Forty years and counting

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I wrote earlier about my sister, who has BPD. After decades of various attempts at treatment, my sister remains exceptionally ill. Presently she is living with a boyfriend, but she has now decided that he is her tormenter, and is contacting me, my 80-year-old mother, and my other sister yet again, crying out for "help." She is angry at all of us, yet at the same time insists that we fly to the state in which she presently lives to "save" her.

Both my mother and I have tried to "save" my sister before. Nothing has worked. My brother, who is a well-established and experienced psychiatrist, says that he does not feel that he has any good ideas about how my sister might get "better." But here we are, getting dozens of phone calls a day, with the usual threats of suicide, etc. I'm in my fifties. My mother in her eighties. We have been going at this for decades. I've been in this forum before.

Has some kind of therapy recently been found that could help my sister? Is there any logic in my continuing to engage my sister, who I know is suffering horribly? Do I do what I did for almost thirty years, and sit and listen on the phone for at least an hour a day, every day of my life, about the hideous details of her abject misery? My mother is devastated by this and frankly I think that she, like my father and grandmother before her, is about to succumb to the misery and simply die.

Is there any logic in my inserting myself into this equation? I keep hearing about how to help a loved one with BPD, how to help, how to help. Forty years, I have tried to help, tried to help, tried to help. Is there any rational reason that I should keep trying? All my interactions with her have ever done is to depress me, made me late for countless social occasions, and cast a pall over my life. When is enough enough? What should I do?

[patroklos]

Hi,

I wrote earlier about my sister, who has BPD. After decades of various attempts at treatment, my sister remains exceptionally ill. Presently she is living with a boyfriend, but she has now decided that he is her tormenter, and is contacting me, my 80-year-old mother, and my other sister yet again, crying out for "help." She is angry at all of us, yet at the same time insists that we fly to the state in which she presently lives to "save" her.

Both my mother and I have tried to "save" my sister before. Nothing has worked. My brother, who is a well-established and experienced psychiatrist, says that he does not feel that he has any good ideas about how my sister might get "better." But here we are, getting dozens of phone calls a day, with the usual threats of suicide, etc. I'm in my fifties. My mother in her eighties. We have been going at this for decades. I've been in this forum before.

Has some kind of therapy recently been found that could help my sister? Is there any logic in my continuing to engage my sister, who I know is suffering horribly? Do I do what I did for almost thirty years, and sit and listen on the phone for at least an hour a day, every day of my life, about the hideous details of her abject misery? My mother is devastated by this and frankly I think that she, like my father and grandmother before her, is about to succumb to the misery and simply die.

Is there any logic in my inserting myself into this equation? I keep hearing about how to help a loved one with BPD, how to help, how to help. Forty years, I have tried to help, tried to help, tried to help. Is there any rational reason that I should keep trying? All my interactions with her have ever done is to depress me, made me late for countless social occasions, and cast a pall over my life. When is enough enough? What should I do?

[Panda39]

Hi patroklos,

I can hear how much you and your mom love your sister.   

Can I ask what your sister has done in the past?  Has she had therapy?  Has she gone consistently? Does she acknowledge her mental health issues?  Does she want help?  I ask because as much as you and your mom want to help your sister you can't do it for her.  The only people we can truly control is ourselves. IMHO it isn't your job to fix your sister it is her job should she decide to do it.

That said I'm also not saying you have to go no contact with her.  There are tools that can help in your communication with your sister, you can create boundaries that can help make things less difficult when you interact with your sister, you can learn techniques that help bring the drama of your interactions down.

Do you think you might be in a co-dependent relationship with your sister?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Can you accept she is who she is as she is?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Panda39

[Turkish]

That's a tough story,  patroklos.

Even if there were a panacea,  your sister would have to be willing to take it rather than being comfortable attached to her own misery. 

It sounds devastating for you and assuredly must be for your mother. 

If you've been here before,  have you read about boundaries? It must be hard,  however.  I can only imagine the what the conversations must be like.  Personally, I'd feel angry since I'd judge that she's put herself in these situations.