Intro: questions a/b no-contact relationship with adoptive BPD mother

[sea177]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. Hope I'm posting in the right place.

I'm an adult adoptive child of a BPD mother. Four years ago this December I finally went no-contact with her, but am still wrestling with the emotional fallout and distress, and decided to try to plug into community with other fam members of BPD sufferers. I've had my ups and downs as I've tried to recover for the last few years, and after having a failed attempt at therapy this last year (I've been to several therapists and tried again this last year), I think I'm in a slump again. I have so many questions and so much confusion.

I have a few questions. My first is: is anyone else here a transracial/transnational adoptee child of BPD adoptive parents? I've also been working in this recovery time through the realization that working through my feelings and thoughts about my transracial/international adoption is necessary too. And sorting through those issues along with recovery from the BPD adoptive mother has been super confusing and complicated. How do you deal? Are there any resources you can think of for adopted kids of adoptive BPD parents? I've read a lot for bio kids of it, but was wondering if there's anything I could relate to more.

Second question: Anyone else here raised in a religious fundamentalist homeschooling environment? I've only recently started to realize how isolated I was, comparatively, to other people's childhoods. (I do understand everyone has different experiences, though.) And the combo of this with the transracial adoption thing has been very isolating as well.

Third question: How do you deal with losing a sense of home/community/belonging when you go no-contact? How have you created one? Because the BPD in my life was my mother, when I went no-contact with her, everyone and their mother that I'd grown up with started contacting me to try to get me to go back to her. I wound up going no-contact with 95% of everyone I'd grown up with. I'd moved across the country at that point, so it was easier. But not only do I have few relationships I grew up with now, but the experience has left me struggling to trust new people.

My last question is: How do you cope with feelings of imposter syndrome? Essentially, my deep feeling is that I am I not allowed to say I was traumatized by my mother's emotional abuse. I think I was, and had one therapist diagnose me with PTSD a year after I cut off contact with my mother, but
my most recent therapist was adamant that I and my previous therapist  were wrong, and that I was "only depressed and anxious." She specialized in treating BPD people themselves, and none with treating children of BPD, which I realize in hindsight was probably a bad idea on my part. We parted ways (for a number of reasons), but her reaction to me--that I was obviously not an abuse victim, and that I just had an unpleasant relationship with my mother as most young adults have--has brought up insecurities in me I thought I was finally putting to rest.
          As an adoptee, I grew up having to prove everyone's idea of adoption was what they thought it
          was--a happily-ever-after-fairytale of a rescued orphan. As a homeschooled child, I
          always was supposed to be proving that I was no different than public schooled kids. As the child of
          a pretty high-functioning BPD parent who hid it well in public, I was expected to be silent and hide
          the emotional abuse behind a smile. Saying anything bad about my situation or being honest was
          wrong and not nice; for one thing, I should be a grateful adoptee, and for another, families blessed
          by God had nothing wrong with them. (My parents' thoughts, not mine.) So being told now by this
          therapist that I had an unwarranted chip on my shoulder and that my trauma diagnosis was false
          really hit me in a deep place.

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Again I hope I'm posting this correctly, apologies if it's not/or too long/too much, etc.

[Turkish]

Hello sea177,

I'm also a transracial adoptee. Pleased to meet you 

My birth mother was born on the Shoshoni-Bannock reservation in Idaho.  I was adopted by my mother in 1974 at the age of 2.4 (approximately). I remember it,  but nothing much before that other than being on foster care. 

My mother is half Dutch,  half Scottish.  It was additionally controversial at the time as it was a single parent adoption. The social worker didn't like both things and my mom told me that she threatened them with a well known civil rights lawyer and they acquiesced. I also have a physical disability,  and they thought i might also have been mentally disabled,
The Trifecta for a kid to languish in the system,  unwanted.

From what my mom told me later,  my birth mother died of an overdose when I was 9. When I was a teen,  she got in touch with my birth family (my birth mother was adopted by white folk off of the reservation).

