Introducing myself and seeking guidance

[okeydoke]

Hey everyone. My psychiatrist only tipped me off that my partner shows BPD traits about a week ago, so I'm still getting my sea legs. I just finished "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and recognize pretty much every characteristic of a "high-functioning" BPD in her: ceaseless criticism, blaming me for things I had no control over or little responsibility for, fear of abandonment and the intimacy/rejection dance, revising memories to erase her own fault, and sometimes verbal abuse. I'm simultaneously glad to have a starting point for understanding, exhausted from months of raw feelings and cycles of conflict, and daunted by the need to develop the emotional strength to weather the storms for both of us.

We've been together for a year and a half, living together for six months. We're in a heterosexual open relationship (she does not do monogamous relationships) and have no children. We're both in therapy, although she's never been diagnosed with BPD and I haven't brought it up with her. After I told her I thought some of her actions were verbally abusive, she came back from her therapist saying her therapist didn't think she was verbally abusive, but thought that some of my actions might be the result of "narcissistic rage." In short, I'm afraid that asking her to talk to her therapist about BPD would only make things worse.

At the moment we're fighting to reestablish some kind of emotional equilibrium and end the current cycle of conflict. It's exhausting -- everything is a trigger. I've gotten a lot better about avoiding angry or defensive responses to accusations, but often even telling her we share responsibility for a past argument is a bridge too far. Setting limits and speaking up for my own needs when we're talking about future plans sends her spiraling. I feel like no matter how careful my response, she'll withdraw from the conversation if I don't accept all blame and submit to her priorities. I know that's not true, that there's progress to be made, but I really don't know how to let the open wounds start to heal while we move forward.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi okeydoke,



Welcome to the community. I'm glad you reached out for support. You are definitely not alone. Members here understand, and you'll find tons of tools that can help. It sounds like you are trying your best to communicate in a way that doesn't trigger your partner's symptoms. We have a lot of resources on the site that you may want to check out. The "Basic Tools" section on the right sidebar is an excellent place to peruse when you can ----------->

Broaching the possibility that your partner has BPD might not go down very well. There are reasons for this, for example, it might be too much to cope with. We have a great article about the subject here: Anosognosia and Getting a Person with BPD into Therapy.

She is getting support from a therapist, and so are you. That is already a step in a helpful direction. What other support do you have, okeydoke? Are friends and family there for you? Are you taking good care of yourself? It's important in these kinds of relationships, as they can be emotionally draining.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[okeydoke]

Thanks for the kind welcome, heartandwhole. (Sorry for the slow response, got called out of the country for work on a day's notice!) And thank you for the resources you shared. It looks like there's plenty to dig through on this site on top of the books I'm reading.

I'm sure you're right that bringing up BPD would not go over well. I certainly wasn't receptive to her therapist's speculations about my own mental state. For now I'm going to try to focus on setting limits, taking care of myself, and communicating effectively & nondefensively.

To answer your question I've slipped a bit in self-care. I was working out regularly, eating well, and feeling really good for several months. But then, you won't be surprised to hear, my partner started complaining about the time I was spending at the gym, how I was going to bed so much earlier, and that we were having sex less frequently. (She's a night owl and rarely goes to bed before 1 or 2.) I also have enough issues with alcohol that I'm seriously considering quitting for good. Among other things, it's a convenient strawman for my partner when I raise issues with her behavior.

I haven't shared with anyone yet the full extent of what I believe the issue is. Partly because I'm still learning, partly because I'm not sure how to explain it, and partly because I need to be careful who I share it with. My partner's very private and if she found out I'd confided to someone that I think she has BPD, I worry about the consequences (nor do I want my friends to judge her for mental illness).

The thing I'm struggling with most is the loneliness of being emotionally isolated by her. I've made progress recently in communicating better and tripping fewer triggers, but when I've tried to build on that by being more affectionate or communicative, she recedes. This week while I've been away she's barely responded to any of my texts. When I called her she was just suspicious something was wrong. I know that it's probably her fear of abandonment at work, but it feels awful.

[OptimismRules]

You seem like me in that you are new to this topic.  Reading Eggshells was probably helpful but I would also recommend strongly both of theses books:  "When Hope is Not Enough ... .ebook only, online $4.99) by a laymen with years of experience as a BdP's partner (wife and I think a daughter too were BPD's ) and some pretty good tools to use to defuse anger and validate the BPD.  "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by a psychologist (Manning) with extensive experience treating BPD's should also be very helpful to you.  They will help you both understand what you are dealing with and why and give you tools to help make it better.  They will also give you advice on how to take care of yourself in the process so you are have a chance of making things better. One thing you will probably learn... .the more you read the more your world will make sense.  The more you will understand things.  That helps, I think.

[okeydoke]

Yes, I'm very new. And you're right, just reading Eggshells made me feel like I was finally beginning to understand reality. I'll look at those other books too if you found them helpful, thank you.