My ex came back - I tried my revenge plan - It failed - Help me understand why

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

There's just something about these individuals... .They are weirder than the weirdest weather, harder to figure out than the most complex mathematical equations, it's just... .It's just impossible to figure them out and understand them, and when you think you do, you later understand that you didn't and that you dont.

So my ex came back, she followed me on my social media and i followed her back, few days later she messages me in the most childish way possible (she said she messaged me by mistake) which if im not mistaken, was a strategy to judge my position and the way i was going to respond to her or not.
We started talking, and again... .I had the feeling that we were somehow picking up things from where their left off, it was like i was talking to the same person but even though i had that feeling i always felt like she was there but she wasn't there, conversations got like very... ."sexual" really fast and if it was a normal person you'd think that i dont know... .Maybe there were feelings there.

I may have made a mistake, i showed a lot of interest and as the days by she kept getting... .I dont know, more absent, like she was there but she wasn't there. She would take hours to respond to me but would never let the conversation die, its like she wanted to keep me there talking to her but not talk to me... .She basically liked pictures from dozens of guys and followed dozen of guys everyday. Untill last week i got tired of her ___ and i ignored her for about a week, didnt text her back and didnt see any of her posts, then when i did respond to her one week later she responded to me back and let the conversation die not responding to me for several days even though she checked everything i've posted.

Today i unfollowed her and she saw it, she asked me why have i done that and since i did it she would unfollow me back to which i've responded that i was obligated to do so she then responded in an ironic way and laughed acting like she didn't care one bit.


Conclusion: I couldn't draw her back in, even though she responded to me and initiated conversation i didnt feel a genuine interest, i didnt feel like she had any feelings for me anymore than what she has with other people. Is it a borderline thing? Because usually when you have your normal ex's its way easier to rebuild something, its like all you have to do is heat those frozen feelings that were there before, with this girl... .I don't know.

I even asked her to go out to which she accepted and when we were about to make plans she said that we'd talk about it later and then ignored it completely.

My revenge plan has failed and i lost even more time (another month) with one of these freaks of nature. I'm completely frustrated, i truly am.

[TsunamiWave]

There's just something about these individuals... .They are weirder than the weirdest weather, harder to figure out than the most complex mathematical equations, it's just... .It's just impossible to figure them out and understand them, and when you think you do, you later understand that you didn't and that you dont.

So my ex came back, she followed me on my social media and i followed her back, few days later she messages me in the most childish way possible (she said she messaged me by mistake) which if im not mistaken, was a strategy to judge my position and the way i was going to respond to her or not.
We started talking, and again... .I had the feeling that we were somehow picking up things from where their left off, it was like i was talking to the same person but even though i had that feeling i always felt like she was there but she wasn't there, conversations got like very... ."sexual" really fast and if it was a normal person you'd think that i dont know... .Maybe there were feelings there.

I may have made a mistake, i showed a lot of interest and as the days by she kept getting... .I dont know, more absent, like she was there but she wasn't there. She would take hours to respond to me but would never let the conversation die, its like she wanted to keep me there talking to her but not talk to me... .She basically liked pictures from dozens of guys and followed dozen of guys everyday. Untill last week i got tired of her ___ and i ignored her for about a week, didnt text her back and didnt see any of her posts, then when i did respond to her one week later she responded to me back and let the conversation die not responding to me for several days even though she checked everything i've posted.

Today i unfollowed her and she saw it, she asked me why have i done that and since i did it she would unfollow me back to which i've responded that i was obligated to do so she then responded in an ironic way and laughed acting like she didn't care one bit.


Conclusion: I couldn't draw her back in, even though she responded to me and initiated conversation i didnt feel a genuine interest, i didnt feel like she had any feelings for me anymore than what she has with other people. Is it a borderline thing? Because usually when you have your normal ex's its way easier to rebuild something, its like all you have to do is heat those frozen feelings that were there before, with this girl... .I don't know.

I even asked her to go out to which she accepted and when we were about to make plans she said that we'd talk about it later and then ignored it completely.

My revenge plan has failed and i lost even more time (another month) with one of these freaks of nature. I'm completely frustrated, i truly am.

[Lostinanother]

How old are you both?

[TsunamiWave]

How old are you both?

20

[enlighten me]

This is something that seems common in recycles.

I think its because whatever triggers we pulled in them to cause the initial break up haven't gone away so once they re engage with us they realise the triggers sooner. With every recycle the triggers appear sooner and sooner so the recycles get shorter and shorter.

