Losing my dad...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone-

This is my first time posting or really sharing at all.  I find it so painful to think about the past that I try to avoid it.  My mom was diagnosed with BPD when I was 4.   I don't have any memories of her before her diagnosis and my childhood memories are very traumatic.  The only positive memories I have are when I got to be with my dad when she wasn't around.   I've grown up idolizing him for his devotion to her even though she was so horrible to me, my brothers and especially him.  He used to.try and shield my brothers and I from her wrath as much as we could as kids, but now that I'm an adult things have changed.  My mom is still horrible most of the time but at least I don't live with her anymore so I can have some boundaries.   My dad is still taking care of her and over the years I feel like I've watched the dad I remember slip away.  He makes excuses for her, and appeases her so he can avoid her trashing his office and destroying his stuff (her go to when he goes somewhere she doesn't want him to).  Now he does whatever she says, even when that hurts me like not celebrating my birthday, not coming to events for my children, cancelling on things he promised to come to.  On top of that he vents to me about how his life in that house is like living in hell.  Thinking about how he has given up his life for her as she abuses him and their children makes me feel so sad that I can barely handle thinking about it.  I find I also have these really conflicting feelings of anger towards him for choosing her and what makes her happy (though that is actually impossible) over being a father to me and a grandfather to my children.   How do I reconcile those feelings?   I feel like a little kid saying it, but I want my dad back and I don't think that will ever hapoen.

[OverIt3]

Hi everyone-

This is my first time posting or really sharing at all.  I find it so painful to think about the past that I try to avoid it.  My mom was diagnosed with BPD when I was 4.   I don't have any memories of her before her diagnosis and my childhood memories are very traumatic.  The only positive memories I have are when I got to be with my dad when she wasn't around.   I've grown up idolizing him for his devotion to her even though she was so horrible to me, my brothers and especially him.  He used to.try and shield my brothers and I from her wrath as much as we could as kids, but now that I'm an adult things have changed.  My mom is still horrible most of the time but at least I don't live with her anymore so I can have some boundaries.   My dad is still taking care of her and over the years I feel like I've watched the dad I remember slip away.  He makes excuses for her, and appeases her so he can avoid her trashing his office and destroying his stuff (her go to when he goes somewhere she doesn't want him to).  Now he does whatever she says, even when that hurts me like not celebrating my birthday, not coming to events for my children, cancelling on things he promised to come to.  On top of that he vents to me about how his life in that house is like living in hell.  Thinking about how he has given up his life for her as she abuses him and their children makes me feel so sad that I can barely handle thinking about it.  I find I also have these really conflicting feelings of anger towards him for choosing her and what makes her happy (though that is actually impossible) over being a father to me and a grandfather to my children.   How do I reconcile those feelings?   I feel like a little kid saying it, but I want my dad back and I don't think that will ever hapoen.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. You are not alone. I could have written your post.

While it feels like you are losing your father, what has happened is your father has lost himself in the cycle of appeasement in exchange for a few moments of peace.

My BPD mother also would threaten to destroy or actually distroy my father's important work papers and possessions.

Please read this relationship tools on this board and the drama triangle to help you understand the dynamics in this relationship. You may want to rescue your father from her - but that can backfire on you. If your father wants this to change - he has to be able to do it.

This is the father you have now. Try as best you can to love him without losing sight of who you are and getting into their drama. I hope the lessons here are of help to you.

Hugs-

[Ashabrown]

Oh my god.

I can relate to everything you wrote because I'm struggling with the exact same situation!

My dad was my only parent. I can't ever recall a time where I felt like my mom (who has a mix of BPD and NPD) was ever a real parental figure in my life. My dad tried to shield me the best he could but when he had to go to work she would take advantage of his absence to emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me.

It hurts me that he is still with her. Our entire extended family wishes he would leave her; she has caused so many of my family members so much hurt and pain.

My therapist reminds me that it is HIS decision to stay with her. Just as NotWendy said: "he has lost himself in the cycle of appeasement in exchange for a few moments of peace". This is so hard for me to accept, but I know that in the end there isnt anything I can do to change this situation.

My dad is my hero. He taught me how to take care of myself (he as type 1 diabetes and I was also diagnosed at age 5 - he taught me how to live a good life with a demanding chronic illness). His charisma and love of life, his appreciation of art and music are all things that he passed on to my brother and I. It just hurts my heart so much to know his wife doesn't see or appreciate any of those parts about him. I hate seeing how she bosses him around and how he has no personal space in their home.

I'm so sorry yo have to deal with this. I wish I could offer more helpful advice.

