Don't know where to turn

[Memoree]

Married to someone with BPD. In therapy with him but not sure it's helping. He acts like a different person during the sessions. Understanding and calm but when he has an issue at home he is a different person. He had cheated on me in the past several times. I have stayed to try and make things work but I'm not sure I can handle it anymore. I'm either a goddess or an evil spawn. When in reality I'm neither. Just a loyal good caring woman who is exhausted.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[smart_storm26]

Hello Memoree,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Handling a BP is a difficult and challenging task even for a trained mental health professional leave alone a normal person like you or me who are not trained to deal with an emotionally disordered person. You are doing the best you can. There is nothing wrong with you. The real issue is inside the BP's mind and involves many factors like emotional instability, identity crisis, low emotional self-esteem, fear of abandonment etc which brings out his destructive behaviors and is damaging the relationship. When he is calling you names, he is actually projecting his own issues on you. They just don't know how to deal with their own inner pain and shame in a healthy manner.

Remember, you have every right to be happy in a relationship. If you are not getting that happiness, you have every right to isolate yourself from this negativity. When and how to isolate yourself, that decision is yours. Sometimes when we pull back from our BPD partners, throw in the towel, it gives them a wake up call and then they actually start working on themselves. Remember that even if a BP goes to therapy, if he does not want to change, he will not change. You can only support him but you cannot fix him. So stop trying. It is his responsibility to fix his negative behaviors, not yours. He will change when he will realize that he is going to lose so much if he continues down the same road. If you are at your wit's end and cannot handle anymore then you need to decide what is best for you in this hour and if necessary isolate yourself even if it is temporary and focus on self-healing

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Memoree

We are all here in the same boat. Our loved ones act one way with us and another with the rest of the world, we get the worst part (right behind their own pain). Nobody would believe how they act at home. Right? We all get from the best, to any nasty name. And none of us is either.

What you describe is what we all go through. It can get better, it does get better. But it is not a straight line.

Therapy can make things worse before it makes them better. Or if it's not the right therapy/therapist, it maybe won't help. We have to root for them to improve, but we can only improve ourselves and our life.

How long have you been together? How long do you know the diagnosis? Have you been reading about it?

Here on this site you can learn how to better comunicate with him and deal with the BPD behaviours, be heard and understood, and find support to take care of yourself in the process. You can start with the basic tools on the right of this page.

Personaly, I would like to know how did you manage to forgive the cheating. Because my GF thinks I've cheated on her, or that I continually do it, and even though I didn't, she can't move past that.

Sadly, it is common, one of the destructive behaviors that they do in order to escape from the pain, is cheating. That allow them to escape from their reality for a moment, even when they know that it will make everything worse after.

I hope you find some peace and a light in the path, by sharing your story and learning about this disorder. We are here to listen.