They nay like us but the triggers they cant handle.

[TsunamiWave]

This is something that seems common in recycles.

I think its because whatever triggers we pulled in them to cause the initial break up haven't gone away so once they re engage with us they realise the triggers sooner. With every recycle the triggers appear sooner and sooner so the recycles get shorter and shorter.

They nay like us but the triggers they cant handle.

So that's why i felt no advances on her part? I literally felt no development, like even though she showed a bit interest she did not go further than that. Like she initially had a step back and then eventually put the other step back.

I just dont understand... .If they get triggered then why do they come back? Also, what is causing these triggers?

[CloseToFreedom]

Let me tell you a story, my story. After a relationship of five years we broke off and the past three years she has recycled me around 7 times. Each time she makes contact after a few months, she acts like she knows she was to blame for the troubles in our relationship, has claims about being changed and about realising I am 'the one', etcetera.

Its about one week of her love bombing me and after that, without fail, the contact fizzles out. Like you said, they do send text messages but it feels all of a sudden like you are doing all the work. Which makes you crazy - she was the one who started contact! She was the one claiming she wanted you so badly! But without fail each time she seems less and less interested after about a week or two.

Eventually, it makes me crazy enough that I just have to say something about it, in a polite matter no less, just wanting to talk about feelings. Of course that is enough to set her off, to start blaming me for everything again, to call me horrible names. We go No Contact and the cycle is complete again, until next time she feels the need to contact me again. And the cycle starts anew.

Ive been there enough now that Im leaning on never participating in it again, but Im not kidding myself - I said that each time and I fell for it every time, so Im wary with making too bold claims about it. But I just wanted to tell you this to illustrate that this is completely normal with BPD. THis is how it works and it will never change. You have to decide for yourself if you want to endlessly go through this pain, through the withdrawal, all for a few small hits of 'pleasure'. In my opinion, it is not worth it. You're still young - Im 13 years older than you, also still pretty young - and we have our whole lives ahead of us. Lets share it with someone who appreciates us, shall we?

[Kelli Cornett]

You will never win against a BPD because they are completely unstable.


Do not take it personal. The best thing to do is really NC if you want to keep your sanity.

[TsunamiWave]

Let me tell you a story, my story. After a relationship of five years we broke off and the past three years she has recycled me around 7 times. Each time she makes contact after a few months, she acts like she knows she was to blame for the troubles in our relationship, has claims about being changed and about realising I am 'the one', etcetera.

Its about one week of her love bombing me and after that, without fail, the contact fizzles out. Like you said, they do send text messages but it feels all of a sudden like you are doing all the work. Which makes you crazy - she was the one who started contact! She was the one claiming she wanted you so badly! But without fail each time she seems less and less interested after about a week or two.

Eventually, it makes me crazy enough that I just have to say something about it, in a polite matter no less, just wanting to talk about feelings. Of course that is enough to set her off, to start blaming me for everything again, to call me horrible names. We go No Contact and the cycle is complete again, until next time she feels the need to contact me again. And the cycle starts anew.

Ive been there enough now that Im leaning on never participating in it again, but Im not kidding myself - I said that each time and I fell for it every time, so Im wary with making too bold claims about it. But I just wanted to tell you this to illustrate that this is completely normal with BPD. THis is how it works and it will never change. You have to decide for yourself if you want to endlessly go through this pain, through the withdrawal, all for a few small hits of 'pleasure'. In my opinion, it is not worth it. You're still young - Im 13 years older than you, also still pretty young - and we have our whole lives ahead of us. Lets share it with someone who appreciates us, shall we?

My revenge plan was to have sex with this girl and then dump her and claim i had a new girlfriend. In your experience, do these things happen in these short recycle stages or they basically just show a fake interest to keep you there on a leash but dont really allow anything to happen?

I have so many questions in my mind that i simply cant help it... .I know that the rule number 1, 2 and 3 is to never try to figure these people out because it simply is impossible but man... .I just cant, you know? I try in countless ways to make sense out of these individuals but its simply a Puzzle i cannot solve, its like a Puzzle that once i think i have figured it out i realize i had it all wrong... .And its so freaking hard to let go, to let your thoughts go, to give up on a conclusion... .Argh!

I have a question: What happens if you dont go with the wave? I've heard that Borderlines like the chase more than the catch so my question is: What happens if you play hard to get? What happens if you dont respond to the love bombing? Will they lose interest anyway? With these people seems like you're always in a Lose-Lose situation, that there's no possible outcome where you come above and it just explodes my mind!