[E2]

That's so similar to my situation. I understand how hard it is. My dad stays with my mom even though she is emotionally abusive and he spends most of his time rushing around her solving her current "crisis." (Several of those daily.) He complains sometimes to me but I can't bring it up myself or he's on the defense. My dad is a different person when she's there. And I don't like my kids to be around that toxicity. It is like losing a parent (and my kids' grandpa) - I really agree with you. I can hear the hurt in that last sentence of yours. I'm so sorry!

[Turkish]

Hi OverIt3,

Your dad is a victim of domestic violence.  It sounds like he isn't in immediate danger from what you described,  but rather a long burn, as it were,  of being on a situation with a violent person,  for sure emotionally violent and oppressive. Given that,  he choosing to stay with her causes you pain.

My r/s with the mother of my children only lasted 6 years.  There was only one incidence of domestic violence, but emotionally, it was oppressive. Thinking back, my feelings were like "do whatever it takes to preserve the relationship." For someone married so long,  such feelings are probably so much more paramount. 

Your dad may be "old school" thinking he deserves it.  That's a feeling, if true,  which you can't change.  That's his world view.  However,  what are the options you can think of to maintain a relationship with him apart from your mother?

[Notwendy]

I agree Turkish. I even called social services when my father was elderly. Their response was as long as he was in sound mind- which he was- and would not seek help himself, there was nothing I could do to intervene. My father was legally an adult and he wasn't breaking the law.

I could also have written the other posts. I considered my father my only parent and when he died, I felt like an orphan. I adored him, looked up to him and so did my children. He also shared his interests with us. I think he enjoyed being a grandpa.

Learning to understand BPD required that I learn to understand the dynamics between my parents and also in families. I had some marital issues and was reading books on marriage. One book I read - Passionate Marriage- ( not exactly a topic you want to read about your parents- but I was reading it for myself). Although the topic is steamy, it was really about relationship dynamics. One of the topics in it discussed how we matched our partners in some emotional way. Other books described the connection between co-dependency and being married to someone with an addiction/disorder.  A marriage counselor pointed out my own co-dependent traits.

I had always seen my father as a victim to my disordered mother. Yet, if what I was reading was true, then I had to also consider that he "matched " her level of disorder in some way. This was hard to consider- her was my "normal" and most loving parent. He worked to support us all. How could this be? But relationship dynamics occur on an emotional level. Something about my parents connected them, and this bond between them was strong even if I didn't understand how he could have been so attached to her.

I think I can say for all of us- our fathers loved us. However, these types of relationships can be like addictions. Addicts are powerless over their choices and unless they choose to get help for them, the addictions persist. I needed to come to a place of understanding, gratitude ( thank goodness I had a loving parent as a child) and also forgiveness for how much it did hurt to lose my relationship with my father. He lived with her all the time, and I didn't.

I understand the hurt though. I think daughters love their daddies in a special way. They are our heroes. We naturally idolize them. However, our fathers are also human, with their strengthens and weaknesses- like all of us. 

[Alastor]

That sucks. It must be difficult to not only see your father suffer but also to lose him as an enabler to her. There are no winners in BPD.

My own father eventually took off and was a horrible person, so thankfully BPDm didn’t have many enablers around. It must complicate everything.

[Notwendy]

For me, it was worse to see the way my BPD mother treated my father than how she treated me.

He was old, and sick, and watching this was traumatic- so much that I called social services.
 
My mother didn't cook and so he was left to fend for himself. Now, I am all for equality for women and shared household duties, but my mother didn't work ( ever )  he supported her, and he was old and sick and she wouldn't fix him a meal and I couldn't comprehend this.

When I visited, I would make him healthy meals, do things to help him out. I so wanted him to have kind and affectionate words for me, especially since I didn't know how long he'd be alive but I didn't get them. Sometimes he would just turn on me with anger in his eyes- a terrible anger.

It is hard to have a parent who treats you poorly- at least you can dislike them. By my adolescence, I had stopped hoping for a relationship with my mother. But my Daddy? He was my only parent, my hero. I can't just dislike him too. It felt very hurtful, but eventually, understanding BPD relationships helped me to not take it personally. It took some time to get to that point.

[dillpickle]

I so wanted him to have kind and affectionate words for me, especially since I didn't know how long he'd be alive but I didn't get them. Sometimes he would just turn on me with anger in his eyes- a terrible anger.

I get that look sometimes too, Notwendy. Most of the time though, it's utter disappointment, and a look like he can't stand the sight of me. He doesn't even speak to me properly on the phone. It's often, "yes - what do you want?" or "hi, what is it about?". It's so hurtful and confusing that someone who should love you unconditionally speaks to you like that.

