What Have I Done?

[FootHills]

I fell in love with a woman, had a wonderful romance and then when she moved in with me she became a different person.  I have been miserable for years.  My therapist confirmed that she probably has BPD probably 2 years sgo.  I got her to see a therapist who confirmed that she has BPD traits.  When I looked it up she has all of them.  My therapist recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" years ago, but I only just listened to it within the last month or so. Now I am listening to it again.  Hearing the tag line "Welcome to OZ" really hits for me.  She lives in an entirely different universe with entirely different rules and goes bullistic if one of her rules is violated. She is angry most of the time and gets jealous even of my relationship with the dog.  I cried myself to sleep for about a year.  Now I am trying to learn how to cope.  I can't change her behavior/beliefs, but I can change how I respond.  She is not a bad person and she can be so abrasive so cutting all in the name of "protecting" herself becasue I say and do hurtful things - which she believes I do on purpose to hurt her.  So coming out of denial and slowly learning how to change how I interact so I don't feel so lonely, constantly judged and dismissed. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi FootHills,

Welcome to the family! There are many of us on this journey with you - you are not alone! It is quite something when we recognize that these troubling behaviors in our partners have some explanation behind them.

I think you are on the right track in working on your way of relating to this. There is no point to blaming the person with the BPD for the BPD. It just is what it is. Depersonalization can help a lot. Today my partner said some very mean/untrue things. I started to try to explain, but then realized in his state there was no point. You will hear that a lot around here - do not JADE! (justify, argue, defend, explain.) This alone helped to make today, well, more calm at least, if not the best day overall.

Keep posting, asking questions, sharing advice - it benefits us all!

wishing you peace!

[FootHills]

 Thank you pearlsw!  You're (JADE) is something I am definitely going to try to tattoo on the inside of my eyelids.  What a great and helpful acronym! Easier said than done, so I think I will remind myself by literally wearing jade this week.  I really appreciate the encouragement - more than I can say.

[virtualfriday]

My quick and short advise is to work on your flame proof suit, if we can somehow stop letting their BPD actions hurt or anger us we will be able to find better ways to manage and balance things out within our relationship. As soon as I ever get angry or take things personal I loose and the situation quickly escalates out of control every single time. If I stay calm and control my emotions I still may loose but the loses are definitely minimized.

[JoeBPD81]

Each tool has its value, some resonate instantly with us and our situation, others take time, or you need to read them in different places until you see how they apply to you. Working in one until it becomes natural to you,it pays.

- Don't JADE. Priceless. pearlsw ir right.

- Don't take it personal. It's not. I think that's what virtualfriday says. I'm working on that one. It's one of the tough ones.

You don't need to work on all the tools at the same time. They are like seeds that keep growing. I'm glad you're liking them.

[Frankee]

I agree with everyone.  I find depersonalizing is sometimes the hardest to do.  They can say mean things that can cut you to the bone if they know you well enough and know what to say to hurt you.  Also for future reference, the tips and tools you learn on here, may be hard to apply when your exhausted, sick, stressed out, feeling a nonstop attack.  I'm hard on myself when I see I am backsliding.  When I DO JADE, when I don't watch my "attitude", when I'm not stopping to process what's really going on, or not detaching. 

There will be times you feel like you have taken a giant step backwards or have fallen right on your face.  It's okay, it happens to everyone.  As long as you remember to have self compassion.  We all make mistakes and what we think we are doing right can sometimes end up feeling like it was completely wrong.  Be kind to yourself.  You are on a journey that isn't going to be easy.  The members on here can provide with extensive insight and suggestions that will help guide you.  Every since I found this forum, I feel so much better, like I'm gaining solid ground, like I'm not completely crazy, and I have applied many tips on here that have really helped me out in real life.

We wish you love and support in coming out of the FOG.