We're still both pretty young indeed and i am no longer interested in this girl but i just want a revenge you know? I want to get something from her for all the time i've wasted, i cant simply get slapped around and recycled times and times, i want to be the one ending up above and NC doesnt fill me up on that level, NC simply leaves an immense anger inside me, a sense of unfullfillment. As for you please get away from these people, i know that revenge is not the best thing to do since instead of drawing me out of this crazy cycle it just keeps me there but... .There's nothing i wish for and if i had my revenge i would never talk to this crazy witch ___ again! EVer!

[TsunamiWave]

You will never win against a BPD because they are completely unstable.


Do not take it personal. The best thing to do is really NC if you want to keep your sanity.

Ever since i started talking to this crazy chick again i too became totally unstable, angry, irritated by everyone and everything. I truly swear, everytime im in contact with this particular individual i feel, and i swear that i truly feel my mental sanity getting sucked off me, like it is evaporating from me, it truly is insane how insane they are and how insane they make us.

You can't tell me there's no way to win agaisnt these people, there must be a way, there must be a strategy, there must be a weakness that can be exploited to atleast get what we want, i dont want a relationship no way in this world, hell or Universe i just want to bang her then dump her to trigger her abandonment issues and make her feel pain like she has made me feel.

[Sunfl0wer]

You can't tell me there's no way to win agaisnt these people, there must be a way, there must be a strategy, there must be a weakness that can be exploited to atleast get what we want, i dont want a relationship no way in this world, hell or Universe i just want to bang her then dump her to trigger her abandonment issues and make her feel pain like she has made me feel.

Idk, maybe ask youself why you are not just living your life at the moment?  Why are you allowing your thoughts to have her in them?

Sounds like she doesn’t have what you want, maybe try accepting that what you want, has nothing to do with her?  So go after something else in life... .  Spend energies elsewhere... .?

[enlighten me]

Its not a case of winning or losing. Its a case of survival for both of you.

Revenge seems like a good idea in the beginning but I can assure you seeking it wont help. The best revenge is to get on with your life and be happy as they never will have that.

You asked why they came back? Because the good part of you they want overrides the triggers. Their fantasy of a happy life blinds them from reality. I'm not saying that what we have that triggers them is necessarily bad it just triggers them. Maybe your too nice or you snore or your too tidy or too messy. It could be anything.

I have regular contact with my exgf and it amazes me how quickly I forget things about her that annoy me. Within 5 minutes I am usually reminded of them though. If its like this for a non then why not for a pwBPD. They are basically us with bad coping behaviours and a few other issues thrown in.

[Harley Quinn]

i just want to bang her then dump her to trigger her abandonment issues and make her feel pain like she has made me feel.

iNfected, does this sound like an emotionally healthy statement to you?  Something I feel I ought to point out here is that it's clear you have a lot of healing yet to do.  Taking revenge and causing pain to a very ill person is not going to sit well on your conscience in the future and certainly won't help you to detach and heal.  I would strongly suggest that you take some time to read the Lessons and turn your attention and focus away from your ex onto yourself instead.  Is it usual for you to feel anger as a way of dealing with pain in your life?  Anger is only one of the stages in the healing process.  The danger is we allow ourselves to become stuck there by wanting to act on it, instead of moving forwards and handling the emotions we experience as they arise.  

It is OK to be hurt by someone who hasn't treated you well.  It is OK to feel the pain of this loss.  Hurting others does not end that pain.  She has suffered too and will continue to suffer with her condition which already causes her immense distress and pain on a daily basis.  She doesn't need help from you to feel bad, trust me.

What can you do today to start helping yourself in a more positive way?

Love and light x      

[Joe77]

My revenge plan was to have sex with this girl and then dump her and claim i had a new girlfriend.

iNfected as stated in previous quotes from others the best revenge is moving on with your life and being happy with in yourself. There is no pill to fix BPD as there is no pill to fix abandonment issues that come from both sides. A person with BPD are revenge artist, if you want to play that game, you will be playing with fire. They will one up your every move. When you feel you have hurt them and feel satisfied with revenge,  the person with BPD will top that with no guilt or shame.

People with BPD want to know they have you on the hook still. They reach out telling you everything you want to hear so you fill up the emptiness they feel inside, its black and white thinking. Once the initial relationship is over like quoted earlier whatever they feel was the turning point or how you betrayed them will always dominate their thinking. They will continue to hurt you over and over with no remorse. Empathy is something you either have or you don't. When someone does have not empathy they are unable to truly love someone. Therefore hurting someone over and over does not effect them. The game is chess not checkers. You must protect yourself.   

