Mom Drama, New Baby, and the Death of our R/S

[Ellemno]

So after my r/s with uxpwBPD, I feel good about moving forward pregnant on my own. I like knowing what I can trust and rely on, and though this will be hard, I have support from friends and chosen family and the mental knowledge that at least I won't have to deal with barbs/drama from a partner.

I have been no contact with my mom, however, for about 4 years--she was diagnosed as BPD by one therapist and suggested by two of mine as the same. That's bc we had a talk about what I need to feel ok (my boundaries) in r/s with her, and she instead decided she would rather not. I said when you're ready to meet these, let me know. It's been four years of her messing and texting me to convince me or guilt me or push me into letting things go (for awhile, until I blocked it), calling/FBing/emailing my childhood friends (and posting on FB) to smear me bc I'm so mean that I won't talk to her, and that my discussions of childhood abuse are fallacies I created bc I am a pathological liar. (I blocked her from FB years ago, but sometimes hear from flying monkeys when she's at this again.)

Now, she's found out about the pregnancy and baby shower details (inevitable, and almost a relief!), and has starting back up with pushing others to see what they know, and re-activating the smear/her as victim of my meanness. I did reach out to her to say that if she's ready to try a new r/s with me as previously described, she can email. I asked that if she didn't want to, that's ok, but then she will remain unwelcome to the shower and contact, and to please then leave others/FB out of it. A week later, no contact for me, but now she's repeatedly calling the organizer to "find out more" about the shower. So, she's likely planning to just show up (she has a history of doing that to events, along with her NPD/biplarH who usually starts a screaming match or fist fight). I've got a law enforcement pal coming just in case, but things I also feel now are:

I radically accept that she will do what she does.
I know I can only control myself.
I am in charge of my happiness, and will trust that others can handle anything that happens.
She will likely push in other ways between now and then.

Also, there's a small amount of sadness and of relief that even with a new baby, she will never want to meet me where we can have a r/s. Our r/s really is dead.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ellemno! 

You have gone through a lot recently, and pregnancy is not always easy. Congratulations on the coming baby!     There are a lot of extra emotions, and hopefully that will help you to keep those boundaries in place that you've been working so hard on.

I know there are others here who have been sure to invite someone who will be able to occupy and distract the pwBPD should they come to important events like weddings and baby showers. Do you think that is an option for you? It is always easiest to deal with things in whatever positive ways you can, and it sounds as if you are prepared just in case things go South.

Do you feel that those friends and aquaintances who are planning to be at the shower will validate you? Are they aware of who your mom is? Most of all I am so glad that you are doing all you can to be safe, not only physically but also emotionally. 

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the new baby. Take care of yourself and that little one.

I am my BPD mother's "black child". I don't think we ever had a typical mother-child bond. I am in contact with her.

When I became a mother, my parents naturally wanted to see their grandchildren. My father was a wonderful grandpa and bonded with my kids. My parents visited together and my mother behaved well on these visits.

My father passed away after a long illness and during this time my mother painted me black. Yet somehow she assumed she could have a relationship with my kids without me. She had painted me black to my father and her FOO and assumed she could do that with my kids as well. However, she soon realized that wasn't going to work.

I understand that she wants a relationship with her grandchildren- all of her friends who are grandparents do. I guess she realizes that also has to include a relationship with me of some sorts. I would say our relationship is cordial, not close or affectionate.

There is some grief to accepting this - but some of this grief is that the relationship we wanted with our BPD mothers may not have ever been that. As children, we only knew the mothers we have and assumed that was how things were. Yet as adults, we see other mothers and daughters and see how different that relationship is. So, my relationship with my mother isn't really different now- I just see it as it is. I also don't take it personally. She has a disorder which affects her relationships with people.

It's absurd to think one can have a relationship with a child and not with the child's parents. However, don't think your mother realizes this. I think my mother thought she could do that. My mother often speaks of HER grandchildren. Fortunately I have a mother -child bond with my children and this is stronger than any bond they could have with her.

Although it feels sad to not have the relationship you wish for with your mother at this time, great joy for you is about to happen. A new baby is a chance to have this wonderful mother-child bond:  your child with you.

[Ellemno]

Thanks WoolSpinner and Notwendy. You've both given me good things to think about.

I found resonance in what you said. First, I realize that my mom too seems to have some notion that she can connect to my kiddo without me. Second, you hit the nail on the head--for me too, my r/s with my mom (and the way she interacts with me and others) is the same as it always was--the thing that's different is ME. She did email me. It was largely (90%) about her, how its my doing that we don't talk, and lots of rationalizations about her past behaviors, with one line that she "regrets" stress caused by things she "did and didn't do". It feels disingenuous and manipulative, and ignores many things I've directly asked about. Logically, that's what she always does. Advice please: What do you do when you specifically ask about X and they're ignored? Rationally, I think I let it go, but what BPD tools or advice can you share?

Normally, for the past few years I haven't taken her moves personally, rather seeing them as her patterns of communication and self-soothing as a pwBPD. I suppose that recently, as others have chimed back in and I move toward a new frontier, some other feelings emerged.

WoolSpinner: I like your idea to invite someone who will be able to occupy and distract should she show. I am thinking about your positive option, though right now frankly I'd rather her be asked to leave. I think there will be at least some people that can validate me and "see" my mom, though a few others won't. I can handle that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Remember Ellemno, that this baby shower is about you and your baby.    In the end it's not about her at all.

When my D got married, my uBPDm did her best to make it all about her because she didn't want to see certain people, don't know if she wanted to come, etc. I was overwhelmed by how much I had to deal with her when it wasn't her wedding at all! I had a good friend who kept reminding me over and over, "It's not about your mom." That did help, but she certainly did take as much of my emotional energy as I would give her. It's frustrating that they can make themselves the center of attention though.

 
Wools

[Ellemno]

Good point. After sitting with this for a bit, I realize that I actually don't want to put in the work that it would take to engage with her. Even in the few email exchanges so far, the minimizing, blame shifting, focus on her, and intensity are a reminder of what I'd be dealing with; though I'm not really taking it personally, if I'm honest, I just don't see the payoff for me to walk back into this. Maybe that will change, but for now, I'm going back to NC.