I had a relationship with my BPD ex for 21 years

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had a relationship with my BPD ex for 21 years. I didn't know that he had BPD. Last March he said he hated me and left the house. He refused to talk to me. He called his mom (whom he had problems) and arranged lawyers. He said he had a big void in his chest and I caused it and couldn't fill it. After his leaving, I have discovered that he had been having an affair for the last 3 years. It was both emotional and sexual. He admitted the emotional part and said he was in love with her. She made him feel like a real man. He said I deserved the affair. He blamed me for everything. We have a 7 year-old son. Our son had a very serious illness when his affair started. It was a rheumatologic condition. He is still having tests every three months. He said it was also my fault. He believes that I am a bad mother because I gave organic food to him and this made him ill (what an illusion).
After a time I also discovered that he had many emotional (maybe sexual) affairs all those years. I am still in shock. I had been with him since I was 18 years old. He was my first love. We had a rollercoaster relationship. It was difficult but I stayed with him because I thought we had a real and deep connection. Now, I don't know what to believe. I hurts so much.
I have been seeing a therapist for 5 months. She said my ex seems like a BPD. When I searched it on the net, I had an enlightenment. But this reality doesn't ease my pain. I have been keeping no contact since our divorce in September. But I can't stop thinking about him all the time. I am a phd student and need to concentrate and do a lot of homework and research, I am a mother who should take care of a son who is under tests and also has allergic asthma, and terribly misses his dad. I need to stop thinking about him and the woman he has chosen over me. I need to stop following him on the net.
Has my life been an illusion? Everyone says I need to move on. From outside I have moved on, yet I miss him (logically I shouldn't), I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what I want or expect. This is like an addiction.  Thanks. 

[clytie]

I had a relationship with my BPD ex for 21 years. I didn't know that he had BPD. Last March he said he hated me and left the house. He refused to talk to me. He called his mom (whom he had problems) and arranged lawyers. He said he had a big void in his chest and I caused it and couldn't fill it. After his leaving, I have discovered that he had been having an affair for the last 3 years. It was both emotional and sexual. He admitted the emotional part and said he was in love with her. She made him feel like a real man. He said I deserved the affair. He blamed me for everything. We have a 7 year-old son. Our son had a very serious illness when his affair started. It was a rheumatologic condition. He is still having tests every three months. He said it was also my fault. He believes that I am a bad mother because I gave organic food to him and this made him ill (what an illusion).
After a time I also discovered that he had many emotional (maybe sexual) affairs all those years. I am still in shock. I had been with him since I was 18 years old. He was my first love. We had a rollercoaster relationship. It was difficult but I stayed with him because I thought we had a real and deep connection. Now, I don't know what to believe. I hurts so much.
I have been seeing a therapist for 5 months. She said my ex seems like a BPD. When I searched it on the net, I had an enlightenment. But this reality doesn't ease my pain. I have been keeping no contact since our divorce in September. But I can't stop thinking about him all the time. I am a phd student and need to concentrate and do a lot of homework and research, I am a mother who should take care of a son who is under tests and also has allergic asthma, and terribly misses his dad. I need to stop thinking about him and the woman he has chosen over me. I need to stop following him on the net.
Has my life been an illusion? Everyone says I need to move on. From outside I have moved on, yet I miss him (logically I shouldn't), I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what I want or expect. This is like an addiction.  Thanks. 

[Radcliff]

Hello clytie, I am so sorry to hear of your divorce and the pain it has brought you.  You said others might say you should move on.  Fine, you will eventually move on.  But the end of a 21 year relationship that you have been in since you were 18 is going to leave a huge hole.  Of course you miss him!  Be patient with yourself.  Don't feel bad for missing him.  Give yourself time.

I am glad you have found us.  This is a good community.  What other support do you have?  Do you have family and friends who you are able to connect with who are supporting you in the ways you need to be supported?

