It has been 8 weeks...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Everything feels so fresh, yet it feels like forever too, I can't believe she just moved out 8 weeks ago!  I had no idea she was suffering with BPD until we went to our normal couples counseling that day and she said she just had to move back to her townhouse.  We had just lost our baby (she was 6 weeks pregnant through our fertility treatments).  The whole thing is a whirlwind.  We haven't been NC because we work together.  She is saying that she is not sure what she wants, she still cares a lot for me, she doesn't want to hurt me.  She just doesn't love herself, she hates that she does this, she always hits this point in a relationship and she wants to get help to fix it.  But she also won't say that she is trying to fix our relationship.  I just do not know what to do.   I want her to be happy, I want her to know that I love her.  I want to understand if there is any hope for us.  I wish she could communicate more than just 'no, she is not sure she is definitely over'.  She says she is not seeing anyone else, she doesn't want to see anyone else. 
Really wondering if all is lost, or if there is any hope that with 2 years in a relationship, many years of friendship.  A shared bank account, matching tattoos, fertility treatments, plans of forever and a love that I have never felt we can overcome this period of what I think maybe splitting?

[dazedheart]

Everything feels so fresh, yet it feels like forever too, I can't believe she just moved out 8 weeks ago!  I had no idea she was suffering with BPD until we went to our normal couples counseling that day and she said she just had to move back to her townhouse.  We had just lost our baby (she was 6 weeks pregnant through our fertility treatments).  The whole thing is a whirlwind.  We haven't been NC because we work together.  She is saying that she is not sure what she wants, she still cares a lot for me, she doesn't want to hurt me.  She just doesn't love herself, she hates that she does this, she always hits this point in a relationship and she wants to get help to fix it.  But she also won't say that she is trying to fix our relationship.  I just do not know what to do.   I want her to be happy, I want her to know that I love her.  I want to understand if there is any hope for us.  I wish she could communicate more than just 'no, she is not sure she is definitely over'.  She says she is not seeing anyone else, she doesn't want to see anyone else. 
Really wondering if all is lost, or if there is any hope that with 2 years in a relationship, many years of friendship.  A shared bank account, matching tattoos, fertility treatments, plans of forever and a love that I have never felt we can overcome this period of what I think maybe splitting?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi dazedheart and

I want to understand if there is any hope for us.

i think there is. its hardly ideal, but confusion ("i dont know what i want" is a lot more workable than determination ("i definitely want to break up".

can you give us some back story on what led up to her moving out eight weeks ago, and what the source(s) of conflict were at the time?

[dazedheart]

The crazy thing is that I was blindsided. And according to her she was to, the more I research now (which has been a lot) I think the fertility treatment was mnot worth the risk. All the hormones with her personality disorder as well as the loss of the baby was probably too much for her to bear. That coupled with her typical "2 year time mark" may just be the trigger for fear and running. At this point we haven't split the bank accounts, my home is still her address on her drivers license, we still share car insurance as well as cell phone policies. 
I truly believe it was just the timing/overwhelming emotional and physical hormones but I want to also give her time and respect and also show her I do love her and will not bail. There wasn't any true conflict that arose otherwise, she really just came home one day and said she needed space, then about 3 days later said she was moving out. Then told me that she was so sorry that she always had this switch inside her happen and she never thought it would happen with me because she actually loved me like she'd never loved before.
Again, she shares with me each time she goes to counseling and says she wants to get help, I'm just not sure that means help fixing us?

[heartandwhole]

Hi dazedheart,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.    That is a huge blow for both of you. Then the double whammy of your partner leaving. That's a very difficult situation.

I'm glad you reached out, because you've found a support family here. You've said your partner is seeing a therapist. That's really great. She likely needs to work through the loss of the dream you both had of your family, as well as deal with the symptoms of having BPD.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist, too? I know it helped me a lot, especially when I was trying to understand why pwBPD kept "switching off and on." Do you have supportive family and friends around you? What feelings are coming up for you?

Keep posting. It helps to share. And there IS hope. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[dazedheart]

Thank you both for your responses, this is a great place to be able to reach out to people who understand what I am going through.  The loss of the baby has been very painful and I have had to grieve alone.  I know that for her it is hard to really accept pain and also, she feels like a failure, even though it is obviously not her fault.  I am really glad that I have been able to research more about BPD and try to understand her pain even though it is not even close to knowing what she goes through.  I have the urge to push her for answers on what her goals are or what she wants for her future etc.  But I keep telling myself to be patient...
Yes, I am seeing a therapist, however my therapist is one that thinks a pwBPD is never going to be a healthy partner and that is frustrating to me.  Has anyone else dealt with that?  What are your opinions?

[heartandwhole]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist, however my therapist is one that thinks a pwBPD is never going to be a healthy partner and that is frustrating to me.  Has anyone else dealt with that?  What are your opinions?

Yes, my therapist wanted a different kind of relationship for me, and hearing that was frustrating at the time. I think it's important to remember that each pwBPD is an individual, so we can't make blanket statements about his/her potential. Studies show that symptoms can recede significantly with time and support.

I'd say work on yourself—read the articles, practice the tools, learn skills—and see how things go. It can make such a difference. Especially if both of you are working toward solutions. The good news is that no matter what happens, these life lessons will serve you in all your relationships, now, and going forward.

