falling out with children

[Qman]

My partner BPDgf now refuses to see my children: 14S and 20D. When we started our relationship, and didn't know about BPD, she was starting to develop a really lovely relationship with both my children and they were staying over at our apartment 1-2 days per week. But then we had an incident one evening when they came over for dinner - she was starting to get agitated, told me quite calmly and firmly that I had to leave, I didn't understand and refused to leave (I'd just finished cooking and we were about to eat), and of course everything blew up, ended with her swearing and shouting abuse at both children.

I've talked a lot with my children about it and they're OK. I now want to find how I can possibly re-introduce my children back into our relationship again - this absolutely has to happen sometime, as I can't continue a long-term relationship with her never seeing my children. The question is how and when.

As she explains it, she gets a knot in her stomach just thinking about meeting my children. She's recently started DBT and working on emotional regulation. We've been setting boundaries, and I have Fri night for dinner and Sat every week with my children (and she's been supportive of that and never pushed back against it). So that's going well. But at some point she has to be able to meet them again - I just don't think that I should push things too fast.

The questions I have in my head are: Am I JADEing? ("... .at least I have Fri night and Sat with them, so it's not that bad ... .". Am I being too weak with my boundaries and "enabling", or am I being supportive, when I don't want to push things too fast?

I figure that for now I need to stay absolutely definite about "well, you must meet them sometime. There's no way we continue a long-term relationship if you will never see my children", and then give some time for her and the DBT.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I don't think to justify to yourself that it's not so bad a situation as long as you can spend time with the kids as a start is JADING - that's more a term for a communication style that does not work well with BPD.

Yes, you need to reintroduce them, but it also sounds good to give it time for the DBT to have an effect, and to get the idea in her head firmly.  A lot of things I need to start introducing H to, slowly, so by the time he needs to do it, he's in a good place for it (or as good as it gets).

Sounds to me like you're on a good track.