The big question is why would someone take drastic measures to get pregnant only to eventually leave or make their spouses life miserable. In my mind if I wanted to marry someone I would want them to love me the same way I love them, why force someone to marry you through pregnancy entrapment?
Just found this old post from you @newyoungfather. It is so similar to my partner's experience I just had to comment! I feel like my partner felt a lot of shame talking about how he was "dumb" enough to fall for uBPDmom's tricks. And his shame kept him from telling most people. But I think more people need to know that entrapment via pregnancy seems to be a popular theme for BPDmoms. It is crazy because in the end they end up just hurting these little beings they created. And the courts for the most part do not seem equipped at least in the state of Indiana to deal with BPDmoms and their lies.
First I personally think love has nothing to do with it. My partner met uBPDmom online for a casual hook up since they both "agreed" they didn't really like each other but wanted someone to pass the time with. They used condoms, except for that one time when she asked him not to because she liked sex without condoms better and she could just take the morning after pill. Yeah I know. Hindsight. My partner got the morning after pill, she of course didn't take it. And then a few weeks later she was literally banging on his door demanding for him to let her in because she was having his baby. This to me was nothing to do with love. She was in a low low place in life (continues to be) and I think she saw a person with a home, and a loving family , and a stable job and she wanted to be part of that life. She didn't love my partner, she wanted to consume his life.
Also I think repeating past childhood trauma is huge. uBPDmom had a single mom who had children from multiple men who did not stick around or ended up in jail. She wants to prove that she can be a better single parent; that she won't make the same mistakes... .while she was making the same mistakes. I think there is this mentality of saying "I'm not bad for having been raised by a single mom who was terrible so I'm going to go out and show everyone how great of a single mom I am." The idea of just not being a single mom, of finding a partner who you love, isn't an option because BPD individuals often haven't experienced that unconditional love and don't know know how to give it. I honestly just don't think love feels or is experienced the same way for BPD individuals. Love with constant fear isn't really love.
Oh also there is that impulsive thing. One day you want to be super mom and the next a you want to dress slutty and tinder date. One day you want to get your master's and the next be a realtor and the next work at the post office but in reality you're just unemployed.
Oh and I know it is taboo to talk about but there is that child support check every month. Let's not pretend that manipulative BPDmoms don't know that they will be getting a nice check every month. I don't know why people are so hesitant to talk about it. Like if they say it a load of crud that an underemployed BPDmom gets 25% of the father's paycheck, somehow that makes them a bad parent who don't want to support their kids. It doesn't. Dad by and large want to support their kids and almost all who are employed do because they have to and also because they want to. But they also want their kid's mom's to financially support them because we live in a two-income society. Both parents need to work. Dad's can't support ALL of their kids needs and the child's mother's needs. That is no longer feasible. Unfortunately, the court system is not set up to make sure the needs of the child are met; they are set up to take the largest portion of child support. Other countries have very different ways of calculating child support based on the needs of the child not on the income of the father. Our courts are not set up to make both parents financially responsible for their children. It feels sometimes like it is set up to punish fathers. Because uBPDmom was always talking about how she wouldn't ask for child support, somehow I know that uBPDmom always intended to seek child support. Plus she continues every 3 months or so to try to appeal for more (even though with childcare costs my partner is giving her about 25% of his take home salary.)
I will also say it has taken my partner a while to heal from the PTSD of living with someone with BPD. She was always shoving such weird notions of what love was down his throat (love means giving me 100 dollars, love means driving me around, love means marrying me, love means sitting there while I scream at you, love means doing whatever I say, love means a million different irrational things.) Even though he said explicitly that he never loved her and he never would (after all they were never together and started hooking up with the common agreement that they had nothing in common and didn't really like each other), she believed she was owed her concept of love (which was often material things) because she had his baby. I think my partner in the beginning (because he is an amazing father) wanted to love her because he thought that would be best for his son. But in the end he realized it was best for his son to have a safe space away from the manipulative version of love his BPDmom gives him. And now, SS has our home to learn what unconditional safe love is, where when my partner and I hug and kiss he runs in to join the family hug, where in the mornings he becomes a cuddle monster, where he knows when he has an accident or an owie, he can come to us and someone will help him make it better. I guess what I'm saying is I'm so glad your son has someone to teach him what that kind of safe non-manipulative love feels like.
Sorry for this delayed months-later response @newyoungfather. I guess i just wish my partner 3 years ago had someone telling him, this is not love, you do not need to give your soul to this person, you do not need to sacrifice yourself for your son, and you will find safe love eventually, and it definitely gets better. Just know you and your son deserve non-manipulative love!
