Bringing My -1

[Tattered Heart]

My H has turned into a complete, isolated hermit. And I'm trying to support his decision to be alone but it's making things difficult for me.

Last month we were invited to a couple's party. I went alone because at the last minute my H changed his mind about going.

Yesterday our group of friends had a Friendsgiving dinner. Again, my H chose not to go. These couples are the only couples that have stayed in a relationship with us after we left our church and I'm so frustrated that he is choosing to snub them. All of the H's of these couples try to get my H to do things with them and hang out. He will say "Yeah, we need to do that" but then  never follows up, cancels plans if they get set, and alienates himself from them.

It also makes socializing hard. Thankfully my H isn't fighting me when I tell him that I am still going to these events. When we are invited I tell him that I would really enjoy it if we were to go together. When he balks, I let him know that I'm not going to force him to go (in the past I would drag him to events, kicking and screaming the whole way) but I also let him know that I am still going to attend. This seems to be working well, but I hate having to go single to parties.

Everyone asks me where he is. I used to make up excuses for him, saying he was at work or sick or whatever. I don't do that anymore. Yesterday before I left, he said, "What are you going to tell everyone when they ask where I am?" I told him I would just tell them that he is not there. He asked me to make up an excuse and I told him I would not do that. One of the H's called him from the party and left him a voicemail asking where he was.

Sunday I have another Christmas party and he isn't going. And he is now hoping to get out of Christmas as my mom's. He said he will come over for dinner with family but he isn't going to spend the weekend with us.

How could I encourage him to be a little more social? It can't be good for him to be this isolated. I know I can't force it or make him go. But there has to be a way to help him be more comfortable with social interactions. He is literally alone in this world with no one except me by his own choosing.

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[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

Oh, this sounds so difficult! Have you tried taking him to other things where he can be semi-social? Around people, but not really having to interact much if ya know what I mean. Like, I dunno, random example, going to a boat show, or fair, or some event where humans gather, you see them and all, but there is not expectation of talking to them. I think the more attention put on him not going to such things would likely backfire. But I wonder if this semi-social approach could help? Around people, but not particularly intimate or high pressured. Perhaps in time it could help him get out of what sounds a bit like depression.

Has he expressed any reason why he is becoming less social at this time? Maybe this is just temporary? But I understand, it feels like something that could get worse and that is a frightening feeling.

 

[isilme]

I said something similar to H last night:

He is literally alone in this world with no one except me by his own choosing.

In the last few years, we have essentially cut a few toxic couples from our circle.  I feel we tried to get along, we tried to be nice and helpful to them, but when you realize you are dreading going to people's houses because you know they will hit you up to buy things and have unrealistic expectations of any and all party events so much that you hate going, you get sick there because they don't clean, etc., a change is needed.  Add to this one couple has a husband with obvious substance abuse issues (he has baked his brain and mixes his own pill cocktails) I can't be around that, especailly now that I know they have a child and I fear for it's mental and physkca health.  I was the kid at home alone with the druggie.  I can't have to make that call to CPS, knowing that the foster system is a poor "fix" for ythings in itself.  

So a few people we would spend time with are now off the calling list so to speak.  

So H has been at times bemoaning how he has "no" friends, he's going to die alone, no one likes him, he has nothing to be proud of, poor him.  I listed for him all the tried and true friends we have that he refuses to make time for.  One couple has young kids so dinner out is difficult for them (right now, as the kids get older it should be easier), one lives 10 hours away but tries to see us when they are in the area.  Another has been super awesome, and he sees them several times a week.  Two single guys have proven to be very good friends.  We have two new couples we are trying to make time for.  We are far from not having people to spend time with if we exert effort or invite them over.  

H goes into how he's tired and his health makes things hard on him, and I was like, that has nothing to do with these people being your friend.  If you choose to stay home the very few times our friends who are parents are free -that's on you.  If you decide to not call up the single guys when you want to go out somewhere, that's on you.  If you choose not to come with me to Friends-with-kids-House when they ASK you to come, that's on you.  

