New here: Realizing that both of my adoptive parents had BPD

[CMD1969]

Hello everyone,

I feel relieved that I am here.  I am 48 years old, was adopted at 2 years old by two people that I always knew should never have been able to adopt me.  They were both emotionally broken in many, many ways. It is only recently that I have come to realize that my father had (he has died) and my mother had BPD.  This has explained so much of my own childhood but it also is unique in many ways: when 2 parents with BPD have each other, they have little time for their children.  My brother and I were neglected by them because they were so wrapped up in their own drama.

All of what I am about to convey comes from things I have heard over the years from people and listening to stories from family. My parents met as a fling (read: sexual hookup) that they convinced themselves was something more. They had short friendships that never lasted long, which always confused me. We would become friendly with this family for a few months and then *poof*, we would stop seeing them.  Now understanding BPD, I know what it was but as a chid, I was so confused.

My dad was an alcoholic who would fly off the handle for the smallest reason. He could not handle any conflict and didn't like being challenged at all.  He was the one that we walked on eggshells with. I never knew his parents but he would confide in me about the damage they did to him. In fact, both of my parents inappropriately told me things about their painful pasts. My parents knew no boundaries in any ways.

My mother grew up in a family that was extremely broken. Her birth mother died in childbirth and my grandfather regularly told my mother that "a good woman died because of the likes of you." My grandfather and his family, I believe, have BPD in their family genetic makeup because they are extremely volatile and suspicious and the tendencies of BPD just run throughout it. My mother was terribly abused, both physically and emotionally.

She has always been very critical, projecting how she sees herself on to me. She sees people as only bad and only finds fault. Luckily, I was in college when my dad died so I have never had to be her emotional outlet. She had "dated" married men but would not tell me because she does that good/bad dichotomy. When I left home, she began to act cruelly as a result because I would no longer respond to her.   I remember a time she tried to get my friends to make fun of me with her. Her behavior ratchets up until she realizes that I will leave.

The idea of me is wonderful to her. When she discusses first seeing me in the orphanage, she describes a light from God shining on my face. People all state that it is as if I am not there when she tells the story.  I tell them that is because I am not, it is not real.

My brothers sadly died 25 years ago. His birth mother was bipolar and he needed a stable family, which my parents did not give.  Luckily, I had good genes.  I have actually been quite successful in my life. I am now facing the deepest lies that my mother told me (the projection--"you're not good enough, you're to blame for everything." Understanding that they both had BPD is healing for me because I now know why certain things happened... .

Thank you so much for reading.

[Turkish]

Hi CMD1969,

I was adopted at 2.4 by my mother and can relate to many of your observations.  I first became aware of what I learned decades later was "splitting" in 4th grade being 8. A family my mother moved in with us we had become close with.  Then one day,  seemingly overnight,  the father and two kids were moving out,  with yelling and accusations.  Over the years (30+), I observed this again and again,  thankfully from a distance. 

I'm sorry about your brother.  Hanging around other adoptive families as a kid,  I saw a lot of dysfunction.  Correction: my young mind didn't see it,  my mother over shared with me. 

I was a single parent adoption.  My mother didn't marry until I was 27 and never had boyfriends. In later years,  she used to talk of adopting.  I knew I'd report her,  but she was so lost in her hoarding delusion,  that a home inspection would have shut that down quickly.  I humored her.  If CPS had caught up to us 6 months before they did when I was 13, she may have gone to jail,  or at the very least I would have ended up back in foster care. 

I never had a father (my mother destroyed my memory of the one man who was closest to being a father figure,  the one she married, by telling me things about his past). I can only imagine how it was with two BPD parents. 

Despite being successful, as am I (both despite and because of my mom if I step back to look from 30,000 ft), how do you still struggle with the lies projected onto you?

I remember my mother last saying "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" When I was 14. I remember thinking "you and me both lady!" But I kept that inside,  not wanting to be smacked around worse, or things thrown at me. 

Turkish

[CMD1969]

Turkish,

How haven’t I struggled is the question! LOL

Being raised with two parents with BPD, I had no clue what boundaries were for years. One of the reasons my brother is dead is due to his need for much more structure and support, given his birth family and their mental illness. He became a criminal at the age of 6. I struggled with boundaries but I’m so thankful that I never hurt anyone. Whenever I would overstep or think about it, I had this inner voice that knew it was wrong.

I had to emotionally detach and move away to become successful. I think I probably did some compartmentalizing too. I kept them on a shelf in my mind. I also learned to numb myself. I’m now finally feeling the anger.

I’ve also had lots of therapy. I’m now dealing with the core stuff, which is how I realized they both had BPD. I was fired from my job because my boss played mind games with me and I couldn’t fight back because she triggered the blame stuff in me. You know, everything is my fault. Deep down inside, I’m no good. People who blur boundaries can trigger that purple place (my term for that place my mom created) in me. It gets activated when people shame me. So that’s what I still deal with.

My dad’s stuff is dealt with because 1) he died 30 years ago and 2) his was external rage. I found that easier to deal with.
I’m now learning about BPD. Are there any books you recommend that can help  me learn about the residue and the traits I might have learned? I’d be most appreciative.

Hi CMD1969,

I was adopted at 2.4 by my mother and can relate to many of your observations.  I first became aware of what I learned decades later was "splitting" in 4th grade being 8. A family my mother moved in with us we had become close with.  Then one day,  seemingly overnight,  the father and two kids were moving out,  with yelling and accusations.  Over the years (30+), I observed this again and again,  thankfully from a distance. 

I'm sorry about your brother.  Hanging around other adoptive families as a kid,  I saw a lot of dysfunction.  Correction: my young mind didn't see it,  my mother over shared with me. 

