joining group, Sis with BPD

[kimi]

Hi,

About 5 years ago, I decided that my sister has BPD - it was emotionally devastating.  I wanted to keep her in my life so I tried to keep a relationship going.  To do this, I tried to keep my expectations low, to avoid trigger points, to deflect her frequent anger.  We were able to have some good times together, but it came at a cost, because I absorbed too much of the negativity and the family relationships did not improve.

This fall, she crossed a line that was not acceptable to me.  She said she won't do it again, but something broke in me.  I need a break from the triage of family.  The highs are not worth the lows for me anymore.  My parents understand my feelings but are desperate to keep trying.  We live far apart, but they still want to get together for important occasions.

I don't see how I can interact with my sister when I feel this way.  I get so tense, anticipating the anger towards me, that I make the situation worse.  I want to support my parents in their grief, but for my own needs, I need to withdraw from family gatherings.

It is all so painful.  Thanks for listening, Kimi

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, Kimi!

You are such a loving sibling to care so much for your sister.

The most important tool you can use is validation.  You are also using some other very important tools.

Validation can only go so far in supporting your sister.  There are boundaries that should not be crossed.  For instance, when a BPD spouse physically hits the nonBPD spouse, that cannot be validated. 

Whatever happened that you cannot tolerate seems to be a matter of crossed boundaries.  pwBPD are always testing boundaries.  You don't want to be a codependent.

I wish you well.  Don't stop supporting your sister, but also protect your own emotional health.

[Charlie3236]

Hi Kimi and welcome! You’ve definitely come to the right place. I can absolutely relate to your post, actually I feel like I could have written it! I also have been dealing with my BPD sis my whole life, and her issues are definitely escalating as she gets older. She is nasty and cruel, flies into a rage over nothing, then acts as though nothing has happend. She’s done this to me over and over, and each time I welcomed her back with open arms, even though our relationship is completely one-sided and she really doesn’t know much about me at all.

But this last time I just snapped... .Something in me broke, just like you described. It’s not that I don’t love her, but I feel totally and completely differently about her now. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m sad for her, but she has to face the consequences of this life she is choosing. I can’t be part of the drama anymore, the insanity, the constant smear campaigns, the rage. I just broke. She broke my heart for the last time. She also broke our aging enabling father’s heart... .But of course she doesn’t care and doesn’t even realize what she’s done to him or me.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too, but most of all I want to encourage you to put your health and your family first... .This is the wellspring of your life. Don’t feel guilty (it’s hard I know!) for setting boundaries or even cutting off contact temporarily or permanently if that is the only way to have peace.

I had to cut my sister out because she was causing all of us too much pain. I still get sad when I think about it, but all-in-all my life is soo much easier now!