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening to you, Overit3. It's awful, and I wish it wasn't happening to any of us. I am incredibly angry at my mom for tearing our family apart, but I am more hurt and feel betrayed by the fact that my dad lets her do it -- and accepts not seeing his daughters or his grandchildren. How is any of this okay? Unfortunately, I don't think you can make him choose, because he's been in a relationship with your mom for years. I think we just have to love and accept them for who they are, at this point in time, and try not to overly invest in the relationship.

[Turkish]

I used to wish my mother had married and given me a dad,  if only to have a safe parent.  I realize now that it was engaging in idealization.  I likely would have ended up here anyway. 

[Notwendy]

Turkish, it is sad the wishes we had as children for parents who love us.

For me, I had a Dad. I credit him for so much good in my childhood. He did love his children.

It was later - when I began to have boundaries with my mother, that the relationship took a turn. In my mother's world, you are either on "her side" ( compliant with her) or "not her side" and I was not her side. The relationship with my father was not the only one that was affected by this. It was the ones with her FOO as well.

The hard part for me wasn't that I didn't have a father who cared for his kids. It was the shock that my mother had the power to control this and not understanding how he would go along with it.

I remain grateful to have had my father.  I am sorry you didn't have one- but also considering that dysfunctional people tend to also choose dysfunctional partners, there is no way to know how it would have turned out.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi OverIt3, 

Welcome to our online family! I'm glad you found us.  There is a great list to the right side of our board that is helpful. Have you had a chance to take a look at it yet?

I appreciate that you shared your story with us, including all the hurt and pain. It's a big step to do so. This is a safe place to explore the issues that have affected us growing up as a child with a BPD parent. My mom was an uBPD and so much of what you shared I can relate to. For you to be seeing and examining the issues as they relate to your father shows that you are processing and that you are gaining in understanding.

As I've worked on the journey to healing, like some of the others have mentioned, I too struggled with examining my dad's part in the relationship he had with my mom and with us kids. It was easier to lay blame on my mom, but I knew that there were times when my dad was very abusive to us kids. So I've had many questions as to why he didn't stand up for us, why did he side with her, and so on.

I am currently reading a book by Lundy Bancroft titled, When Dad Hurts Mom. We have a review on another book he's written here which I have also read:

Why Does He Do That?

These books can easily be about a male or female. I've been finding a lot of encouragement, actually, in the book I'm reading now. I started reading it to learn about my dad, but I've learned a lot about my own relationship with DH and how it has affected my children. As I'm getting healthier and exploring my Co-dependency issues with the man I chose to marry, I've begun to see how that has affected my kids. It's not uncommon for a child raised by a pwBPD to also marry someone with similar traits because it is normal and comfortable to us. I am up front with my kids now, validating them and also walking through the anger they express to me when they ask why I put up with their dad's behavior. This is a work in progress for me, but it is bringing healing to the relationship between us and helping me to not be ignorant of what is going on. For all but the last few years I was unaware. It took getting into T to help the blinders to fall off.

Keep exploring and seeking to understand.
 
Wools

[Notwendy]

I have also had to work on my own co-dependency in my relationships, and this has given me some insight into my father. These behavior patterns can be intergenerational as the behaviors feel normal to us. We also adopted certain behaviors as a way to survive or get approval as children.

I learned that one way to get attention and love from my father was to be compliant with my mother. This also meant being her emotional caretaker and allowing her to treat me however she wanted and not talk back to her. I understand his position- he had to work to support us and if mom was in a rage, there was chaos.

I didn't feel I was loved for who I was. My parents didn't know who I was. My mother saw her projections on me. My father just didn't seem to want to know. It was probably too much for him. He just wanted some peace and quiet- for us to be good and not aggravate my mother. I learned to be a people pleaser and to just be nice to everyone, which was putting on a fake mask in a sense. I didn't even know who I was at times. Bringing these ideas into other relationships can lead to dysfunction.

I wondered where my father got his co-dependency traits, but I think his family was pretty normal. I think it was a slow. process from living with my mother. My mother, in her good moments, was amazing- smart, pretty, charming. Having "good mommy " around was a wonderful moment, and he surely fell in love with that side of her. As an adult though, I know better- when my mother is acting wonderful- that isn't all of who she is. In their era, there was little known about BPD and I am sure it was bewildering for him.

Fortunately my H is good to my children. I know that would be a boundary. I didn't have good boundaries with how others treated me, but I do have them with my children and it was important to me that they experienced unconditional love from their mother.