There is no wedding date... .we have been together for 3.5 years and engaged for a little over a year. I can't commit to a wedding date and we have made no wedding plans yet, more so because of my hesitation, not his.
Great, so you can adjust the timeline to what makes sense. You have time to learn about BPD, learn and practice coping skills, and see if that helps get you and your relationship to where you want to be before setting a date.
We have been broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count, both since being engaged and previously, although he doesn't see it that way. I have moved out maybe... .3 times? Just to move back in again with varying times in between. Most recently I just moved back in with him after seeing some improvement in our relationship, just to be disappointed with more of the same behavior reemerging after only 1 day.
One issue with relationships with pwBPD can be "engulfment," or getting pulled so close it is as if you are one person, with no boundaries between you. This is especially common in young relationships, and with breakup cycles one can catch a breather and get oriented during the "out" time, but then one plunges back into the relationship. pwBPD have strong emotional reactions, and their emotions form their reality. Engulfment and being super close to someone whose reality revolves around themselves and their emotions can be mind bending, and if you are trying to make a life decision like whether and when to get married, it can be terribly difficult to maintain your bearings. Does any of this ring true for you?
The trick is to develop external and internal frames of reference to balance your pwBPD's frame of reference. Really, it's about using external resources to make sure you have a strong internal compass regarding your values and what you want in life. Then *you* are charting *your* course. External sources can be respected family members, trusted friends, reading relationship books, a therapist, and forums such as this one. (Side thought -- I wonder if the folks at your fiancee's DBT center might be able to recommend a BPD-aware therapist you could see?)
Getting to know the other members on the Improving board, and their back stories, by reading and replying to their posts, and reading their replies on your posts, will give you some examples of what some long term relationships and marriages with pwBPD look like. Because you have discovered BPD early in your relationship, and because your partner is doing DBT, you have some advantages compared to many of us, but you'll also want to pay attention to some of the lasting compromises that some of us are making and think about how that fits with your values and goals.
I would encourage you to become a student of coping techniques in BPD relationships and see how far it can take you. Read some books. Become a regular on this board. Look at the resources on this Web site (there are many in the right hand bar). Have you read any BPD books? "Walking on Eggshells" is a popular starting point.
One more learning thought for you -- There is a book I'd have given a million dollars to have read before I got married. It's called, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman's work is evidence-based. He has looked at thousands of couples with successful marriages and determined what traits they have in common. It can be difficult to get a BPD relationship to match Gottman's ideals, but I believe the book would be a great help for you in setting your compass and be a valuable complement to BPD-specific reading.
The improvements I have seen were mostly our interactions lately and lack of dramatic fights/break-ups. In hind sight I am wondering if it had improved just because we weren't living together and saw each other less frequently.
It is not uncommon to have long periods of relative calm, then get right back into turbulence. Even if true learning is going on, it can be a "two steps forward, one step back" situation. Any kind of stress can cause issues (BPD symptoms can easily be exacerbated by stress). Likewise a period of low stress can set you up for some good times.
The biggest takeaway here is to invest in yourself for a while -- in developing the skills to get the most out of a BPD relationship, in deeply understanding what you want in your marriage and life, and in developing confidence in your inner identity and strength. That will set you up to make the best decision for yourself, and if you get married, will give you the best possible start as a distinct individual within that partnership.
What do you think? Do "Eggshells" and "Seven Principles" seem like books you'd be up for reading? We are glad you're here. Stick with us, and you'll find that the folks here will cheer for you and be willing to invest a lot in your success!
Wentworth
