Broken up and living together

[Midniterogue]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend who has BPD due to repeated lying and deceptive behavior and the lack of respect for boundaries that she agreed regarding non-monogamy. I feel broken and regretful and it's like she feels nothing at all. It's like I never mattered, lime we never mattered. She has nowhere to go so we are still living together and taking some time and giving each other space and maybe we will try to work it out. As much as I love her and want to be with her I don't even know if there's any point. I feel like we would be in the same place all over again because she refuses to see what she's doing as wrong and how it devalues me as a partner. Just looking for some advice.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[smart_storm26]

Hello Midniterogue,

I feel sad to hear about your breakup. It must be a tough time for you.

However it seems that by breaking up you have taken a stand that you will not tolerate these negative behaviors you are talking about. It shows that you have self-respect which is important for any relationship. Remember everyone has a right to be happy and feel respected in their relationship.

However when you say she has nowhere to go, can you elaborate on it a bit? How is she dependent on you? How was she living before you came into her life? The reason why I am asking you this is because when you feel tired, sad, disrespected and exhausted from the negative behaviors of a person (which we often experience from a BP partner) and it is affecting your own mental health and that person is not trying to work on herself or help in anyway then you need to isolate yourself from that negativity first, be 'You' for sometime without all those negative behaviors affecting you and all this for your own welfare. But are you being able to isolate yourself effectively from that negativity still being under the same roof? This is something you will know better than anyone else. It is possible you are able to isolate yourself effectively even being in the same house but I believe it becomes very difficult with a BP person. They fear abandonment and hence will find new ways to get to you. This happens so often that sometimes people with BP partners choose to go NC completely to send a message that they wont tolerate unacceptable behavior. So even after breaking up, if you still get to experience those same negative behaviors, what good is the breakup doing?

BPs often act in destructive and hurtful ways that's not acceptable in a relationship. In that case the other partner needs to enforce boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not and if those boundaries are not being respected, then that partner has every right to isolate himself from such a negative relationship. If your boundaries are not being respected, you need to send her a stern message that she needs to take charge of her negative behaviors or she is out of your life. She will feel helpless, fall on her face, weep for days, feel empty, curse you for her fate blah blah and once she has reached the bottom of the pit, she will then realize what she has been doing and may correct her behaviors then. But you cannot fix her. Only she can fix herself. You can simply do the right thing. If you read through many articles, you will realize that once they reach their lowest low, that's when they truly start to introspect.

You said "I feel like we would be in the same place all over again"
True. Until she introspects and realizes what she is doing, you will be in the same place always

"maybe we will try to work it out"
Focus on how you wrote 'we'. It takes two to make a relationship work. If she doesn't work for it, no matter how hard you try, it wont work ever.

"As much as I love her and want to be with her"
You love her. But that does not mean you can help her. Only she can help herself. Do the right thing for yourself and see if she can pull herself out of the muck. But you cannot do it for her.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Midniterogue,

Welcome I'm sorry to hear that you've recently broken up. I can imagine how difficult it must be to live in the same house. Are you guys trying to work things out or are either of you making plans to move out?

What would you say in one of the biggest issues that led to your breakup?

[Midniterogue]

Thanks for replying.  So she moved here from out of state and is now estranged from her family (due to their racist behavior). She would have nowhere else to go. She also recently quit her job because her mental health was in such a terrible state that I told her that in would support her while she got help.

The events of the break up were essentially her lying about talking to another partner (it gets tricky here) on a day that we had set aside for just us. It has been a constant source of contention. I finally realized that I had to take a stand and I could not make one more compromise so I ended things.

I work a great deal and we have enough space that we can have a sort of in house separation. It's been difficult.
We spoke today and I tried to communicate with her in a way in which she could actually hear me without taking it as judgement. I told her that I loved her and valued her and that I could see that she was suffering and that I truly believed that she needed to get help. I offered to go to couples counseling while stressing that she needed individual therapy as well with someone who specializes in BPD.  After a long talk she agreed. We are going to call therapists tomorrow. I told her that she has to take this seriously and really try if we are going to have any relationship of any kind and she agreed. So fingers crossed. We shall see what happens.

[smart_storm26]

Hello Midniterogue,

I want you to know that you are doing something that many men fail to do in a relationship. That's taking a hard stand and standing up for yourself. Let me tell you that even if your BP partner feels uncomfortable because of your stand, deep down beneath her volatile emotions, she will respect you for standing up.


"After a long talk she agreed. We are going to call therapists tomorrow. I told her that she has to take this seriously and really try if we are going to have any relationship of any kind and she agreed"

This is great news and the first step to real progress. If she does avail the help, work on herself and the relationship between you two becomes better and stable, that will be like victory for both of you. Make sure that you show her some appreciation for agreeing to go for therapy. Remember it was not easy for her to accept going for therapy. To admit for therapy means to admit that she has been wrong, its not easy. So some appreciation from you will encourage her towards such positive actions. However do not let things loose now that she has agreed to go for therapy. You have to keep at it. Many times she will feel like running away from it. But you have to be persistent. Its not very difficult, just keep to your stand and don't soften up on this. Then as you keep seeing more positive actions from her, keep appreciating and encouraging her. The road to success will be difficult but so is for anything worthwhile in life.   

 

[Caramel Brulee]

I feel so sad to hear that.