Shared with a Friend and She Told Her Husband

[Tattered Heart]

A couple months ago I disclosed to a friend my H's BPD and some of the things going on in our home. I was hesitant to share because she does not have much experience in understanding mental illness and she also is a very sentimental person. But I felt like our friendship had grown enough that it was time to share with her.

I went to visit this friend in the hospital today and her H was there. He has tried to befriend my H several times, but my H doesn't really want to hang out with him for whatever reason, not really sure. Her H says, "How is your H?" I say he is good and he says, "Is he really?"

I was a little taken back. And I said, "Yeah, he's doing great." The H says, "What is it that he has?" I stumbled over my words a little and basically just said he has never been officially diagnosed with anything.  And he goes on to talk about autism/Aspergers. I just went along with the conversation because it's something we have considered in the past and I knew my friend's H knew a little about that diagnosis. I did not mention BPD.

But I'm a little frustrated. My friend told her H what was going on in my relationship. And now I'm worried that if we get together with this couple that he could say something to my H that would indicate he knows about the verbal abuse and that I think my H has a mental illness. I had an expectation of privacy when I disclosed to my friend and now I'm quite embarrassed not only for myself but for my H. The H's questions led me to believe that they may see him as someone unstable and to be handled with kid gloves.

They don't understand that when he gets angry that the anger subsides just as quickly as it comes on. They don't understand the work that I have done to begin making our relationship better and they don't see the how significantly things have gotten better in the last few months. I think they see me as a poor abused woman and my H as the abuser. I don't want that.

I've always believed that a couple shouldn't share their arguments with family members because the family members only remember the negative fight and don't see the making up. Guess it's the same with friends. I shouldn't have assumed privacy in disclosing and next time, IF I say anything, I'll need to preface it with a request for her not to tell her H.

I'm trying not to kick myself in the butt. I don't share easily with others. It took me 2 years of building trust with the small handful of friends that know.  I'm feeling betrayed. Not sure if I should address this or not, or just address it if I share anything more with her in the future. I need a safe place to share my struggles because I have the tendency to just bottle things in, but what do I do when I can't be sure the friend won't tell someone else?

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[polaris9]

I initially only shared with a few people such as the family doctor, and my uBPDw's sister to try to get them to help.  But I am becoming more exasperated and having to share some info with others since my w's behavior is noticeably abnormal.  For example the principal at my d's school - I had to tell her to call me if she gets any strange requests from my wife.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

I am sorry this happened to you! I can definitely understand your frustration and not feeling comfortable speaking with people about these topics.

In my experience every time I tried to talk this stuff over (before and after I began to associate my partner's behaviors with BPD) it basically blew up in my face. Most people aren't well informed and then, yeah, every time you have to hear about this stuff and your relationship is always seen as "troubled" with no upsides to it. It hurts.

I applaud you at least trying to confide in the friend. I think you probably either have to really inform her about it and set some parameters or just drop it. I'd also try to assume the best of intentions on your friend's part although it hurt you and she didn't see the big picture - intuitively get that bringing it back up or sharing with her husband would cause issues later. I hope you can feel better about this and at least we have each other here!

[Chosen]

Tattered Heart,

I would feel quite betrayed if I were in your position too; I wouldn't want my friend to share it with her H, and worse still, possibly bring it up before my H!  This is why when I share, I usually share with people whom H doesn't really know and will not meet.  I cannot afford to have him know that I talk to other people, saying he is ill, because he has NOT been diagnosed and doesn't think he has any issues. 

However, he still "found out" that I have talked to others about our marriage, which I eventually confessed (it was some close Christian sisters whom I talk to and share with occasionally).  It wasn't even about BPD or anything of that magnitude, it's just on some problems/ conflicts we sometimes have.  He considers this a betrayal.  In order to be "blameless" in front of him and not having to lie should he ask again whether I talk to others about us, I have not really shared anything about my marriage to anybody these days, which is sad because I don't really have friends and family who know my situation.  Sometimes that makes me feel lonely. 

But I come on here and although people don't know me personally, it is a good outlet as members are familiar with BPD and therefore less judgemental; also they provide emotional support and also give you tips on how to respond/ how to have better communication.  And the best is that it's a safe place where H will not find out!  (I never use my computer/ phone for the site)

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks guys. I think like pearlsw said sharing probably isn't the best route with people who do not understand. I have a friend who works with what she calls "budding borderlines". She is a therapist and works with troubled teens in residential and I have gotten quite a bit of support from her when needed. I think my other friend is just too sentimental and gets emotional and worried too easily.

I don't have many friends outside of a shared peer group. My H is friends, as much as he is able to be friends with someone, with the  H's of my friends. These are ladies that were in my small group through church. There are 4 of them and I've only had issues with the 1. One of the ladies was in a relationship with someone who probably had BPD so she understands the dynamics. One is the counselor mentioned above. And the 3rd just doesn't get too involved because she has her own stuff going on.

