How do I move past anger into acceptance?

[pyropsycho]

So, I think one of the big things holding me back in my healing is anger: anger at my mother for not really being there as a parent, anger at how she expected me to take care of her and everyone else from a very young age, anger that she still tries to control my life, anger about this legacy of pain and dysfunction that she's passed on to me, etc.

For awhile, I told myself that my anger was healthy. It's funny, because for so much of my life I never got angry. I could never understand when others were angry because I literally never felt anger. I still think some amount of anger is good because it helps us stand up for ourselves and gives us a sense of justice.

But as someone who is new to anger, how do you all deal with it? How do you move past it and into acceptance? I realize that she can't help her behavior and that she probably hates the way she is, which does give me some empathy for her, but it doesn't always stick for me. Maybe I just need to be angry for awhile, but I'm worried that it might take over and poison my heart. Any advice?

[Kwamina]

Hi pyropsycho

I think experiencing anger and allowing ourselves to experience our anger, is an important part of our healing process. When you look at the survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse (right=hand side margin of this board), you will see that anger is mentioned several times:
"6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others
... .
10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my agression"

Having firm and healthy boundaries and standing up for ourselves is indeed important. Pete Walker says this about our grieving process:
"Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection."

Moving through the anger and not holding onto it can be challenging. We have an article here by Kathy Ewing that you might find helpful, it's about anger and resentment:
Maybe She Did the Best She Could Do

Acceptance is hard, perhaps Marsha Linehan says it best:

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.
... .
If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.
... .
Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read more here:
Radical Acceptance: From Suffering to freedom

[Peacefromwithin]

I was able to start moving from anger to acceptance, by realizing that I was angry because I wanted my uBPD/NPD mother to act and be different than who she was. Once I let go of expectations, and realized she was who she was, and that she wasn't going to change, that helped a lot. Realizing her treatment of me was not personal, even though she treated one of my siblings differently or acted differently in public, helped too. Anger at how she treated/treats me only hurts me, it doesn't help me, so what's the point of anger. It's not going to change the situation. I can only change ME. It's a waste of negative energy to be angry about something that I can't change.

[Turkish]

One of the things I came to realize after being here a while is that despite the fact that we talk so much about validating the pwBPD, that we have trouble validating our own emotions; that is,  it can be hard to accept that what we feel is ok.  Does this sound familiar? Is part of your anger possibly about being angry at yourself for being angry?

[pyropsycho]

Thank you all for your comments. Turkish, I really do struggle with that a lot. It feels like I can't even accept and validate my own anger. Maybe that is a big part of what's holding me back.

[madeline7]

For me, I have recently realized that I am moving through the emotions similar to the 5 stages of greif: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Throughout my childhood and early adult years, I was heavily into the denial stage. I now know that as a child, I really did not know what was "normal", but the older siblings and Dad were in deep denial as well. When I did figure it out, I went straight to anger and did that stage really well. Of course there was some bargaining thrown in, with myself, Dad, uBPDm and even siblings. Then back to the denial stage for much of my adult years, while I was married and raising my family. Intermittently I would become angry when the rages and silent treatment would occur, but geographical distance helped. Now I am an older adult, Dad is gone and Mom is alone and has moved closer to be near the grown children (so we can take care of her: she would like us to enable her like Dad did). So I have recently reopened the wounds of my childhood and the effect is has had and continues to have on my life. I started becoming anxious, and lo and behold have arrived at the depression stage. I am seeing a T, and anxiously awaiting the acceptance stage. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. I am much better at setting healthy boundaries, and am taking care of myself, and for me, that is the key. Good luck with your journey, keep posting and reading and getting support from this wonderful community.

[pyropsycho]

For me, I have recently realized that I am moving through the emotions similar to the 5 stages of greif: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Throughout my childhood and early adult years, I was heavily into the denial stage. I now know that as a child, I really did not know what was "normal", but the older siblings and Dad were in deep denial as well. When I did figure it out, I went straight to anger and did that stage really well. Of course there was some bargaining thrown in, with myself, Dad, uBPDm and even siblings. Then back to the denial stage for much of my adult years, while I was married and raising my family.

Wow, thank you! As a T myself, that language makes so much sense to me with this. I think I've spent most of my life so far being in denial and bargaining, and now it's almost exclusively alternating between anger and depression. I hope someday we find what we're looking for. Hope your T has been helpful, as I've been disappointed lately by how little mine throughout my life seem to understand my situation.

[Kwamina]

Hi again pyropsycho

... .as I've been disappointed lately by how little mine throughout my life seem to understand my situation.

I am sorry to hear you haven't really found a good 'fit' with any of your therapists. Good thing though is that you have joined this site and I know that many of our members can very much relate to your experiences as has already become evident in this thread alone.

Take care and I hope you continue to grow and heal

The Board Parrot

[Insom]

Hi, pyropsycho.  First of all, I agree with others that anger is a part of the process.  The trick is to move through it and not get stuck there.

The thing that's helped me the most is to view my family as a system that I am also a part of that goes back generations.

[pyropsycho]

The thing that's helped me the most is to view my family as a system that I am also a part of that goes back generations.

Thank you. I couldn't agree more. I think that's part of what's got me stuck, though. My family is extremely enmeshed and now that I've been able to somewhat pull myself out, I know I can never go back to caretaking/enabling like I always used to. And, the system has re-stabilized itself so I feel pretty helpless to do anything besides just taking care of myself. I feel like I don't know how to have relationships with my family members anymore.

[Panda39]

I'm here because not because of a BPD Parent but because my Significant Other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), but I can relate.  I arrived on these boards a very angry lady.  How could this woman treat the man she had been married to for almost 20 years the way she did?  How could she treat her daughters the way she did?

For me I needed... .

To discover BPD  
To find this website and the people who "get it"
To have my feelings understood and validated (Shout out to the Co-parenting Board  )
To understand BPD and how it presented in my SO's ex (even though there are
   similar stories everyone's situation is individual) because there were patterns in
   the chaos
To understand what my SO's experience was (The relationship boards!)
To understand the point of view of his daughters (You all on this Board!  )
To learn tools offered here... .validation, don't JADE, SET, Boundaries etc.
To learn and look at myself, what was I bringing to the party?
To stop trying to rescue everyone
To stop trying to control everyone
To stop expecting my SO's ex to be someone she isn't (Radical Acceptance )
To accept that my SO's Daughters were going to have to learn some things the
 hard way in terms of their mother.

Do I get angry anymore? Of course I do but it is no longer all encompassing.

I know that having a BPD parent is much different than my experience but hope something that has helped me resonates.

Panda39

[pyropsycho]

Thank you, Panda. I don't get on here nearly often enough. I'd be curious to hear about how your SO's daughters deal with it... .A lot of what you've said does resonate with me. I'm finally accepting that my mom isn't going to change. Just not sure what to do with that yet.