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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am about six months out of a relationship with a man with BPD.  It took a few months after the relationship to realize he was BPD (and I'm a therapist!).  I got involved with him soon after the end of a relationship with a man with NPD.  I'm struggling with a few things:

1.) Forgiving myself for abandoning myself - I knew these relationships were unhealthy, yet I stayed out of fear.
2.) Memories from these relationships keep popping up - I want them to stop!
3.) I went to couple's therapy with both of these men and feel that I was often made responsible for their behavior, rather than the therapists confronting the behavior. 

Can anyone relate?  Any feedback would be much appreciated.  Thank you!

[vwbug]

I am about six months out of a relationship with a man with BPD.  It took a few months after the relationship to realize he was BPD (and I'm a therapist!).  I got involved with him soon after the end of a relationship with a man with NPD.  I'm struggling with a few things:

1.) Forgiving myself for abandoning myself - I knew these relationships were unhealthy, yet I stayed out of fear.
2.) Memories from these relationships keep popping up - I want them to stop!
3.) I went to couple's therapy with both of these men and feel that I was often made responsible for their behavior, rather than the therapists confronting the behavior. 

Can anyone relate?  Any feedback would be much appreciated.  Thank you!

[Mutt]

Hi vwbug,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have found us  

1.) Forgiving myself for abandoning myself - I knew these relationships were unhealthy, yet I stayed out of fear.

I can relate with your statement. I stayed because I wanted to keep my family intact, I don’t know if you have kids or not but I was also dreading having to start all over again and i didn’t want to be alone.

I speak for myself when I say this. I found someone, we both really love each other but I found her or she found me after having gone through all of the experiences up to that point. My pwBPD showed me the areas that I need to pay attention to and by taking care of myself I attracted someone that loves me for me and is not looking for a rescuer.

I’m interested in reading your posts 

3.) I went to couple's therapy with both of these men and feel that I was often made responsible for their behavior, rather than the therapists confronting the behavior.

I share similar feelings. I was excited to go into MC so that we could get unstuck and move forward. MC is usually built around one person being right and the other one wrong. A owBPD are emotionally immature and blâme the world for their problems. A pwNPD have fragile egos and blameshift when they’re f’ounderimg.

Not to mention you have three people which is ripe for someone that’s dramatic and will cast themselves as victims. I can see how a T would rescue unknowingly and you would be cast as persecutor. But all triangulation is bad, some of it is good but when there’s too much presssure between two people sometimes a third person or situation is sought out.

Triangulation is  not always between two people, it could be having a baby because the r/s is in dire straits and we don’t know how to repair it so we introduce a third party to distract us from the main r/s. We could be avoiding our partners by working long hours so your work or workplace place would be one of three corners in a triangle.

That being said learning about BPD has shown me how to identify drama triangles that don’t resolve problems they just keep the cycle of blame going. The best way to get out of a triangle or not to fall into one is to move yourself in the middle - don’t take anyone’s side  

[vwbug]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond!  I don't have kids but desperately want them and my pwBPD promised me the family I'd always dreamed of - that's one of the reasons I stayed.   I'm struggling with letting go.  The balance between making sense of it and just moving on. Although I suppose if I could just move on I would have. :/

[Mutt]

Although I suppose if I could just move on I would have. :/

Haha it’s not that straightforward right? You’re six months out. Do you talk to each other today? Can you walk us through the break-up? What happened? Who broke up with who?

[unicorn2014]

I can relate. I ended a relationship with a man with BPD/NPD traits over 2 years ago and then last month he moved to my county to rekindle the relationship even though I made it clear to him that I didn't want to resume the relationship. I tried being friends with him as he moved into the area my church was in and started attending services but he blew that up a week ago. I was on the verge of filing a restraining order against him when he disappeared. Nobody knows where he is, and people have started asking me about him. A friend of mine instructed me to tell them that I broke up with him over 2 years ago and I do not know. In situations like these not even clergy may be educated on how to handle people like this.

