I am so confused...

[Depression = 72% of members]

She had another rage moment last night... Every other week I end up giving her money because she can't handle her finances.  I took off yesterday from my FT job because I have a side business and needed to attend a meeting.  She knew this, I told her a couple of times.  I usually wake her in the morning when I leave for work but slept in since my meeting was late morning.  She woke me up being nasty saying 'Why aren't you at work?'.  I told her, that I repeatedly told her I had a meeting today and took off.  She then started screaming at me because she said I didn't tell her at all.  I must've told her at least 5 times.

Anyway during my meeting I was getting constant texts and phone calls from her telling me she needs money for cigarettes and lunch.  No way I could give her money even if I wanted to and it was embarrassing that my phone was going off so much.

She comes home doesn't say much, then goes to bed.  I walk upstairs to see if she was ok and then the rage came.  Telling me that I don't help her out (I have been giving her money for years and trying to get her to become more responsible) and started to become verbally abusive.  Belittling me and just acting nuts.  Telling me and then our 6 year old daughter that she's leaving and that she doesn't have a 'fun life' and that we both are too much for her.  My daughter was traumatized we both were going to take her to the Halloween parade last night.  My daughter ended up hanging on my wife's leg begging for her to not go.  My wife yelling, trying to get our daughter off her leg, I told my wife that if she hurts our daughter it will be the last thing she does.  I was going to call the police but ended up calling her mom who then talked to our daughter.  My wife who is close to her mom did not want to talk to her, but at least her mom finally heard what her daughter is doing.  She wanted to call the police but I was able to calm our daughter down and I took her to the parade without my wife last night.

Got home and she was still verbally abusive, so I walked away.  My wife is losing it, her rages turn her into a different person.  The whole financial thing is 'my fault' even though I pay all the bills and working two jobs.  She spends her money on frivolous things and is behind in her bills.  I have given her thousands in the past.

What do I do when she goes into these rages and says these harmful things to our daughter?  When I talked to our daughter alone I told her that mom has a problem with dealing with anger and that none of this is her fault.  I repeatedly told her when that she is worried about mom to come to talk to me and that it is ok for her to talk to her nanny and pappy about it too.

I live in PA, is it possible to have my wife evaluated or committed?  She also prides herself on her looks (she is very beautiful) and for the past few months been scratching at her skin to the point that it's become raw.  She just had a biopsy done and awaiting the results.  They don't know what it is...   I'm starting to think it's become a mental thing.  Her scratching is going to leave her scars now and that has even made her more depressed.

She refuses to admit she has a problem, is there any possible way to gently show her that she has a major mental issue that needs to be addressed? 

[Silveron]

She had another rage moment last night... Every other week I end up giving her money because she can't handle her finances.  I took off yesterday from my FT job because I have a side business and needed to attend a meeting.  She knew this, I told her a couple of times.  I usually wake her in the morning when I leave for work but slept in since my meeting was late morning.  She woke me up being nasty saying 'Why aren't you at work?'.  I told her, that I repeatedly told her I had a meeting today and took off.  She then started screaming at me because she said I didn't tell her at all.  I must've told her at least 5 times.

Anyway during my meeting I was getting constant texts and phone calls from her telling me she needs money for cigarettes and lunch.  No way I could give her money even if I wanted to and it was embarrassing that my phone was going off so much.

She comes home doesn't say much, then goes to bed.  I walk upstairs to see if she was ok and then the rage came.  Telling me that I don't help her out (I have been giving her money for years and trying to get her to become more responsible) and started to become verbally abusive.  Belittling me and just acting nuts.  Telling me and then our 6 year old daughter that she's leaving and that she doesn't have a 'fun life' and that we both are too much for her.  My daughter was traumatized we both were going to take her to the Halloween parade last night.  My daughter ended up hanging on my wife's leg begging for her to not go.  My wife yelling, trying to get our daughter off her leg, I told my wife that if she hurts our daughter it will be the last thing she does.  I was going to call the police but ended up calling her mom who then talked to our daughter.  My wife who is close to her mom did not want to talk to her, but at least her mom finally heard what her daughter is doing.  She wanted to call the police but I was able to calm our daughter down and I took her to the parade without my wife last night.

Got home and she was still verbally abusive, so I walked away.  My wife is losing it, her rages turn her into a different person.  The whole financial thing is 'my fault' even though I pay all the bills and working two jobs.  She spends her money on frivolous things and is behind in her bills.  I have given her thousands in the past.