In any case, in 1989 I found out that my mother suffered from depression. That was the year I moved out,  on my 18th birthday.  In 2016, my mother told me she had BPD... .then she told me she had been seeing therapists when I was little for PTSD. I had already suspected the BPD which is how I came to this board,  though I came to the site first because of the mother of our children.  Enough about my background... .

From what I experienced as a child, hanging around with other adoptive families, I saw many kids struggle with identities,  even in healthy families.  It sounds like your mother didn't validate your heritage,  yes?

It's sad that the BPD therapist didn't work out.  What didn't connect with the others? I have many more questions, but I don't want to over burden you right away. 

I'll only finish by saying that I had to go NC with my mother year ago due to her age exacerbating her mental illnesses and she accusing me of criminal elder abuse. 

Being the latchkey kid of a single mother,  I always felt alone, cut off.  It's a weakness wrapped in strength in order to survive,  but the core wound remains... .

I hope to hear more of your story and how best we can support you sea177!



Turkish

[drained1996]

I was expected to be silent and hide
          the emotional abuse behind a smile. Saying anything bad about my situation or being honest was
          wrong and not nice; for one thing, I should be a grateful adoptee, and for another, families blessed
          by God had nothing wrong with them. (My parents' thoughts, not mine.)

This resonates with me... .though not adopted.  Being honest about my feelings was me being rebellious/wrong.  I was expected to be grateful for being in such a "good" family.  I was held responsible for how my mother felt beginning at a very young age.  That is emotional blackmail... .and emotional abuse.  It's a common theme here as you will come to see. 

You've found the right place sea177.  You are not alone.  Keep sharing, you'll find many here have or are going through similar issues. 
Take a look to the right hand margin of this page.  There are some lessons and a good survivors guide that you will find helpful in your journey. 

As for your therapist situation, keep looking to find a new one.  I know in my experience I saw more than my share of not so qualified ones.  I can say though, having a good clinical psychologist that I connected with was well worth the effort. 

We look forward to your next post.   

[Avriel]

Second question: Anyone else here raised in a religious fundamentalist homeschooling environment? I've only recently started to realize how isolated I was, comparatively, to other people's childhoods. (I do understand everyone has different experiences, though.) And the combo of this with the transracial adoption thing has been very isolating as well.

I was raised in that sort of environment also--my sister is the uBPD in the family, but my dad is likely NPD and has abused my mother throughout their marriage. (I didn't understand his behavior as abuse until recently, as it didn't fit the abuse stereotypes I knew.) I didn't realize until I was an adult how isolated I had been growing up, because we attended small churches when I was a teenager, and my dad's personality and behavior drove away most people who might have otherwise been friends. When I compare my teenage years with my (also homeschooled) cousin's teenage experiences, there is a huge difference. She attends a large church, and both she and her parents have a lot of friends. But neither of her parents have a full-blown personality disorder, at least to my knowledge. Her mom may have a few mental issues (she's a bit narcissistic and developed anorexia in connection with some back pain), but they don't seem to damage her social relationships.

Personally, I liked being homeschooled, but it didn't work so well for some of my siblings. My uBPD sister and uNPD brother dropped out of high school, and another brother, who likely has Asperger's syndrome, probably would have dropped out as well if I hadn't started teaching him myself. All I can say is that how well homeschooling works depends a lot on what the parents are like. If you've got one parent with a personality disorder abusing the other parent... .there are all sorts of things that can go wrong. And an unhealthy isolation is much more likely to result.

I've known several homeschooling families with transracial adopted children. To my knowledge, none of the parents have personality disorders or are abusive, and the kids seem to have a considerably broader social network than I had at their ages. There were problems in one family because of some sibling dynamics, but I think things have improved as the two newer adoptees adjusted.

At any rate, having to rebuild a social network is difficult, especially as an adult. It's sad that your most recent therapist was so unsympathetic--I guess she's so used to trying to empathize with BPDs that she failed to consider what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their rages. Have you tried seeing someone who specializes in abuse and trauma? I'm currently seeing a therapist with that specialty, and I've had a very good experience so far. Best wishes as you continue to seek healing.