I can relate to the memories thing. We had a great relationship when I believed in his lies but as soon as I found out the truth things went downhill fast. He kept trying to get me back on board with his lies but when I refused to participate he left.

Even though I wanted him to leave me alone the fact that he finally went no contact as if I was the one who was the problem has really challenged me. He was stalking and harassing me and then he just disappeared. Instead of feeling grateful that he's gone I feel angry that he did that. I wish he would've just listened to me and given me space instead of taken such a dramatic action.

Welcome to the website.

[vwbug]

He broke up with me and I ceased all contact, so there has been no contact for six months.  He blamed me for the end of the relationship, and the problems throughout the relationship.  I was never capable of meeting his needs.  He would ask for something, I would give it, he would grow angry it wasn't enough.  I think he was truly incapable of seeing/integrating love toward him.  I remember one night wanting to chill out on facebook for a few minutes, and I knew I had to find some way to run it past him or he would grow upset at the lack of connection (that should have been a warning right?).  So I said, hey, are you feeling like we've had some connection tonight, because if so, I'd like to spend some time on my computer.  He said yes, I feel like we've connected.  Ten minutes later there were tears and accusations that I didn't want to connect with him and was denying him affection.  That happened often actually.  I can recall one time when we were cuddling, he pulled away, I said, do you want to cuddle?  He didn't respond.  Minutes later, tears and blaming that I'm not physically affectionate.  Wow - I really digressed there - sorry.

When he broke up with me he began by saying, "I don't want to take your inventory, so I'll just say I gave all my power to you early on."  Which, frankly, was a true statement, but still allowed him to make me the problem. I asked him to leave the house that night, which angered him.  He sent me a good night text which I ignored.  The next morning he sent me an email in which he stated one of the reasons he broke up with me was because of my history of trauma (there's way more to that story, suffice to say it was blaming, hurtful, and ___ty).  After I received that email I asked him to limit his communication with me to logistical related matters.  Which he mostly honored.  I'm sure to this day he would tell people that I was withholding and cold and he would really believe that's true. 

Anyhow, following the break up there was a significant period of relief that I had peace in my life again.  Then a horrible, horrible depression.  My depression is much better now that I'm back on meds (I'd gone off meds because there was hope of a pregnancy).  Now I just feel like these memories are ever present, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself, and feeling some anger at therapists who enable his behavior and blamed me for it.  During one session in which my ex was extremely activated by something he projected onto a statement I made I was told I needed to apologize, which I was fine with and did. And was then like, okay, what about his extremely dysregulated and scary response to my remark?  To which she said, "Some people just get really upset."  So the message was basically, watch what you say, and his freakouts are okay.

[vwbug]

Even though I wanted him to leave me alone the fact that he finally went no contact as if I was the one who was the problem has really challenged me. He was stalking and harassing me and then he just disappeared. Instead of feeling grateful that he's gone I feel angry that he did that. I wish he would've just listened to me and given me space instead of taken such a dramatic action.

Welcome to the website.
[/quote]

Thank you!  I was stalked by my NPD ex, he mostly hacked my computer and on line accounts.  Thankfully the most recent BPD ex hasn't done that.  Interestingly, my BPD ex 'saved' me a bit from the NPD ex, the breakup was fresh when we met, I was still concerned about stalking.  He replaced the locks in my house and everything. 

I can see how it would be hard to not be heard by your ex.  I'm sorry for that. 

[unicorn2014]

My ex husband never stalked me, he was only interested in our daughter, and even that was a lie. My ex boyfriend on the other hand even befriended my coworkers in an attempt to get to me. He never had keys to my apartment though, we never lived together.
While I'm not a therapist, my DBT teachers said I could teach DBT, and my therapist said I could be a doctor, so I understand.
I'm having a really hard time accepting the fact that he went from stalking and harassing me to skipping town and effectively making me look like the fool.
I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like now, what a normal man looks like. I can so relate with the needing to connect. He did that too. He put his need to connect over my  need to be alone even though he knew I was introverted. It was all about his needing to connect even though he had a wife and friends to connect with. I still resent the fact that he made the relationship all about his need to connect. It was the ultimate violation.

