giving up a little comfort. Also, as we were working this out, I realized that the most important thing to me is that she stop making crazy economic threats like canceling my credit cards, etc.  So I added the consequence that if she makes those threats again, I can open a new account.

So I think we're "goodish" for now.  Last night, she was saying she thought the marriage was over and she'd never trust me again.  After all these years, I am still a literal person and it still confuses me when she says things different than what she means.  When she says "the relationship is over" I used to scramble to recover, now I'm inclined to just disengage.  I pushed through that temptation last night, and within a few minutes we were laughing about something together.  So when she said, "I will never trust you again, the relationship is over," what she really meant was "I'm having trouble trusting you and I need reassurance."

Anybody want to do a startup that merges Siri with real time BPD Google-style translate so what our pwBPD are really meaning is translated and sent to our earbud?

Seriously, though, after the progress on DV boundaries, and me overstepping on the finance discussion, for a while I think I need to just be looking to invest with her and build some love/comfort.  I'll see if I can manage that while still building my skills in the background so the next time things head south I can try to recover as gracefully as possible.

[Tattered Heart]

Anybody want to do a startup that merges Siri with real time BPD Google-style translate so what our pwBPD are really meaning is translated and sent to our earbud?

I believe this needs a youtube video.   We've all seen those wife interpretation/husband interpretation videos. Why not a BPD interpretation video?

[pearlsw]

Hey! Yep. These relationship negotiations are tricky with someone who makes a lot of high level threats! Sounds like you are doing a lot of good work though to stand your ground, protect yourself, and be sensitive to her at the same time. I think your overall work is showing her that there are consequences to outrageous threats and there are better ways to communicate dissatisfaction short of going "totally nuclear". Good work my friend!