Self-doubt & confusion. Am I the one with BPD?

[Perseverant]

This is a question that gnaws at me from time to time during life with uBPDh: am I actually the one with the PD and I'm projecting on to him?

Does anyone else ever have this doubt?

What I mean is, sometimes I catch myself being overly sensitive, defensive, sullen. These are traits I see in H also, but in him it's much more pronounced. Yet, when I notice myself behaving in a way that he does, I start to wonder... .is it him or is it me who's 'off'? Or, have I simply adopted some of his behaviors just because we live in the same space? 

Then, I tell myself 'if you're concerned you may have a PD, you probably don't.'

Please tell me you've had these thoughts too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I have these thoughts quite often. It's not just you. I found that talking to my therapist about it helps tremendously! If you don't have one yet, I highly recommend one. 

In my case, (long story short) my ex is probably BPD/NPD per several therapists and marriage counselors. He projects his traits onto me a LOT. It can really mess with your head which is why I highly recommend a good therapist. 

I also learned that BPD and NPD are spectrum disorders. We all have some of these traits to a degree and that's normal and even healthy. The problems arise when you get to one extreme on the spectrum or the other. That's where the therapist can really help you sort it out.

[Hisaccount]

Does anyone else ever have this doubt?

Yes absolutely.

When I first started taking this journey I took some online PD tests. And yes I was positive it was me.
Then through therapy and learning. I realized I was answering those test on who she said I was, not who I am.
As time went on and I started thinking for myself again the tests results would change.

Now that I have been apart from her, healing and learning. Now my test results have completely changed.

You need to step away and take care of yourself. Whatever time you can get and remember you are dealing with a sick person with a broken mind who cannot face their failures or condition. They can only place the burdens on someone else so they can live with themselves.

I always became hypersensitive as well. The slightest bump in the road and it was like wow she is going off the rails again and I would go into panic mode trying to figure out how to control the decay of her mental state.

I fully believed it was me, I was the problem. When I started therapy I believed I needed to change me.

After lots of time working on myself I remembered that I was a good person before her. The person I was is what drew her to me. Not saying that I was perfect or didn't have flaws, but I was still a good person.
So rather than changing everything about me, I just needed to heal some, then of course learn and grow.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Absolutely true.  I have spent weeks working on a given point or issue, work up the nerve to talk to my uBPDw about it.  When I talk to her about something, perhaps a given behavior, she'll either flip in right away into blaming me, or turning the conversation so that I feel wrong and used to end up feeling worse about myself and usually apologizing.  Or, a few days later she would cast the same findings at me, accusing me of whatever wrong I had talked about before.

I seriously could use a shoulder angel whispering in my ear "You're not crazy. You're not crazy... ."

I have spent long months searching my soul to be sure that I'm not the abuser, not crazy, not buying my wife's projections.  

A telling indicator to me is that I'll even get the "flipped script" when I talked about my feelings.  Now, why [and how] should I end up confused about what I was trying to say about my feelings?  She could argue against that too.  Nothing like an attack on your perception of your own feelings!

[BowlOfPetunias]

All of us have experienced gas-lighting and/or blame shifting.

Being yelled at for "getting defensive" when we are attacked without any warning for something we didn't do.

Being pressured into apologizing for something we didn't do--especially when they are the ones who did it.  ("You want to go to a restaurant we can't afford" when they picked it out.)  Apologizing for "getting defensive" when attacked.

Being pathologized when we give them information about our own history and emotional problems.   You open up to them as a step toward improving your relationship by acknowledging how you may be contributing to the dymanic, only to have them take that up as a cudgel to beat you with and demonstrate that it is ALL your fault.  (During marriage counseling, I explored how my parents neglected me and how I lived in terror during middle school.  "Your parents and the bullies at school did all of these horrible things to you, but I am the one who suffers!"  In other words, my refusal to accept abuse must be the result of some emotional defect in me, rather than the result of the abuse itself.  It wasn't really abuse--I just imagined it and took out my anger at being abused as a child on her.)

Then there's the BPD trick of putting you down to hold on to you.  You are so horrible, no one else would ever want you!  You're lucky I put up with you!  (So you'd better not think about leaving me!)

[bananas2]

Perseverant,

As you can see from the replies, you are not alone in your feelings about this. I've certainly felt this way myself at times. I think just the fact that you've considered this enough to post about it, means that you have a level of insight & self-awareness that a pwBPD does not have.

I couldn't agree more with the replies from other members here about entering into individual therapy for yourself, if you haven't done so already. It took me some time in therapy to learn & practice a healthy inner dialogue, and in doing so, it helped eliminate my self-doubt about this.

[Frankee]

My pwBPD has called me things like narcissistic sociopath, telling me I'm the one screwed up in the head.  He would tell me that I was incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse, delusional and literally believe that what I was saying becomes truth, or incapable of love, cold, calculating, and manipulative, doesn't think about others at all unless I can benefit from it.  He's called me a liar more times that I can count.  I looked up the definitions so I would know what he's talking about.  None of it is true. 

Our relationship has gotten better, but it use to be really really bad.  When he would accuse me of such things, for awhile I believed it was true.  He was going through an extreme low at that point in life and he took me down kicking and screaming until I felt like I deserved the punishment, really broken and did some extreme things back a couple years to escape the pain.   

I did think I was losing it.  I felt like I was Alice in the rabbit hole for awhile.  It's taken awhile to see through the fog, with long discussions and help, but I can see that I am emotionally and mentally healthy.   I am the one sitting here, reaching out, attempting to learn tools and ways to cope and trying to understand.  My pwBPD is trying to heal on his own terms, but I need help and advice to guide him in his recovery and maintaining my emotional well being as well.