I was a single parent adoption.  My mother didn't marry until I was 27 and never had boyfriends. In later years,  she used to talk of adopting.  I knew I'd report her,  but she was so lost in her hoarding delusion,  that a home inspection would have shut that down quickly.  I humored her.  If CPS had caught up to us 6 months before they did when I was 13, she may have gone to jail,  or at the very least I would have ended up back in foster care. 

I never had a father (my mother destroyed my memory of the one man who was closest to being a father figure,  the one she married, by telling me things about his past). I can only imagine how it was with two BPD parents. 

Despite being successful, as am I (both despite and because of my mom if I step back to look from 30,000 ft), how do you still struggle with the lies projected onto you?

I remember my mother last saying "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" When I was 14. I remember thinking "you and me both lady!" But I kept that inside,  not wanting to be smacked around worse, or things thrown at me. 

Turkish

[CMD1969]

Hello everyone,

It took me decades to get here.  I am a 48 year old man who was was adopted at 2 years old by two people that I always knew should never have been able to adopt me.  They were both emotionally broken in many, many ways. It is only recently that I have come to realize that my father had (he has died) and my mother has BPD.  This has explained so much of my own childhood: when 2 parents with BPD have each other, they have little time for their children.  My brother and I were neglected by them because they were so wrapped up in their own drama.

All of what I am about to convey comes from things I have heard over the years from people and listening to stories from family. My parents met as a fling that they convinced themselves was something more. They had short friendships that never lasted long, which always confused me. We would become friendly with this family for a few months and then *poof*, we would stop seeing them.  Now understanding BPD, I know what it was but as a chid, I was so confused.

My dad was an alcoholic who would fly off the handle for the smallest reason. He could not handle any conflict and didn't like being challenged at all.  He went from job to job and family would often have to pay our bills for us. He was the one that we walked on eggshells with. I never knew his parents but he would confide in me about the damage they did to him. In fact, both of my parents inappropriately told me things about their painful pasts. My parents knew no boundaries in any ways. We never closed doors in our family and people would simply be allowed to enter spaces without any idea that you had a right to say "no."

My brother and I were made fun of in elementary school because we were the odd kids who didn't know how to act around other people. I would stick my hands down my pants when my stuff was itching because no one was there to tell me any better. My brother did similar inappropriate things. I eventually learned how to be quiet and watch people for normal behavior. My brother, having been born to a birth mother with bipolar disorder, became a criminal at the age of 6 and eventually killed himself in jail at the age of 20 after sexually assaulting someone. The fact that he was raised with no boundaries became lethal for him.

My mother grew up in a family that was extremely broken. Her birth mother died in childbirth and my grandfather regularly told my mother that "a good woman died because of the likes of you." My grandfather and his family, I believe, have BPD in their family genetic makeup because they are extremely volatile and suspicious and the tendencies of BPD just run throughout it. My mother was terribly abused, both physically and emotionally.

She has always been very critical, projecting how she sees herself on to me. She sees people as only bad and only finds fault. Luckily, I was in college when my dad died so I have never had to be her emotional outlet. She had "dated" married men but would not tell me because she does that good/bad dichotomy. When I left home, she began to act cruelly as a result because I would no longer respond to her.   I remember a time she tried to get my friends to make fun of me with her. Her behavior ratchets up until she realizes that I will leave.

The idea of me is wonderful to her. When she discusses first seeing me in the orphanage, she describes a light from God shining on my face. People all state that it is as if I am not there when she tells the story.  I tell them that is because I am not, it is not real.

Luckily, I had good genes.  I have actually been quite successful in my life. I was able to slowly face the demons but never quite knew where it all came from but now knowing that it is BPD helps. I am now facing the deepest lies that my mother told me (the projection--"you're not good enough, you're to blame for everything." Understanding that they both had BPD is healing for me because I now know why certain things happened. This has been a difficult journey for me.  I have a relationship with my mother.  About 20-25 years ago, her narrative about me changed in her mind and she decided to become loving. She now ends her calls with me saying she loves me "body, mind, spirit, and soul." It is our way now that she says half, I say half. I now get why that occurred too. So much makes sense.

Can any of you suggest books for me to begin the journey to understand the ways that being raised by BPD parents has impacted me?  I am going through this last piece of the healing because I left a job due to being triggered by a supervisor who played mind games similar to my mother. Unfortunately, I played right into for much too long. I accepted blame, even though I knew I wasn't at fault. However, I felt as if I could not fight back, just like my mother. When I did fight back, it was in a childish manner, which was not helpful at all. Had I been able to notice the unhealthy dynamic in the beginning, I might have been able to avoid this. Thus, knowing about how I have been affected is important.

Thank you for reading this and thank you for welcoming me home.

Thank you so much for reading.

[Turkish]

Understanding The Borderline Mother I found enlightening,  even if I found it a bit dark: Understanding the Borderline Mother

The discussion is here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I haven't read any of the other ones geared towards parents,  other than two memoirs we reviewed.  Maybe some other members can recommend what has helped them?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0 (our book reviews page).

This one is recommended: Surviving a Borderline Parent

Friedman is a recognized expert in the disorder.  I haven't read this one.  

Regarding the anger... .I've always been calm.  Yet I've always had deep anger.  Months after seeing the couples' counselor my ex abandoned me to,  my T suddenly exclaimed,  "There! You're finally angry! You have a right to be." Uh, what, I'm in a safe place to act how I feel? I never knew I was angry. 

When I look back at my initial posts here,  I see an engineer problem solving; not so much anger (that came later). My ex was living a double life,  leaving me at home with then D1 and S3, and I was trying to problem solve rather than realizing she was hurting me severely. 

I think we learn this as children of BPD.  Dodging the next hurt,  physical, emotional,  or both.  The good news is that you are here in good company.   

T