I also feel weird going to things without H, as if I need to just stay home with him or make an excuse.  I mean, yes, I think BPD affects his health as well as the physical issues, and so for me to say his health kept him home (mental health) is not really a lie, and I hate for them to think he doesn't like THEM, but at the same time, it wouldn't kill him to get out and go spend time with people we've know 20 years.  

[flourdust]

Is he choosing not to go to these things at the last minute, or is he declining right from the start? The former speaks more to impulsivity, which could be addressed more in the context of the overall impact on you of impulsive decision-making.

I'm an introvert myself, so there are times that I don't want to socialize. You two might have very different levels of socialization that you need.

He may just not find time with these couples to be much fun. Does he have friends of his own he likes to see?

Perhaps he just wants fewer social engagements that you do. You could make your own plans.

What does he do instead of socializing?

Does he have an online social life?

[Tattered Heart]

Is he choosing not to go to these things at the last minute, or is he declining right from the start? The former speaks more to impulsivity, which could be addressed more in the context of the overall impact on you of impulsive decision-making.

Both. The party last month he was willing to go up until a couple hours before then changed his mind. For the party this weekend, he said "no" when I first told him about it. Then yesterday morning he waffled back and forth and was thinking of going, but then decided against it.

I'm an introvert myself, so there are times that I don't want to socialize. You two might have very different levels of socialization that you need.

What's weird is that I'm an extroverted introvert and he is an introverted extrovert. We definitely have different needs. I like to socialize at least 2-3 times per month outside of the house for about 3 hours at a time. Anymore than that and I'm so worn out. He gets pumped up being around people. He gets energized from others, but getting him there is the hard part.

He may just not find time with these couples to be much fun. Does he have friends of his own he likes to see?

This could be the case. I know he really likes 2 of the guys. He does not have friends of his own. The only person he socializes with is his weed dealer who he sees once every week or so. I do encourage him to hang out with this guy more than just pick up and because they talk, play chess, and really get a long well and he seems like a nice kid. But that's it. He doesn't believe in making friends at work. His boss has tried to engage him on a personal level and it was because of their friendship that he got hired, but now he doesn't speak to him except about work. He used to have a small social group of guys at church, but he doesn't want to see any of them anymore.

Perhaps he just wants fewer social engagements that you do. You could make your own plans.

I do. I have a dinner with girlfriends at least once per month. I'm involved in some groups at church and meet with friends for coffee every couple of weeks.

What does he do instead of socializing? Does he have an online social life?

He does nothing. When he is at home alone he reads news articles and watches you tube videos. He plays with the dog. Once I get home he talks with me, we do farm chores, and then Netflix until bed.

He got off FB awhile back because it was causing him to have extreme anxiety, he kept getting into fights with people, and it was creating a lot of dysregulation. He said that he realized he felt like he was connecting to people on FB even though he wasn't and just because they were on his friends list, he thoughts of them as his real friends, even if he hardly knew them. He saw that he was having a hard time distinguishing between the two in this regard and said he would begin to focus more on real friendships. He has yet to do that.

[5xFive]

My husband does this too TH. He says he’s going to go to a function, that he WANTS to go but then at the last minute he backs out and I’m left to go alone, or not show up for something, after already rsvp-ing yes.
I too would like to know if there is some way to get him more social. Mine stays home and plays video games. He used to play with a headset on, talking to other people, but he hasn’t done that in a very long time. Now it’s just him and his controller.
He has a couple of friends at work, and he goes out for a drink maybe 1 a year. But they invite him far more often. I’m always so excited at the thought of us showing up to parties together but it’s gotten so bad that friends and family no longer ask where he is if he’s not there, and they’re thouroghly surprised when he is... .
When there is a party near or around a time that he begins to dysregulate, he uses it as a form of punishment for me: “I was going to go with you but now you can just go by yourself”.
I wish I could give advice, but I’m hopeful to read someone else’s words of wisdom re: general encouragment for increased socialization.