In the breakup phase...again.

[SurvivingBP17]

So it's been awhile since I was last on here.  I am so thankful that you guys are here.  The knowledge that I am not alone in all of this is always reassuring.  But alas, the reason I am back is because again I am on the edge of the cliff.

Some background... .
Married for 12 years.  After 9 years of a rocky marriage compounded by military life, several breakups and makeups, another of my alcoholic episodes resulted in her packing up the kids and moving form VA to MI.  Because I was military, I was unable to follow without serious repercussions to myself.  The event devastated me and was the launching point for my recovery from alcoholism. Haven't had a drink since the day before she left.  Communication ceased between us for nearly two months, and as far as she was concerned the marriage was over.  

After I got out of rehab we were able to regain our relationship for small periods of time. Sometimes it would be one week of being married and one month of being "divorced". I use the quotes because at no time did she ever file for divorce.  To her she didn't need a to go to court to divorce me.  At one point we were "divorced" for nearly a year.  :)uring that long stretch I somewhat had thrown in the towel and actually had a relationship with another woman. I think that of all the time we were divorced this relationship made her actually want me back.  Perhaps, that is why i did it.  I tell myself that I was actually trying to move on, but I didn't file for divorce either.  And, as things always go, I was able to convince her that we should be together, she decided that we could work things out, and we were married again.  At that point I had made it clear to her that i was going to prematurely end my career (four years before I could retire) and that I would move to back to MI to be the husband and father my family deserved.  I have to admit that prior to getting sober, I suffered from alcoholism and depression, and was unable to see the negative impact of my own dysfunctions. *Note* At this point in time, I was under the impression that everything is pretty much my fault. And that she is just a difficult woman.

Eventually I returned home and everything was supposed to be great. Here I am year later.  And while I am no where near the man/jerk I was years ago, I can not seem to keep her in the green zone.

So where does BPD fit into this soap opera? While in all the years of marriage I had always believed that my wife was just "crazy" or difficult, it wasn't until I discovered this site that I was able to see the illness that she had struggled with her entire life. (I googled "why does my wife hate me" and this site was in the results) I understand that I have contributed a great deal of anxiety into her psyche.  I constantly try to reassure her that the past is no indication of the future.  But time after time, she exhibits irrational behavior characteristic of BPD. If it were just myself, I would feel compelled to respect her wishes and end the marriage.

However, I have seen the cycle repeat itself over and over.  We break up, I disappear, my kids become the targets, she turns to substance abuse, infidelity, and self destructive behavior (non-suicidal).  The episodes of attacking everyone else before they can get to her double. I can see the look it my sons' eyes when he gets screamed at for some minor incidence when she feels that one of their actions is a direct attack on her. Not to mention the additional stress, on her.  It pains me to see the inner battle within her.  I know she wants to change. But the idea of having to admit her flaws is akin to the idea of cutting off several of her limbs. I know she loves us all, but it can be so difficult to bring her back in once she gets going.  Its like we all have to wait out the storm to get back into calm seas. Just today, my son came home upset because of something that happened at school.  She knelt down, and at nearly a yelling level told him how she needed to know what happened so that she could go "take care" of the problem.  I could see that her intent was good, but instead of encouraging him to tell her what was going on, you could see that he was now afraid that he had even brought up the issue, and afraid of what she was going to do. Two weeks ago, another of my sons broke up with his girlfriend and pretty much had a melt down.  He was very depressed and tried to isolate himself from everyone.  She demanded that he come talk to her and I joined the conversation.  Several times during the talk, she showed more passion about the impact his mood had on her, than dealing with the perceived trauma to him and his reaction to the breakup.  :)espite him telling her that the reason he doesn't talk to her is because she always makes it about her, she continued to bring the conversation back to how he was making her feel.  Whenever I talk to him about her, and how she makes him feel, he routinely tells me that it doesn't matter because he will be going off to college soon, and won't have to come back anymore.  

I know I spent a lot of time talking about me in this post.  I want to make sure, that it is clear that I am not the victim.  I have played an active role in hurting her in the past, and I am trying to make up for those things. I do my best to be what she needs, but understand why she has negative feelings for me.  I understand that despite my good behavior now, that my past behavior is still fresh in her mind.

My kids are the most important reason for why I stay though. I am from a broken family wrought with abuse.  My wife is from a dysfunctional family also wrought with abuse.  I feel that with some help, I may be able to stop the abuse in my family from effecting my kids and repeating the cycle.  I just don't know how to get it to a place where that is possible. I am trying to practice the methods on this site.  I deal with the abuse towards me.  I routinely fend off her demands for me to leave, because at this point it seems to be more about punishing me than anything.  But I know that accepting her demand will just but twisted into me abandoning her.   

As always anything you can say or suggest is welcome.  Until then I'll try to be strong.  I'll try not to retaliate when she is rude to me.  I'll try to show her that I am here for her like she needs me to be.  I'll try to protect my kids from her dysfunction. And hopefully, we can get to a point where we can get the help and counseling this family needs.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

It's actually good that your post focused a lot on yourself. As you know, you cannot control her, so looking at yourself and why you make the choices that you do is the only truly viable option.

It's good that you don't give in to her demands. That would teach her that it's acceptable for her to demand things. Also, it will show her that you are not strong and pwBPD need partners who are strong. She would not respect you if were just a doormat. Doormats are not attractive.

You mentioned not retaliating when she's being rude to you. That will serve you well. The first lesson in the sidebar to the right is something that you will probably want to read. It discusses surviving confrontation and disrespect. Learning to break the cycle and not take things personally is hard, but goes a long way to not reacting and making things worse. We have to stop making things worse before we can make them better after all.