What do I do when she goes into these rages and says these harmful things to our daughter?  When I talked to our daughter alone I told her that mom has a problem with dealing with anger and that none of this is her fault.  I repeatedly told her when that she is worried about mom to come to talk to me and that it is ok for her to talk to her nanny and pappy about it too.

I live in PA, is it possible to have my wife evaluated or committed?  She also prides herself on her looks (she is very beautiful) and for the past few months been scratching at her skin to the point that it's become raw.  She just had a biopsy done and awaiting the results.  They don't know what it is...   I'm starting to think it's become a mental thing.  Her scratching is going to leave her scars now and that has even made her more depressed.

She refuses to admit she has a problem, is there any possible way to gently show her that she has a major mental issue that needs to be addressed? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

Silveron, that's a huge load you're carrying. I feel for you. A few things occur to me when I read your post.

You need to figure out where your boundaries are with regard to her rages. In my opinion, being verbally abusive is not o.k. Threatening to leave in front of a 6 year old is not o.k. This sort of thing might be a signal that it is time for you to take your daughter to a hotel room or stay over at the grandparents. Fighting with her just reinforces the rages, any attention positive or negative may tend to make her have more rages. Setting boundaries can help reduce those rages. Read about boundaries here, they have to be your boundaries, if she does X, then you do Y. You can't set boundaries on her behavior, that's out of your control.

Regarding the scratching, that is common with BPD, but I don't know much about it. Hopefully someone else can chime in.

I also wonder, is there any drinking or substance abuse involved with the rages? If so, that has to be dealt with first. I know getting all alcohol out of my house helped calm things down.

[Inquisitive1]

P.S. One boundary I set with my wife was no arguing while either of us is at work. This something you might discuss with her. Maybe a marital therapist could help.

If I was in that meeting, I might have just turned my phone off after the second call/text.

[takingandsending]

Silveron,

Have you been reading the Lessons at the right of this page? You, like many here, are stuck in the web of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that can happen to anyone living with a person with mental illness. The most important thing for you to do is to understand your role in your RS and how to not make it worse. Part of that is understanding the illness, and then doing things that lessen your reactivity to what is going on.

I never thought I could have any effective boundaries with my uBPDw because of the way that she attacked them and me whenever I tried. Now, I know better. It's just that I had to change my ways, fight my urges to justify what I was asking (mind you, not doing), or explain or defend. All of that had to stop.

It may never bring your RS to a place where you are happy, that you can accept, but it might at least make it functional again, to the point that you have space to think about what you can accept and what you need. Please note that I am not implying that making changes can't make your RS better; it's just not a guarantee. But, if you work on this, it will make your life better and also your daughter's life. That's where you start.

Can you please let us know what you have done so far in the Lessons so that some suggestions can be forwarded? Have you read about the ways that the illness manifests? For instance, the scratching is self injury. There's a good you tube from Allen Fruzetti about the thought-reaction process in BPD that leads to self injury and how dialectical behavioral therapy works. My wife also picks at her skin. I didn't know it was self injury until I learned about BPD. Believe it or not, it's a coping strategy to stop their thoughts from chain reacting.

This is a serious illness. Looking for rational behavior is not going to work. I look forward to hearing more about what you have read and whether or not it helps to understand. And, especially, there is a great community here that will help when you need help applying some of the communication tools to bring the conflict down in your house.  

[Determined1]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Those moments can be very difficult to handle and leave you feeling completely baffled. I live in PA as well. Perhaps you can message me privately in what city because my wife sees a life coach that she loves (my wife is not a big fan of DBT). Unfortunately, treatment works best when someone willing chooses to go so I personally would not recommend having her committed. If you can somehow get her to see how the behaviors affect your family (without blaming or criticism), then maybe she would be willing to go in for an evaluation. Keep us posted!

[Silveron]

Thank you all for your replies.  I am new here so I will be reading up on the lessons and let you know how that is working in regards to our r/s.  She drinks every night but only one or two.  She has not gone out in quite a few months only because the last night she went out she caused a lot of problems.  She got free 'VIP' tickets to a concert and wanted to take her dad, he had a stroke 3-4 weeks prior so he could not drive.  The VIP included free beer & wine.  However she still drank to excess, decided to drive and then hit a car trying to get out of the parking lot.  She fled the scene (her dad had to drive) and when she finally got home, I found her passed out on the bed.  My german shepherd then laid on the floor beside her, when I woke her up she leaned over to the side of the bed and vomited all over my dog.  Ugh...   Not fun at 2am to give my dog a bath, her car was scratched up as well. 

