Looking for advice

[ninjacat]

I spent years going from low contact to very low contact to eventually NC with my uBPDm- it's been a little more than a year of NC and for the most part, it has been really great.  Unfortunately, going NC with uBPDm also meant going NC with my dad, sister and her family.  My sister has a co-dependent relationship with our mother and she couldn't maintain a relationship with me that closed our mother out.  It put her in the position to either lie to our mother (and have her kids lie, as well) about seeing me or deal with the constant harassment from uBPDm... .maintaining a relationship with me is practically treason in her book.  I didn't try hard to keep the door open between my sister and I because I understand that stress- and honestly, once I went very low contact with uBPDm, my sister offered my mother’s BPD by proxy.  She'd say things to me like, "your niece cries for you and doesn't understand why you never call or see her- she is completely devastated"- I call BS on this because I have been LC since before my niece was born and I never really saw/spoke to her more than 3-4 times a year.  It was obviously something uBPDm planted.

I never send a NC letter or anything to my uBPDm- just stopped calling and responding.  I ignored messages and calls and after many, many hateful and hurtful messages, she eventually gave up.  I never blocked her/them on social media though because I was afraid that would really set her off- I live about 45 minutes away from them and I was afraid of the repercussions.  I stopped posting on my social media during my transition from LC to NC to avoid all opportunities dialog, but I do still like posts, etc. from friends, so they do see that I am active.

Occasionally, my sister messages me on FB about something completely insignificant.  Again, I’m not really NC with her so I’ve always responded.  The first time it happened, I thought she was reaching out to maybe keep a small, hidden relationship with me... .turns out, that wasn't the case.  Months later, when I got a new job, my sister noticed on LinkedIn and messaged me to ask if I had moved- I responded and that was the end of it.  Just yesterday, again, after months of no contact, my sister messaged me to ask me if a restaurant that she likes in my town was still open.  I saw the alert come across my phone and was instantly annoyed- if she can’t maintain a relationship of any substance with me, why does she message me over trivial nonsense? 

This is where I need some advice.  I’m not sure why this is making me so upset.  Part of me wants to respond to her question like I usually do, just to maintain the status quo and move on.  Another part of me wants to just ignore the message.  What I’d really like to do though is ask her why the hell she'd message me about something so stupid after months of us not speaking…I won’t do that, but I needed to vent that somewhere and here seems like the best place.  What does everyone think- respond or not?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ninjacat, 

I can see why you are both confused and irritated by your sister's behavior of reaching out over something so trivial. I have a couple of thoughts. Don't know if they are applicable or not but I'll throw them out there.

On one hand do you think she is trying to reach out with something small and seemingly safe to approach you, a neutral subject? She could look online and find out, or call the phone number of the place to see as well. Of course one can only guess at her motivation. What does her track history say? From what you've shared, not so good, but rather a 'put all guards up and walk carefully' time.

On the other hand, if I were in your shoes, I might be irritated because darn it, I want a real, true and deep relationship, not something superficial. Does it feel like salt in a wound to you? The good thing is you get to chose how you want to respond. Remember there really is no obligation to do what you don't want to do or feel uncomfortable doing. That's the wonderful part about choices: they are yours to make freely and without guilt.

 
Wools