I think you are wise to be patient with her as she works through this loss. I know it's hard to live in "limbo." That's why this is a great time for you to work on your stuff, so that you can come back to the relationship with a new perspective and skills. 

heartandwhole

[once removed]

im very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, and i am sorry you are having to grieve alone on top of dealing with these circumstances and no answers.

But I keep telling myself to be patient...

this is a helpful attitude. pressing her for answers will make her feel cornered and force her hand. she may not even have answers.

i suspect you are right in your theory that things just got to be too much for her, and that she also feels like a failure. my mother had a miscarriage, which she grieved, but effects her even two decades later.

it is especially helpful that your partner is seeing a therapist. a good therapist will advise her not to take any big leaps or dramatic actions at the moment. this is a good, and hopeful sign.

when was the last time you spoke, and what about?

[dazedheart]

We speak often because we work together. At times, it feels so comfortable and flirty.  Unfortunately often times I fail and bring things up that are personal.  I am such a type A personality so being without purpose or control is very hard for me.  This week has been particularly hard because of a few other things going on, health wise and professionally so I lost my balance a bit and was quite emotional and reached out to her.  I attempted to talk it out, and she responded but I know that there will be a period where she will be distant.  This is painful because I know it is my fault, which leads to me feeling a lot of guilt.  It is such a difficult cycle to be in.  I am really grateful that I found this site where people understand what I am going through, at the same time, I just feel like I am making so many mistakes.  I want her to be happy, so I tell myself maybe I should just totally release her.  Am I being selfish trying to hold onto hope?  Yet if she didn't want me to hold on, why would she not tell me she was sure she was done?  Is she trying not to hurt my feelings?  I read about so many pwBPD who jump right into new relationships and she assures me she has not and I do not see any signs of another partner.  She also is not attempting to split our mutual accounts.  She has not went NC.  She reaches out to me randomly but is often distant for days outside of work. 
Should I just sit back and try to let her go?  I really want her to be happy... .I want to stop being so selfish... .It just hurts to realize that my dreams are probably just slipping away forever and she has no intention of trying to come back... .
Again, thanks to all for the positive feedback and comfort!

[once removed]

there are a lot of signs (like not splitting mutual accounts, being comfortable and flirty) that she has not shut the door. where that is the case, there is always hope. the goal is not to act in a way that pushes her to shut the door, or tries to force it open. thats what so many of us do. from 30000 feet, this seems less like someone who is just dragging their feet in breaking up with you, and more like someone who needs a whole lot of space to grieve, and the situation is very fragile.

can you give us some more detail on what happened when you say you lost your balance and reached out to her? the specifics will help us be able to tell if youre doing self defeating things. theyll also give us a better picture of the elements you can build on and positively reinforce.

I read about so many pwBPD who jump right into new relationships and she assures me she has not and I do not see any signs of another partner.

this is self defeating and it (pressing her for whether she is in another relationship) will make her feel cornered. you want to appear as someone who is supportive and understanding of the grief she is going through, but also showing respect by giving her that space. you want to be that upbeat, strong and confident guy that attracted her originally. being flirty is good. can you be more specific about what it entails?

She reaches out to me randomly but is often distant for days outside of work. 

when she reaches out, what is the premise? how do you respond?

[dazedheart]

Just as an fyi- I am a female and we were both in our first same sex relationship
I know in my mind, that I need to regain my composure and be stronger and much more patient.  I just start to lose my composure and feel so weak and fear losing her. 
My losing it:  Specifically I asked to see her, we met, I asked her to reassure me that she has not been seeing anyone else, as I cried and basically had a mini-meltdown.  She at first laughed it off as funny, when I asked her not to laugh at my insecurities she began to get upset (I assume due to shame from leaving me and hurting me).  Another example would be my calling her upset about a professional issue, but then going down the rabbit hole of why am I even crying to you about this when I shouldn't be burdening you when you don't want to be with me anyway... . 
Her reaching out:  telling me she isn't feeling well and will be going to the dr, texting goodnight 2 or 3 nights in a row, at work many days she asks to eat together, she recently reached out on 'the worst night ever', tells me when she has counseling... .

Overall I know I need to start to strengthen myself if I want her to see me as a potential for the future again.  I agree that she needs time and space to be able to figure out what is going on. She also likely just hit her timeframe of the normal cycle for her relationship that she lets herself have.  She admitted to me that she won't stay longer than a few years but hasn't been able to figure out why.  Still holding on to lots of hope, just looking for some strength!

[heartandwhole]

Overall I know I need to start to strengthen myself if I want her to see me as a potential for the future again.  I agree that she needs time and space to be able to figure out what is going on.

I think this is the best thing you can do, and I know how hard it can be to focus on ourselves and what we need to do in situations like this. I've been there, too. 

In my view, she is definitely not "done." I'd be afraid of losing her, too, but it really looks like she wants to remain connected as she works through her grieving. Maybe she's scared, too?

What do you think you can do to strengthen yourself? Is there a small step that you can take today toward that?

I think responding to her with warmth and care, without fear (as best you can) will help her feel safe and closer to you.

What do you think?

heartandwhole