Her reaction to that scenario when I tried to talk to her about it was 'Im such an awful person, I need to die'.  She was asking for pity.  Anyway, she hasn't gotten drunk since (from May).

She is verbally abusive every night.  It would be almost impossible for me to take my daughter away from the house when she starts every time, considering she has school.  Last year when she was physically abusive when I threatened to call the police, she told me if I did she would hurt herself and blame it on me.  She keeps on saying she is not cut out for the family life and that me and our daughter are too much for her.  She is on max dosage of Lexapro and another anti-depressant.

I can only imagine what her reaction would be if they tell her that the skin issue is mental.  I would set her over the edge.  It just all of a sudden came out of nowhere about 3 months ago.  Determined1, I'll PM you.  Thank you so much all for being there!

[Inquisitive1]

Start reading the lessons. Definitely worth your time. verbally abusive every night is tough. Hang in there, learning the stuff here can help.

[Silveron]

I've been doing quite a bit of reading.  Her scratching, she got her biopsy results.  I asked her about what they said, she told me that 'They said I'm probably allergic to something' and want at least another $350 to find out what it is.  I think that is a lie, I think they told her that there isn't anything they could find that's causing it.  Wouldn't a biopsy tell them what she was allergic too?  They did that and blood test, what else would they need?  I believe it's mental.  She said she wasn't going to pay the extra money and told me they just told her to wear more 'cotton' clothing.  Huh?  This doesn't make sense...

I have a cruise coming up with the place where I work and she is coming along with our daughter.  I'm dreading it, because I know my wife is going to cause some sort of situation.  The first cruise we were on, she refused to leave the cabin, in which everyone was required to so that we knew where our lifeboats were.  The cruise liner was 10 minutes late leaving port because of her.

Do they actually get some sort of enjoyment with the things they do? 

[takingandsending]

Silveron, cruises, vacations, holidays, events can make all of us feel more stress ... .and more so for pwBPD. Would you consider starting a new thread asking how to support your SO during this cruise? I bet some folks here will have some good strategies for helping you

[Ladylove]

What do I do when she goes into these rages and says these harmful things to our daughter?  When I talked to our daughter alone I told her that mom has a problem with dealing with anger and that none of this is her fault.  I repeatedly told her when that she is worried about mom to come to talk to me and that it is ok for her to talk to her nanny and pappy about it too.

It's great that you can be the calming force for your daughter. I also think it's helpful for her to have her own little support system that she can open up to when she is confused about the state of mom and dad.

Man, it's tough to see our little ones exposed to this.

I totally feel your pain. Instead of my uBPDh saying harmful things to our daughter, he tells me to keep her out of the house and to stay out of the house because he doesn't know the words he's capable of saying and doesn't want her to hear them.(Thank Goodness I get a warning)... but I'm constantly packing things up and racing out for who knows how long... .which can't be healthy either

There is an awesome section of the book "Stop walking on eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger that addresses how to talk to kids with one BPD parent... .I must have to re-read it- it's homework, that's for sure.

Good luck and keep posting

[Inquisitive1]

Silveron, i've been where you are with the physical complaint you suspect are psychosomatic. Neither you nor anyone on this board can know the cause of those physical symptoms. Give her the benefit of the doubt on that one or you will drive yourself mad with resentment. I'm no expert, I don't think allergists usually do blood tests.

The cruise... .starting a new thread is a good idea. Given not wanting to leave the cabin on the last cruise, I wonder if she even wants to go on the cruise... .but that may not be the right direction for you to go.

[Silveron]

I was on three cruises with her (due to work) and only the first one (back in 2004) was nice.  The others she would either stay in the cabin or not even want to be near me on the boat and she would be gone for hours.

She got a call from the Dr. about her scratching again and she told me that it was the 'elastic' on her underwear, but only the one color of bra.  Huh?  All her bras look alike to me except the color.  She's not making sense with that.  Her telling me 'The black ones are causing this'.  I didn't talk to the Dr. myself but i'm thinking they told her it was stress related.

Saturday night she opened up some about her stress at work so I just listened.  Then out of the blue she started the verbal abuse.  That floored me, considering I was just listening to her.  I took the advice and told her to not talk to me and went upstairs to bed.

Honestly I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.  I probably wouldn't know how to deal with a relationship that was 'normal' where my SO was actually nice, caring and wants to work as a couple...