[Perseverant]

These are such helpful replies and I thank everyone so much.

As I reflect on past events and my behavior at times, I can recall circumstances when I certainly was off-the-rails in terms of overreacting or (too often) holding in my frustration until I went nuclear in reaction to a relatively minor incident or disagreement. In retrospect, I see how my behavior made a bad situation worse.

Then, I recall so many instances when I was literally going about my business, even having a great day, when he just leveled both barrels at me, relentlessly, until I wished we were divorced or, yes, wished he was no longer alive. Not in the sense of planning his demise, but definitely day-dreaming about being permanently free of the field of eggshells I walk in. 

This being a forum about improving an ongoing relationship, I'm trying to put these realizations into proper context. In other words, now that I recognize some ways I have contributed to the problem, I need to change my approach in the future.

But I'm having a problem with that process. I am discovering an iceberg of anger in my soul. It's freezing cold and sizzling hot at the same time. I'm angry at him over past hurts. I am angry at him for putting me in the position of compromising myself to keep the peace. I am angry at myself for not knowing any better.

::sigh:: It is going to be tough to improve the relationship with this anger smothering my motivation. I am open to everyone's suggestions of resources to understand and process anger.   

[Frankee]

As I reflect on past events and my behavior at times, I can recall circumstances when I certainly was off-the-rails in terms of overreacting or (too often) holding in my frustration until I went nuclear in reaction to a relatively minor incident or disagreement. In retrospect, I see how my behavior made a bad situation worse.

I am discovering an iceberg of anger in my soul. It's freezing cold and sizzling hot at the same time. I'm angry at him over past hurts. I am angry at him for putting me in the position of compromising myself to keep the peace. I am angry at myself for not knowing any better.

I heard myself in the words.  The anger, resentment, disrespect, the hurt.  All compounded leaving a distasteful feeling.  Trying to keep the peace, walking on eggshells, dodging the rages, just letting things go.  Even people that are mentally healthy can eventually blow up, let their emotions take control, or even just go a little crazy sometimes.  Not saying that we are crazy, but being pushed enough or not able to express our emotions freely, can lead to these results.

It's okay to feel this way.  We have every right to feel our emotions just as much as our partners do.  We are just able to process them in healthy ways.  Even now that our relationship has gotten better, it still has a lot of healing and improvement that needs to be done.  I still find there are days where his rages get the better of him and I am right back to the daydreaming of life without him or wishing he would just leave. 

Anytime I feel angry, I usually first come on here, venting my rant in a post.  It gets all the negativity out of my head and express my feelings uninterrupted without judgement or backlash.  I also try to remember that majority of the time, his uncontrolled anger or rage is a problem that he is fighting with himself.  I had a lot of replies telling me to emotionally detach.  It's really hard to do and doesn't always work, but I find that if I keep practicing it, it becomes more natural.

I posted awhile back and I had a reply that really stuck with me.  Anytime he accuses me of being or doing something wrong or says I'm this or that, I think of this.

Think about pink elephants when he accuses you and try not to react with emotion.

Think about what if he called you a pink elephant? Would you need to defend that? Just because he says something about you, does that make it true? If he called you a pink elephant, does it mean you are one?

This visualization helped me to not be emotionally reactive and feed the drama- while still holding on to myself and my self image.

It's going to be a tough road, but making the effort to get resources and to learn is a great first step to healing.

[SamwizeGamgee]

For what it's worth, I admire anyone's ability to question themselves, and yet, as a lot, I suspect we do it too much.  At least more than the average person.  

I had to struggle with the real internal belief that I was wrong in the end.  To overcome, I had to force myself to do things that were "selfish," "hedonistic," and "narcissistic" - and that meaning things like take 30 minutes to watch a TV show I was interested in, get up early and go for a run, buy food I liked at the grocery store.  Not that I hated to do these things, but, I was really into serving others and forgetting myself.  I fell so easily into accepting the blame and absorbing my uBPDw's projections, subtle judgements, and her self-righteousness.  

I think I have stuck around too long.  I feel a remorse that turned into resolve to never let my wife affect me, reach me, or control me.  Love is dead at the roots now.  

I get what you're saying about the "iceberg of anger" - nicely put.  I think that's a good warning for people either coming late into discovering they are in a BPD relationship or realizing quickly what they got into.  One should get self-help early, and often.  Then things can be made better if possible.  

For a while I found reading and meditating on Buddhist principles helped me process anger.  I went through feeling it.  I accepted it and let it live a little in me.  I then accepted the anger, and was somehow able to root it out.  I spent about a year totally incapable of feeling anger, I think.  Earlier this year, I kept the good things that I learned.  But, I felt my inner psyche waking up and pushing back against my status quo in the relationship.  I've since let a little anger back in, and hold it a little longer to hear about why it's rising up.  I now think of it as me letting anger live in the basement.  I may need it to energize me to act, and my kids need to see me stand up a little straighter, and defend myself and what's right.  However, I can't let anger get to the main floor and start running the circus.  Knowing how to let go was key for me to suffer and get through anger.

[spin/stuck]

Great post. I've thought about this many times. I've brought it up at therapy and he assured me I didn't have the traits of BPD. The reality is when you are with someone long enough you take on their traits both good and bad and vice versa. I wish my wife would take more of my calmer traits as I have internalized some of her behavior. Reacting and feeling very sensitive to when the first signs of a coming episode are stirring. You can see it and feel it happening. A non can only deal with so much before we too snap which feeds into the emotional rollercoaster and the endless arguing.

[Perseverant]

spin/stuck, I had forgotten that term from Out of the FOG. That is a helpful site also. It's the first one I consulted when I began seriously researching PDs.

So, yes, fleas. Huzzah. Thank God for cyber flea powder.