WW

[clytie]

Thanks for answering my post. Unfortunately I don't have any supportive family members. My patents behave as if nothing has happened. When they see me sad, esp my dad, they get angry or bored and say i shouldn't be weak, i should move on and i shouldn't make them sad. I am not allowed to talk about anything about my ex when I am with my family.
 Noone sees or understands my pain. They just make me feel guilty about it. That's why I am here. It hurts a lot, I miss him, there is a huge whole in myself and still I want to know and hear this is normal in my situation. They have no notion of BPD or codependency.
I have been seeing a threapist for some time. That's how I have learned about my codependency and his BPD. I am working on my childhood and self-esteem issues. I have sone friends too but they dont live in my town because I moved here after my divorce. I am trying to build a new life with my son... .And I am still in a little bit shock.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Clytie, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain and can't stop thinking about your Ex.  You are in good company, my friend, as most of us have been in your shoes.  You're not alone, believe me.  Of course you're still a  little in shock.  From what you are saying, your family lacks empathy and minimizes your problems, so you're going to have to look elsewhere for support.  I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a T.  Posting here is healthy, too.  Maybe you could get in touch with one of your friends via telephone or scype?  Let us know if you have any specific questions.  Yes, it is similar to breaking an addiction.

LuckyJim

[clytie]

Hearing from others who have been where I am now means a lot. This is real support.  When someone who has been in my shoes tells me "it will pass", I feel stronger.
All the things I have been through shattered my sense of reality and self-esteem. When I see there are others, I begin to feel that this is real. I begin to accept that all of these are not a big fat joke but my reality.
My Ex has started to follow me on social media for the last few days. I dont understand why, and this causes me think about him more. Maybe I should block him and continue no contact. I dont talk to him or write any messsges, but I dont feel strong enough to block him. Ending a 21-year relationship without closure and with all the blame on me is hard. I feel like I am lost without him in my life. When he started to follow me, it triggered my need for him. How can I find strenght to block him? I feel so weak.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, clytie, Yes, it is hard to part ways after a 21-year r/s, particularly with a pwBPD.  Suggest you be careful about shouldering the blame, because those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, because of their inability to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's all about moving stuff off their plate and onto yours.  Once you are aware of this dynamic, you are in a better position to let the blame roll off your back, yes, like water off the back of a duck.  We're here for you.

LuckyJim

[Radcliff]

Hello again, clytie, Yes, it is hard to part ways after a 21-year r/s, particularly with a pwBPD.  Suggest you be careful about shouldering the blame, because those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, because of their inability to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's all about moving stuff off their plate and onto yours.  Once you are aware of this dynamic, you are in a better position to let the blame roll off your back, yes, like water off the back of a duck.  We're here for you.

LuckyJim

clytie, Lucky Jim's advice above is spot on.  Sometimes when my wife places blame on me, it's obvious.  Sometimes it's super subtle and I just fall right into it.  But other times, after a couple of decades of this, she doesn't have to place the blame on me at all.  I just jump up and do it myself!

It is totally natural for you to be questioning everything.  Your old reality is gone, and if there was an affair especially, you're even questioning what of that old reality was real.  This all sounds totally normal, if terribly painful.

Also, I want to say that I am so, so sorry to hear that your family is not being supportive.  Of course you are not going to just "get over" someone you spent 21 years with!  I know you know these are not reasonable messages to hear, but it doesn't make it any easier or less confusing to hear them from those so close to you.

You say you don't feel strong enough to block him.  I've also recently been struggling with setting some boundaries with my wife.  We are temporarily separated, and I need to see less of her while she and I both do some therapy.  It is hard to limit contact with her, but I need to do it right now.  I'm having to find a way to give myself permission to do that, and it's been helpful to have my therapist and friends on this board back me up.  If you feel like blocking him on social media is what you need to do to have the space you need, then go for it.

Tell us about the Ph.D.  :)id you just move to start it?  Or has it been going on for a while?  That's impressive that you're pursuing a Ph.D.!

WW

[Cire155]

Hello Clytie,
You sound so brave and level headed. I took away some good points from your posts. I see that you addressed self esteem issues and some things that happened in your childhood. I didn't make the connection until my therapist made it for me. Then my therapist read the texts that I showed her and made a comment that she suspects  my ex might have BPD. You seem to be on the same road to putting pieces together and are going about it the right way. My break up was affecting my job and I couldn't concentrate. I was barely making deadlines and my time and energy was absorbed in trying to figure out the illness my ex had. I would self loathe and getting no where. I thought my friends would look at my like I was crazy because I had been with my ex for 6 months. How could 6 month produce all these strong feelings. I can't imagine what 21 years with someone with BPD is like but I commend you greatly for being a true survivor. This is the right place to come to. I think I'm almost 100% in my healing process and you will get there because you are taking all the right steps to do so. We are here is you need anything.