[vwbug]

 He put his need to connect over my  need to be alone even though he knew I was introverted. It was all about his needing to connect even though he had a wife and friends to connect with. I still resent the fact that he made the relationship all about his need to connect. It was the ultimate violation.
[/quote]

Yes!  I was hounded constantly for connection and what I gave was never ever enough. 

[unicorn2014]

He put his need to connect over my  need to be alone even though he knew I was introverted. It was all about his needing to connect even though he had a wife and friends to connect with. I still resent the fact that he made the relationship all about his need to connect. It was the ultimate violation.


Yes!  I was hounded constantly for connection and what I gave was never ever enough. 

So what do you think that connection with us  was all about?

I think it was projection, like he imagined a connection to me therefore it existed. From the very beginning our relationship was defined by his confiding totally inappropriate and maybe even untrue stuff in me like the sexual abuse from his childhood. I'm sorry, but why do I care? He told me that within one month of corresponding with me online, before we even met, and when I asked him why he did that he told me he felt I should know. Excuse me? I later told him he should've asked my permission to disclose to me and even then he prided himself on having such an extreme story that not even therapists could handle it.

To be fair in the beginning I did feel connected to him because I believed he was divorcing his wife for me and even though he did finally file over 5 years later by then it was too late. I will never feel emotionally connected to him again after everything he put me through.

Mine would use BDSM as a way to feel connected to me and when I finally rejected that because he was too unhealthy for me he blamed me and said it was my perversion even though he was the one who told me that tying me up made him feel connected to me. I knew that BDSM allowed him to have a relationship with me while he was married, he could collar me and feel connected to me even though he was married to someone else and when I finally pulled the plug on that he blamed me and said I messed it up.

 Even in his last emails to me he talked about the connection he felt to me, but it was one sided. For the whole duration of our relationship he was married to another woman and lying to me about divorcing her. He didn't file until last month and by then it was two years too late.

[vwbug]

So what do you think that connection with us  was all about?

My exBPD was terribly traumatized as a child.  I think he honestly could not internalize connection, so even when it was happening he could not be open to it.  I don't think it was intentional, I think it was neurological.  I think he really believed he was being rejected and abandoned and that made him desperate for connection.  Of course, he chose to not confront himself in therapy and ultimately blame me.  But I think it's that simple.  He truly believed he was being denied connection and therefore felt entitled to demand it.

[unicorn2014]

Sounds like a reasonable enough explanation . It’s good to know I’m not the only person who  experienced this. The ironic thing is he knew I was introverted claimed to be introverted and yet I almost had to file a restraining order on him in the end becaUse he was harassing and stalking me and then he was gone without a trace. His last emails to Me did have a suicidal air to them but that’s his choice to suggest that. He’s not well.

[Mutt]

Hi vwbug,

The next morning he sent me an email in which he stated one of the reasons he broke up with me was because of my history of trauma (there's way more to that story, suffice to say it was blaming, hurtful, and please readty).

I’m sorry to hear that. The reason that he gave you is pretty lame. You were walking on eggshells because he was feeling emotionally dysregulated. He didn’t take onus for his behaviours then blame shifted.

It’s been a difficult 6 months for you, it would of been worse still being in a r/s with him. Some people stay in the r/s for years and years.

To which she said, "Some people just get really upset."  So the message was basically, watch what you say, and his freakouts are okay.

I don’t agree with the T taking sides, I’d feel invalidated with what the T said to you, so I can understand the angry feelings.

I have depression and anxiety, I can relate with difficult it can be for you to function. I can also understand how the disorder drives the actions of a pwBPD.

That being said, a person suffering a short / long term mental illness or from personality disorder still have a responsibility to take care of themselves and one way of doing that is to get treatment for the disorder. I think the statement is half true, but he’s still responsible for how he behaves and your not responsible for someone else’s feelings.