Remember, boundaries are like fences. They keep the bad out and the good in. They also are not punishment or ultimatums for our partners.
^^ YES!
polaris9,
It sounds like she may have noticed some change in your home dynamic, and is attempting to re-establish the "normal" your family used to be used to. This could be close to an "extinction burst" where behavior escalates as boundaries are enforced and the pwBPD does not know how to react and so simply ramps things up because, that, to them, is what makes sense to do.
I'd think about finding a way to limit her access to money. If she wants to take some courses, fine, as long as it's within HER allowance/budget. She wants a condo? Can she fund it on her own? No? You do not agree, therefore no condo. She engages in her use of free will to ignore/neglect attending a meeting with the school? She abdicated her power to participate in the discussion. She refuses to attend MC or follow MC advice? I'd continue to go without her, partly to make sure it's seen YOU are working on things, and give you an outlet to speak and vent and also have a record that you continued even when she gave up.
See how you can protect the kids from her outbursts. Think about strategies for getting them out of the house, or at least out of the part of the house where a rage is taking place. If you have staff, maybe explain that as the person paying their paychecks all decisions from you are final, and that your W is going through a tough time right now. Maybe the nannies will be able to assist in removing the kids from the home if needed for a few hours.
See how you can protect yourself. Make plans during calm periods for how you will deal with things like her drinking. Like her starting a fight. Plan ahead, so you can just react according to your pre-made plan when the emotions are running high. Try to remove as much as you can from her hands that can hurt you or your family as far as responsibility. Until she is in a healthier place, you are essentially a single parent, and can't leave anything to her judgment at this time. Pick and choose what you can leave under her control that can "fail", and then you have to take on the rest to keep you and your kids from being hurt financially, in school dealings, and in finances. It's sad, but a pwBPD acts so much on their emotions, and new ideas, new purchases, and new things seem to be a blam for some. They hurt a lot inside, but lack the self-awareness and self-honesty to really look at that, and to even try to take apart WHY they hurt. It's far easier to blame the world, and those closest for their pain, than to look inward.
Only you can determine when it's time to separate. I'd recommend taking a few steps to make it less of a burden on you should you get to that place, but only take action when/if you feel it's needed.
I found that being ready and able to leave, even if I had no intention of doing so, took some stress off of me. It was like I was not having to worry about what I'd need to do, how I'd do it, and so I could just focus on day to day, and after time, we got past the most volatile period and H was actually able to make some improvements. He's still not able to "adult" as I'd think a 40-year-old man should, but I also have long accepted his abilities AND limitations, and how the BPD interferes, and while we still have flare-ups that are alarming enough I am still here, it's nothing like the daily fighting we used to have.
So, make plans, but don't necessarily enact them - having them ready should help you feel less stress overall. Also, it may help to set "emotional check-in dates" for yourself. Like, tell yourself, "I am just going to work on making things work until say Dec. 1. Then, I will evaluate how things are going. If good, we can keep on, and move that evaluation date down the line. If no better or even worse, I can enact all or part of the plan I made."
A lot of what makes US feel stressed is wondering day to day "Am I going to leave? Am I going to stay?" By picking a day to think about it, you can relieve your brain a little, and give it permission to focus on other things. I found that month to month when things were pretty bad was good, and then as they improved it went to 2-3 months, then 6 months, and eventually, such an evlautaion was no longer needed.