[clytie]

Hello again. I am still experiencing ups and downs. One day I feel like breaking up with him is the best thing ever, another day I feel like life is meaningless and painful without him. He has been following my whatsapp situation for the last three weeks. Yesterday morning he blocked me and stopped following me. I find myself trying the figure out why he blocked me. This is silly, I know; yet I can't help thinking of him. He was the one who has told several lies (I was really transparent), who has cheated on me several times (I didn't know them during our relationship), who left me suddenly (after all those years), and it's HIM who blocked me. It hurts so much. He can stop following me and keep NC as I do; but why blocking. I get this like another rejection which triggers my sadness. I should stop obsessing about a person who doesn't care about me at all. It seems like I have left a roller-coaster relationship; but I am on another roller-coaster of thoughts and feelings.
I have found his messages with his affair partner. (I wish I hadn't found them.) She thinks he loves him like her father does and says she thinks she is very lucky. After 21 years I think he has never really love me. He even told her that he didn't love me. Can you believe this? This is very cruel and not fair. Breaking ups are normal but ours is not.
I am doing a Phd on curriculum development and instruction. I have completed my lessons recently. I will enter my last final exam on 25th December. I have to study, I have to concentrate. I am going to start writing my thesis in April. It'm planning to study on Teacher Training and induction period. BUT I find it almost impossible to concentrate on my work. I WANT TO BREAK THIS ADDICTION SOON.
My T says I am doing great and everything I experience is normal under these circumstances. She advices me to keep NC and do something new. So I've started painting and drawing. Unfortunately, all my paintings and drawings are about him. My T says I need time (at least one year) to get rid of these cravings for him.
At least I know this r/s is not good for me and what I crave is not him but his illusion I created.

[Cire155]

My T says I am doing great and everything I experience is normal under these circumstances. She advices me to keep NC and do something new. So I've started painting and drawing. Unfortunately, all my paintings and drawings are about him. My T says I need time (at least one year) to get rid of these cravings for him.
At least I know this r/s is not good for me and what I crave is not him but his illusion I created.

Just keep doing what you are doing. You have all the answers and are experiencing the normal effects of being with someone with BPD.  I like that you said you crave the illusion. The smoke and mirrors effects. Good thing is that you are set up for success and can't rush the process. I know you want an instant fix but there is none. If you came here and posted tomorrow that you were healed and all the cravings were gone, you would be lying to yourself. You are honest with yourself and that is most important. Let the detoxification run its course. The pain is never easy but in the end you will be stronger. I would think abut my ex everyday. My every thought was her. Now not so much and people can see the change in me for the best. In my opinion you seem ahead of the curve on tackling this. Just concentrate on getting better and when you get to that point of kicking this addiction, help others because you seem pretty smart at figuring this out. You will be fine it just takes time

[toomanydogs]

Hi Clytie,
  My H left after a ten-year marriage. He was the one who cheated, the one who left, the one who lied about me, and, yet, he has at least one person believing that it was somehow my fault that my H left and filed for divorce.
  I went through everything you're going through. The difference is I'd been pulling back emotionally from him for a while, so I reached the anger stage of grief fairly quickly.
  My moods fluctuated as yours are. I couldn't concentrate. (I'm a writer. I need to be able to concentrate.) For me, the worst was missing him because he was so bad to me, and I felt ashamed for wanting him back, and yet I did. Sometimes even now I think I want him back, and then it's like the universe is shaking me by the shoulders: "NO. NO. YOU DO NOT WANT HIM BACK. YOU WANT THE MAN BACK YOU THOUGHT HE WAS NOT WHO HE REALLY WAS." (The universe kind of yells at me.)
  My H tries to log in to my website. Nothing there.
  I echo what your T tells you and what other board members have told you. Give yourself time. Be compassionate and kind to yourself. Any marriage is difficult to leave, but yours was very long and must have been intense, and that makes it even more difficult to disentangle from.
  I am so sorry you're going through this, and so sorry your family isn't emotionally supportive. I have 5 sisters who have been unbelievably supportive. And I have friends and two kids.
  I am glad you've got a T who sounds supportive, and I'm glad you've found this board. It really helps.
  I'm a writer not a visual artist, but I know that writing about my H helps, and I have to assume drawing or painting your ex will help get him out of your system.
   
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