Getting to grips with BPD

[Sausages]

Hello

I am in a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man. A friend of mine is a mental health assessor and suggested he may be BPD early on in our relationship - he would be totally in love with me one moment and then abuse phone calls the next, after looking into it he ticks pretty much every box except feeling suicidal (that I know of).

We've had a long distance relationship for some time but it was very difficult, when he was in crisis he would cut himself off from me for any period between a day or weeks. Now we are trying to live with each other, it's very new and he has made a big sacrifice coming to live with me as I have a business here.

For me this is a long term relationship, I'm aware I can't cure him but I want to be with him so I need to find ways of protecting my own health and improving our relationship.

After 8 really good days, lots of positivity and love, he is now in a very depressed state. It triggered yesterday after I was joking around, we managed to bring it back by doing something he enjoys which acted as a distraction. Then I could see him going again later and was able to talk about something good and it was ok again. Before bed it triggered properly, he's no longer verbally abusive like the early days... .now he completely shuts down. I react badly as I take it all very personally no matter how much I try not to. When he's feeling depressed there is nothing I can say to him, this morning I asked for a hug before I got up and he said yes but it's non reciprocal although he would say 'I gave you a hug what more do you want'. In these periods he refuses to believe I love him and will generally ignore me or tell me to leave him alone.

Now I'm worried about getting home tonight, will it be the same or will he have rested and be happy? Does anyone have any advice on how to distract or change the course of a crisis period?

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Sausages,

Welcome the family!



Advice for a crisis period or how to distract him? Hmmm. Well, first I'd like to encourage you to spend more time here reading and sharing with us! I think this will help with a key thing which is learning how to depersonalize as much of his behavior/reactions/words as possible. It's like what they tell us on airplanes, put on your oxygen first before you help the person seated next to you! The more self-work you do the more prepared you are to handle his stuff, okay? Go back and check out the Do's and Don't of BPD relationships I'd suggest. It is lesson 1.01 here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Okay, back to the crisis. I just had a crisis recently and it was nearly impossible to talk to my h during this time. He was angry and hurt and unable to listen. I would try to for short periods of time and then simply back off. If he tried to reengage I'd try again, while also holding onto a set of principles for how to talk but not argue. (Don't JADE! Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain) Under Crisis Management here you'll see advice about taking a break if there is simply no way to talk at this time. Lesson 3.01 How to Escape, Take a Time Out: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.30;sort=subject

[Sausages]

Hi pearlsw

Thank you for taking the time to reply... .I wasn't able to respond yesterday but have some time to myself today to go through the resources you mentioned.

I have tried to not take this crisis personally but I'm not doing very well. I just feel incredibly sad all the time, for him first and foremost as I know he doesn't choose to feel like this but also for myself as I've worked so hard for a happy life and I'm walking on egg shells all the time.

There was a couple of points yesterday where we spoke about how he felt - he feels very paranoid, especially about us. He told me he has had these crisis periods for many years and usually they're less frequent if he's really busy, at the moment he isn't working as he's just moved here. He also did apologise and asked a couple of times if I was ok so he is aware of it affecting me.

I'm worried about the long term, a lot of friends/family have expressed concern over our relationship so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I can't work out if I'm strong enough to deal with his illness.

First thing is to start getting through the resources on here, thanks again for directing me!