No contact yes in many ways does not feel like revenge because its not. Its the only protection you have, the last thing you want is to get healthy find someone you truly care about and this person to ruin it for you. Strategy is key in moving forward.

[Kelli Cornett]

Ever since i started talking to this crazy chick again i too became totally unstable, angry, irritated by everyone and everything. I truly swear, everytime im in contact with this particular individual i feel, and i swear that i truly feel my mental sanity getting sucked off me, like it is evaporating from me, it truly is insane how insane they are and how insane they make us.

You can't tell me there's no way to win agaisnt these people, there must be a way, there must be a strategy, there must be a weakness that can be exploited to atleast get what we want, i dont want a relationship no way in this world, hell or Universe i just want to bang her then dump her to trigger her abandonment issues and make her feel pain like she has made me feel.

I totally understand your angry and frustration, ( believe me I've been there ) but sometimes the best revenge is not ever speaking to her again or seeing her.

I know it doesn't seem that way now but if you give her any type of attention ( even negative ) she wins. Cause she wants attention.

Triggering abandonment issues does nothing. She is will either start stalking you, harassing you, hitting you or call the police and making false claims, do you really want that? Would it really be worth it in the end? Probably not.

Even after all that if she is really true BPD. She will just find another guy to cling too and repeat cycle.

You can't break something that is already broken.

I hope that helps, it's a sad truth.

[TsunamiWave]

Its not a case of winning or losing. Its a case of survival for both of you.

Revenge seems like a good idea in the beginning but I can assure you seeking it wont help. The best revenge is to get on with your life and be happy as they never will have that.

You asked why they came back? Because the good part of you they want overrides the triggers. Their fantasy of a happy life blinds them from reality. I'm not saying that what we have that triggers them is necessarily bad it just triggers them. Maybe your too nice or you snore or your too tidy or too messy. It could be anything.

I have regular contact with my exgf and it amazes me how quickly I forget things about her that annoy me. Within 5 minutes I am usually reminded of them though. If its like this for a non then why not for a pwBPD. They are basically us with bad coping behaviours and a few other issues thrown in.

Why is it that it triggers them? For example, a lot of things about her piss me off but they didnt made me lose interest... .It's like even though these people have all the problems and the issues they have a huge advantage in getting out.

[TsunamiWave]

iNfected as stated in previous quotes from others the best revenge is moving on with your life and being happy with in yourself. There is no pill to fix BPD as there is no pill to fix abandonment issues that come from both sides. A person with BPD are revenge artist, if you want to play that game, you will be playing with fire. They will one up your every move. When you feel you have hurt them and feel satisfied with revenge,  the person with BPD will top that with no guilt or shame.

People with BPD want to know they have you on the hook still. They reach out telling you everything you want to hear so you fill up the emptiness they feel inside, its black and white thinking. Once the initial relationship is over like quoted earlier whatever they feel was the turning point or how you betrayed them will always dominate their thinking. They will continue to hurt you over and over with no remorse. Empathy is something you either have or you don't. When someone does have not empathy they are unable to truly love someone. Therefore hurting someone over and over does not effect them. The game is chess not checkers. You must protect yourself.   

No contact yes in many ways does not feel like revenge because its not. Its the only protection you have, the last thing you want is to get healthy find someone you truly care about and this person to ruin it for you. Strategy is key in moving forward.

I totally understand what you're saying and i completely agree when people here say that revenge is not the best option for my own well being, but its just that i have so much anger inside... .you know? We have split for 6 months and this anger died out but then in the last 2 months she has been trying to get into my life and destabilize me completely, it just angers me so much, after being cheated on by this crazy witch and seeing her try to play me like im some sort of video game to entertain her it just flames up such anger in me that i simply cannot put into words. I broke all contact with her because i felt what she was doing but i just want to know that imagine that i banged this chick then dumped her: What possible revenge could she have? I'd be the one laughing!

By the way, she cheated on me with a guy and this guy then cheated on her. I didnt need any revenge. God, Karma whatever people believe in did it for me. This girl cheated on me and she got cheated on and dumped right after. She got hurt!

But still! It wasn't me! I feel like i need the last laugh, i need to be in the above position. It would fill me so much, it would completely take the emptyness i feel because by putting me into an above position i'd have the last laugh and then i could end this forever.

