Giving myself a pat on the back

[Chosen]

I feel like I averted a crisis several nights ago.

Arrived home after work to an irritated uBPDh.  He was doing housework but things weren't going well, e.g. water fell off the kettle lid when he was pouring, spilling water all over the place.  He was clearly irritated and by the second or third time one of these little things happened, he was swearing and sighing loudly.

He had made me dinner and was told me to eat while he fed our kid.  But as per usual, if I'm home, kid prefers me feeding her (actually she kinda feeds herself but she prefers me sitting there with her).  Initially I was eating my own dinner (as I have been instructed by H), but she started crying and trying to force me to come, and H was losing his cool. 

I suggested why don't I first feed her, so he can rest a bit (cos I could sense him getting mad at her and it wasn't going to end well).  He went to the kitchen, kid was still crying so I picked up her bowl and began to feed her.  He then exploded on me and said why doesn't he just pour away my dinner since I prefer feeding the child to eating it.  That me and the kid should both be happy because we got what we wanted etc.  He then proceeded to slam doors and said I treat him like a servant... .

Initially I tried to JADE by telling him I was trying to take the burden off him, that I thought he could get least get a bit of rest and I was just trying to get the child to eat her dinner without further disrupting us with her crying.  But then I knew it would escalate, so I just explained that once only and then said sorry I have no intention of dismissing his work and waving him off.  Even though it was an intense situation, I managed to keep calm, did not JADE, and did not let any tears out.  I think I did well!  Was keeping my eye on the prize (trying to calm the situation down instead of who's right/ who's wrong).

More door-slamming, but he went into the room to read and after a while he actually calmed down.  I did another thing right in not bringing up the matter again, just went about my night as usual.  Things were quickly "back to normal".

Although I know this is not "normal" life, "normal" families probably don't have one person who could explode and start slamming doors once the other parent want to feed the child (so that he could have some peace), I keep on reminding my self that the life with a pwBPD is not normal, that we shouldn't compare it to the experience with "others".

I'm just quite glad that crisis has been averted, and I think it's also important to give ourselves a little credit sometimes, because obviously our pwBPDs will never know how hard we try.

(On a side note, there were times before which I acted similar to what he did- not quite so dramatic, but, feeling pressure, I would sigh heavily and go about doing my tasks looking irritated.  And he would absolutely scold me for it, saying how incapable I am, getting irritated so easily while he himself just gets on with things and never get emotional... .so ironic.)

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[AskingWhy]

Chosen, good for you!  

Life with a BPD spouse, it may be cliche, is like walking on eggshells, but we can navigate the relationship with a few skills and commuication techniques.

My uBPD/uNPD H is just like that.  He explodes over the smallest things.  He is often projecting over things he can't control (his children/their spouses, parents, work) and then blaming me.  I have come to see the dynamics of his twisted way of thinking and try to communicate accordingly.

In the past, he'd rage and I would rage back.  (Fighting fire with fire.)  This caused things to escalate.  Now I just remain calm and, if necessary, remove myself from the situation. pwBPD and NPD crave drama, and I just don't give it to my husband.  He loses the "fuel" from the drama and the craziness engine sputters out and go "back to normal" as if nothing had even happened.  I am sure you can relate.

It's amazing now that I can predict my H calming down after a volatile episode.  H will nitpick about household chores, and then start name calling, then spiraling into the personal attacks, divorce threats and other very BPD behaviors.  Then from Jekyll to Hyde by the next morning.

(And, yes, I know the irony of the behavioral double-standard of pwBPD.)

So, Chosen, good for you!  

[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen and AskingWhy, Thank you for sharing these stories with us! I have noticed too that I must do a better job to keep my moods in check. It's okay to be irritated, but I don't need to make a bigger show out of it or stew in it. I think mindfulness is a great tool to help us realize that these are just thoughts that we get in our head and we don't have to attach them. Practicing letting go and striving to remain calm even under difficult circumstances is a huge help!

[waverider]

You are right it is never normal as most would see it. What you are aiming for is not to undergo an abnormal level of personal stress and insecurity. As you point out it takes an ability to not be tempted to be drawn into being right or wrong. Rather simply not getting drawn into things necessarily, especially if you dont even feel the temptation to.

Then when things do unavoidably go south you dont fear it, its just one of those things. "Normal" folks have conflicts, sulks and hissy fits, so we can expect them in a BPD relationship too, without being expected to always be on guard to stop all and every incidence.

Its not avoidance, its about not feeding the escalation. You cant put a lid on their emotions so a bit of a vent every now and then on their behalf is not always a bad thing.

A Dysfunctional normal is not the end of the world just as long as its not toxic

[Tattered Heart]

Great job! It's so important to celebrate the little victories. The more little victories you get the easier it gets next time. It's easy to fall into old patterns of JADEing and I know it took a lot for you to stop yourself from continuing it JADE. For me I've had to physically tell myself "Stop speaking" so I wouldn't continue on. When it works it's like a huge sigh of relief.

I'd like to encourage you to take things one step further next time. It sounds like you noticed he was getting frustrated with all of the inconveniences of the evening. What if you became proactive in this and validated before he got angry? How could you have stepped in, not to fix things for him, but to let him know that you see his frustration and let him talk about it a little? How do you think that would have gone?

[Chosen]

I'd like to encourage you to take things one step further next time. It sounds like you noticed he was getting frustrated with all of the inconveniences of the evening. What if you became proactive in this and validated before he got angry? How could you have stepped in, not to fix things for him, but to let him know that you see his frustration and let him talk about it a little? How do you think that would have gone?

Yeah I wondered whether it's because I haven't validated enough that he exploded either.
However, I have tried validating before I "took control", I kept on validating and trying to sooth him, but since the circumstances did not change and he wasn't able to just stop and let himself take a breather (I don't think he knows his own limits/ deliberate overwork his emotions so that he would have an excuse to let off steam), he kept on getting more irritated.  I didn't want to take the risk of him shouting at the kid and making things even worse, so I took charge.

Looking back, I probably shouldn't have took charge, because he felt invalidated.  But then if I didn't, things probably would have took a bad turn?  I know I can't prevent him shouting at the kid every time(I myself have done it on occasions when I just lose my patience), but my instinct is to protect her.

What do you suggest I do?