Conquering the fear and anxiety

[MarinaRae]

Hi all. My issue du jour is dealing with the fear and anxiety of upcoming contact with my NPD daughter-in-law. My backstory is in a lengthy previous post, but I started a new one just for this particular issue. I'll try to keep it brief.

In a nutshell, I have a volatile relationship with her and it has affected many aspects of my life for nearly a decade. I hate to admit, it but I will. I'm afraid of her and what she's capable up. She is a covert narcissist and I am her favorite target. I never know what to expect and the not-knowing sometimes leads to extreme anxiety. I get the feeling she's very aware of her effect.

I am traditionally a conflict-avoider but this has become impossible with her in our family. She thrives on it and you never know when something is going to come up and trip you up. I still try to be as calm as possible but she will drag you into something with great skill. I am currently watching my granddaughter a couple times a week and must drive to their house. Every time I am scheduled to do this I spend (mostly) a sleepless night worrying, then nearly an hour drive filled with anxiety just because I know I will have to interact with her for a brief period before she leaves for work. Once she leaves and I'm alone with the baby, I'm perfectly fine. It's just the anticipation of the initial contact, and what may or may not happen, that is causing me such stress.

In the past I have tried deep breathing and repeated "gray rock, gray rock" and "do NOT engage"  in my head like a dozen times beforehand. It sort of helps. Maybe. I just want to figure out how to NOT feel such anxiety because this babysitting gig has just started and will likely go on for a long time. 

[Struggles]

Hi Marina,

I really am not sure about conquering the anxiety, as this is something I would also love to do. 

Even before the most recent rage fit of my BPD MIL, anxiety would always plague me, because like your DIL, you never knew what she would say or do. 

Since this last horrible incident, I have been more anxious than I've ever been, actually felt like I could have a heart attack in some of the cases.  I think as time goes on, hopefully we can learn to deal with the anxieties better, or atleast hopefully it not be as bad.  I think for me what helps some is having a plan for certain situations.  Playing out certain scenarios in my mind and thinking about how to handle the situation.  This way I don't feel as caught off guard if I've already thought about it. 

Keeping your in my thoughts and praying for a peaceful contact. 

[Notwendy]

Marina, IMHO I don't think our feelings are something to conquer, or not feel. They are actually a guide to what is good for us and what is not, and paying attention to what they are saying to us can help us.

It would make sense to feel anxious about going into an unsafe situation. We'd all feel anxious about walking into a lion cage. This doesn't have to be physical danger- emotionally abusive people feel unsafe to us. It is this signal that protects us.

You are in a tough place. Your DIL controls your contact with two people you love dearly. In my situation it was my BPD mother and my father. I loved my father ( he is deceased) but am not attached to my mother emotionally. She controlled my father's relationship with me. I was afraid to upset her or else lose his approval.

Sometimes even the sound of her voice can elicit anxiety in me. I can manage visiting her where she lives, because I know I can leave. Recently-there was a family event closer to me. I wanted to enjoy it, but knowing she was coming made me anxious- anxious because she was then in control of when she arrived and when she left.

I realized it is not my anxiety that is the problem. It is my anxiety telling me this person is an unsafe person to be around.

I have been able to emotionally "diasarm"  her somewhat by working on my own emotional triggers. My mother is also a skilled manipulator. Paying attention to my own anxiety helps me to stay in tune with myself when I am around her.

I think it helps to keep focus- you are there for your grandbaby and what a blessing to spend time with her. She didn't choose her mother. I am grateful for the love and care my father's family showed me. It was a great gift to me to have adults who love and cared for me in an emotionally healthy manner.

Self care is important though- as much as you can. If I stood up for myself, the collateral was losing connection with my father. Being around them was emotionally stressful. I could only be there in limited times.

You think she has all the cards, but a free and available babysitter is a pretty big one. If it gets to be too much for you, you may need to cut back. She may threaten but she may also need you. It's a big risk to do this though- you need to be prepared for her reaction.

Are you in therapy?  I think support can help.

Also in the long run, babies and little kids are adorable but they grow up into teenagers. My mother didn't like it when school was out and sent us to stay with my father's family during school breaks. My father's mother had to be a saint to have all of us and our teenage cousins over!  So they may threaten now, but they may also decide having you as a sitter is a good thing for them.  

[Pilpel]

The last time I confronted my SIL I had to get on a very low dose of antidepressants for a couple of months just to get through it.  Short term, it would have been easier to just swallow my pride, not say anything, and go on as usual.  Following up to meeting with her I started to have panic attacks and had trouble sleeping.  Meeting with her really was scary... .she went into a rage.  

I have to say, as intimidating as she can be in the moment.  When I look back on situations where we walked on eggshells around her, the situations are just ridiculous.  It's like being afraid of and allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated by a child.

She is a covert narcissist and I am her favorite target. I never know what to expect and the not-knowing sometimes leads to extreme anxiety. I get the feeling she's very aware of her effect.

If you suspect that your DIL knows the effect she has on you, you're probably right.  I think in general terms, my NPD SIL wants to do good in the world.  But when she bullies and rages she seems to feel justified about it.  She once talked about remembering the first time she raged when she younger and that it gave her a good feeling.  That's always stuck with me.  I used to imagine that when she raged, that she must feel as awful as she was making everyone else feel.  But now I wonder if she's actually getting a sense of pleasure from from causing others to fear and react to her.  It gives her narcissistic supply.

From what you write, I can see that you really love your grandchild and it's important to you to develop a relationship and be a presence in your grandchild's life.  But having to deal with your DIL comes at a high emotional cost.  I don't blame you for quitting therapy, since your therapist didn't seem to have a lot of information about personality disorders.  I've never gone to a therapist myself.  But there is a lot of great information out there --books, websites, podcasts.  For me, even when I learned information and got advice from people on this forum, it still took me a long time to really understand the dynamics or to figure out my boundaries.  So give yourself some time.  Take care of yourself.  If you're feeling very anxious right now, it's okay to physically back off from your son's family for awhile. It's not going to damage your relationship with your grandchild if you're not there all the time.