I know this says a lot about me, more than my heart this girl broke my ego, completely and to pieces. Processing this was something terrible and painful, absolute hell!

It's mostly due the fact that these people feel no empathy that it makes me want to hurt them, they're bad people, they're the definition of what it is to be ruthless and to be bad. You can't tell me that they dont deserve to be hurt. Im a page in a book. There will be more people like me that she will hurt and then demonize and then victimize herself after, more cycles will follow, dozens or hundreds of them!

I completely agree with what you're saying but damn man... .I would just give anything to feel the taste of that revenge, its like i can smell it and feel how tasty it would be... .I want it so much i cant even put it into words but i will not follow through it because she gave me no chance of doing so.

[TsunamiWave]

I totally understand your angry and frustration, ( believe me I've been there ) but sometimes the best revenge is not ever speaking to her again or seeing her.

I know it doesn't seem that way now but if you give her any type of attention ( even negative ) she wins. Cause she wants attention.

Triggering abandonment issues does nothing. She is will either start stalking you, harassing you, hitting you or call the police and making false claims, do you really want that? Would it really be worth it in the end? Probably not.

Even after all that if she is really true BPD. She will just find another guy to cling too and repeat cycle.

You can't break something that is already broken.

I hope that helps, it's a sad truth.

After i felt like she was losing interest i simply stopped talking to her, i basically rewarded her behaviour with no attention which i believe is the best thing to do with these people. Back in the relationship i did a huge mistake, i rewarded her with negative attention, which she still feeds of and that may have costed me a lot. I'd truly like to see her harassing me and going absolutely crazy like she went on the initial break up, she said i would even go to jail for saying she was mentally sick... .No im serious, she was ready to go through with this. Classic BPD.

"You can't break something that is already broken."

When it comes to BPD's, this is the most accurate thing i've ever read and it brought peace to me. This quote is simply on point. I try to tell that to myself, there's no point of hurting these individuals, they're in an endless rollercoaster ride where its bad going up and going down, while a normal person as i, has a chance of finding someone emotionally healthy and build a healthy and long lasting relationship. Which she will never be able to build. Not today, not tommorow, never.

[enlighten me]

You ask why it triggers them. Well from my perspective its because they are hyper sensitive to anything that seems to be a criticism. Also as they are constantly unhappy they form an idea of what will make them happy and when life strays from this then the negativity creeps in.

My ex wife was always searching for what would make her happy. First it was getting a boyfriend that matched her idea (me). Then getting engaged. Then married. Then kids. At each stage her happiness was never complete so she pushed onto the next stage in the hope that it would finally give her the happiness she wanted. When normal life wasn't the happy ever after she wanted she left and met someone else. Now remarried she has realised the grass wasn't greener. She is in an unhappy marriage full of conflict and regretting losing me.

[TsunamiWave]

You ask why it triggers them. Well from my perspective its because they are hyper sensitive to anything that seems to be a criticism. Also as they are constantly unhappy they form an idea of what will make them happy and when life strays from this then the negativity creeps in.

My ex wife was always searching for what would make her happy. First it was getting a boyfriend that matched her idea (me). Then getting engaged. Then married. Then kids. At each stage her happiness was never complete so she pushed onto the next stage in the hope that it would finally give her the happiness she wanted. When normal life wasn't the happy ever after she wanted she left and met someone else. Now remarried she has realised the grass wasn't greener. She is in an unhappy marriage full of conflict and regretting losing me.

Oh man... .That's absolutely hell. The way i see it, there's no way you can please these individuals because the lack of self, the lack of something, the lack of everything they dont have, they try to find it in someone else and in a life with someone else and the things they're missing are impossible to find in other people. It's pure insanity. I just feel so sorry for myself and for everyone who has had the absolute unfortunate experience to deal with these people.

I just ask myself: Why me? There are not that many borderlines, why is it that i had to be the one put through this immense hell of bull___? It's like winning the lottary, but a negative lottary. Its just... .insane.

I have thought about telling my ex the worst things i think about her, how do borderlines react when you completely destroy them with the painful truth about themselves?

[enlighten me]

You ask why you? I think weve all asked this.

After much soul searching I came to my answer. I wasn't happy with my life and I wanted more from it. I thought what I was missing was that special person to complete me. I now realise that I don't need someone to complete me as I am a whole person. Happiness cant come from someone else it is something we choose. Only we can make ourselves happy or unhappy. It is of our choosing.

This realisation has brought me peace. I am happier now than I have ever been.