I think minimizing the details with this friend will be best. I'll just call it "anxiety" or "grouchy" if it happens to come up. But talking about a PD is quite difficult for many to wrap their head around. People understand narcissism, kind of, but BPD is so under the radar.

[isilme]

They don't understand that when he gets angry that the anger subsides just as quickly as it comes on. They don't understand the work that I have done to begin making our relationship better and they don't see the how significantly things have gotten better in the last few months. I think they see me as a poor abused woman and my H as the abuser. I don't want that.

Yes.  This^^^^.  I have let people very close to us know that H has "anxiety issues" and left it at that to explain the obvious disproportion in our "adulting" load, or when he's moody and it shows.  Now that he is diagnosed with diabetes, I can kinda more easily push things off on "low blood sugar" "adjusting to new medication" and "lack of energy" for things that are noticed.

But I also grew up with BPD parents who enforced the taboo of not talking about it at all, especially not with teachers and guidance counselors.  So my taboo-training kicks in and I have a lifetime of noncommittal replies to change the subject or make it less of an issue.  H is also like Chosen's and would count it as quite the betrayal if someone mentioned it to him. 

talking about a PD is quite difficult for many to wrap their head around. People understand narcissism, kind of, but BPD is so under the radar.

Yes.  I love this board beucase those who find it "get it".  I don't need to worry you all feel I am some battered woman cowering in a corner all my life, or that my H is the worst man in the world, and won't tell me "just leave" without a second thought. 

[Chosen]

Yes.  I love this board beucase those who find it "get it".  I don't need to worry you all feel I am some battered woman cowering in a corner all my life, or that my H is the worst man in the world, and won't tell me "just leave" without a second thought. 

I so agree with you.  I don't share a lot with people "outside" because 1. they judge, and 2. they will give you advise which is both unhelpful and unasked for.  They don't understand BPD, and they will say stuff like ("he obviously has some problem, you need to talk to a counselor"- yeah right, 1. I can never get him to go to counseling, and 2. if we talk to a third party I will seem like the unreasonable and crazy one for sure.  Then he will go home and unleash his fury on me.) 

I think it is important for us to have some support from others, but in a way that is supportive to us, not causing us more frustration.

[Tattered Heart]

Yes.  This^^^^.  I have let people very close to us know that H has "anxiety issues" and left it at that to explain the obvious disproportion in our "adulting" load, or when he's moody and it shows.  Now that he is diagnosed with diabetes, I can kinda more easily push things off on "low blood sugar" "adjusting to new medication" and "lack of energy" for things that are noticed.

But I also grew up with BPD parents who enforced the taboo of not talking about it at all, especially not with teachers and guidance counselors.  So my taboo-training kicks in and I have a lifetime of noncommittal replies to change the subject or make it less of an issue.  H is also like Chosen's and would count it as quite the betrayal if someone mentioned it to him. 

Anxiety seems to be easily understood by others. I've mentioned this to casual acquaintances when H has cancelled on someone. But I'm also trying hard NOT to make excuses for his behavior or to keep it hidden. It was in hiding his behavior that things got so bad. I was ashamed, isolated, and scared and that's what allowed me to allow him to get close to becoming physically abusive. It was in opening up with others about what is going on in my home that I began to finally find freedom. Light is the best disinfectant. I try to live by the philosophy that there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be brought out into the open. Even if that means sharing it here or with others.

Like you mentioned we are taught that we don't talk about issues with others. My FOO was not too dysfunctional. We had a pretty good WASP upbringing, but somehow co-dependency seemed to be in our blood. We didn't talk about the smaller problems that were there. And even now I'm learning new things about my parents that I never knew because it was swept under the rug.

[Fie]

Hello Tattered Heart  

That must feel very confusing to you, to be in that position !

However in my opinion there's a positive side on this. Your friend and her H choose to side with your approach in not keeping things a secret, and in the open. They even talked about it with you. I would say the H was quite brave in doing that.

Agreed, the way he did it was a bit awkward maybe and left you feeling vulnerable, correct ?  But at least their reaction was not what most people would do : not trying to understand you / sweep everything under the carpet / pretending they know nothing and leaving you feeling all alone with your problem.

You might not like the fact that your friend told her H / that he discussed this in an awkward feeling way with you, but I think he might have wanted to reach out to you.

How about expressing your concerns to your friend? Why not telling her how you feel about this ?
You might want to keep in mind that some people are very close to their partner and tell them everything... .they are so close to their partner that they feel they didn't tell anyone ('it's only my husband who knows'.

[isilme]

How about expressing your concerns to your friend? Why not telling her how you feel about this ?
You might want to keep in mind that some people are very close to their partner and tell them everything... .they are so close to their partner that they feel they didn't tell anyone ('it's only my husband who knows'.

Yeah - maybe if you could talk to them both, together, and explain a bit more to them, they could understand the dos and don'ts a bit better, and how much of a confidence this is for you to trust them tot talk tot them at all about it.