How to make it a positive.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Your BPD experience has left you feeling guilt, regret and a sense of loss you have never felt before. There is also anger and pain at how you have been treated and labelled, all mixed in with the confusion of watching a person turn and change before your eyes.

Why did any of us stay and commit to someone we all knew had problems well outside of us? Tying ourselves into relationships we very definitely thought could destroy us and did. Why do we feel so sorry and remorseful for a relationship in which we were objectified so badly, we have all felt far less guilt for leaving relationships with people far less hurtful.

Look at yourself, look at your past relationships. How many people have you become entangled with who used blame as a defense mechanism for their own shortcomings. This is a fault, and people who do it never change. They do not grow.

I am a sucker for vulnerability and a sob story, but I'm blind to how people use them to manipulate. My ex has PTSD but most likely her stories of abuse and a diagnosis are lies, she is a BPD waif by definition but has not be diagnosed as such. Regardless, her claims of victimisation drew me in, when they should have been seen as a reason to support her not commit to her.

There is no closure, only blame. Blame that is not justified and is mostly based on paranoia and selfishness, but that lense of criticism they force you to see yourself through can and will be the most positive thing you ever experienced.

I committed to a BPD waif who endured two years of not feeling the codependency she needed. Right or wrong that was hell for her. She found someone who shared that codependency, who she feels far less likely will leave her, and who she has already lied to and manipulated. That's all on her, but we would both have been better off if I had not tried to rescue her.

To want to be someones knight is narcissistic, bit it does not mean you are a narcissist, I think it suggests a part of you would like to be a strong man/woman and doesn't feel it unless you are rescuing someone. Do they exploit that need, or do they attract it?

The need to feel worthy by being a hero is a sure sign of low self esteem, and that same sense of inadequacy will have caught you out before. Where does it come from? Was your childhood spent in the company of an emotional and depressed parent you could not help? Did you experience some kind of abuse? Do you have any addictions which act as a crutch for your sense of doubt?

I do now know I have always had issues with self worth, and I know why. It's easy to cover these over, I am a very happy and confident person on the outside, I work a full time job, I have lots of friends, but my relationship cycle suggests I gravitate regularly to those that project helplessness. You can only help yourself.

That cycle is not just seen in my romantic relationships, I have repeatedly ended up close to people with PD's, and those that claim they have been mistreated or abused. I invest in these people and will be hurt by them eventually.

I smoke weed to escape stress, which causes more stress. This is an issue. Deep down I see a failure and someone not completely at peace with themselves. These are things left over from my childhood, they do not consume me into he same way a BPD sufferer may feel, but they lead me to ignore my boundaries.

I am not however, codependent, and that is the characteristic a pwBPD needs and is controlled by. The happier they are the more codependent their partner is. I am not scared of being alone or abandoned, and these strengths are how I know I can overcome the cycle I have found myself in and stop the negative reinforcement of my inadequacy that cycle causes.

Post BPD relationship is a place of pain, self hate, and sadness, but there is also relief. Much of those feelings you do not deserve, but you can learn from them.

Sometimes a person needs to be hit with 2x4 right between the eyes to see they need to change. We have to use these experiences to grow, look at ourselves and untangle the person we are from the relationship we just experienced and never wanted.

Who are you? What can change? What should stop? How can you make sure you never feel this pain again?

Forgive and love yourself, two things a pwBPD will probably never be able to do.

[Justbecause]

Your BPD experience has left you feeling guilt, regret and a sense of loss you have never felt before. There is also anger and pain at how you have been treated and labelled, all mixed in with the confusion of watching a person turn and change before your eyes.

Why did any of us stay and commit to someone we all knew had problems well outside of us? Tying ourselves into relationships we very definitely thought could destroy us and did. Why do we feel so sorry and remorseful for a relationship in which we were objectified so badly, we have all felt far less guilt for leaving relationships with people far less hurtful.

Look at yourself, look at your past relationships. How many people have you become entangled with who used blame as a defense mechanism for their own shortcomings. This is a fault, and people who do it never change. They do not grow.

I am a sucker for vulnerability and a sob story, but I'm blind to how people use them to manipulate. My ex has PTSD but most likely her stories of abuse and a diagnosis are lies, she is a BPD waif by definition but has not be diagnosed as such. Regardless, her claims of victimisation drew me in, when they should have been seen as a reason to support her not commit to her.

There is no closure, only blame. Blame that is not justified and is mostly based on paranoia and selfishness, but that lense of criticism they force you to see yourself through can and will be the most positive thing you ever experienced.

I committed to a BPD waif who endured two years of not feeling the codependency she needed. Right or wrong that was hell for her. She found someone who shared that codependency, who she feels far less likely will leave her, and who she has already lied to and manipulated. That's all on her, but we would both have been better off if I had not tried to rescue her.

To want to be someones knight is narcissistic, bit it does not mean you are a narcissist, I think it suggests a part of you would like to be a strong man/woman and doesn't feel it unless you are rescuing someone. Do they exploit that need, or do they attract it?

The need to feel worthy by being a hero is a sure sign of low self esteem, and that same sense of inadequacy will have caught you out before. Where does it come from? Was your childhood spent in the company of an emotional and depressed parent you could not help? Did you experience some kind of abuse? Do you have any addictions which act as a crutch for your sense of doubt?

I do now know I have always had issues with self worth, and I know why. It's easy to cover these over, I am a very happy and confident person on the outside, I work a full time job, I have lots of friends, but my relationship cycle suggests I gravitate regularly to those that project helplessness. You can only help yourself.

That cycle is not just seen in my romantic relationships, I have repeatedly ended up close to people with PD's, and those that claim they have been mistreated or abused. I invest in these people and will be hurt by them eventually.

I smoke weed to escape stress, which causes more stress. This is an issue. Deep down I see a failure and someone not completely at peace with themselves. These are things left over from my childhood, they do not consume me into he same way a BPD sufferer may feel, but they lead me to ignore my boundaries.

I am not however, codependent, and that is the characteristic a pwBPD needs and is controlled by. The happier they are the more codependent their partner is. I am not scared of being alone or abandoned, and these strengths are how I know I can overcome the cycle I have found myself in and stop the negative reinforcement of my inadequacy that cycle causes.

Post BPD relationship is a place of pain, self hate, and sadness, but there is also relief. Much of those feelings you do not deserve, but you can learn from them.

Sometimes a person needs to be hit with 2x4 right between the eyes to see they need to change. We have to use these experiences to grow, look at ourselves and untangle the person we are from the relationship we just experienced and never wanted.

Who are you? What can change? What should stop? How can you make sure you never feel this pain again?

Forgive and love yourself, two things a pwBPD will probably never be able to do.

[vanx]

Justbecause,
I want to commend you for layin it all out here. It's clear you are putting a lot of thought into yourself and improving some aspect of your life. I know for me, I thought I'd never felt hurt like this before, but in fact, I felt a similar hurt very early in life, and had met with something similar many times before. The only difference this time is I paid attention a little better and learned.
One thought/opinion I have, and it is pretty nitpicky, is that I think it's possible to cause ourselves more stress by trying to avoid similar pain in the future. Circumstances not entirely in our control may lead to painful situations, but we CAN have enough insight and self-love to make new choices that shorten suffering and make things manageable. Like I said, nitpicky. I agree with you and it sounds like you are on a path of great healing.
I have smoked pot before to cope with stress. At least you recognize that it doesn't serve you. We have to meet the stress head on to become more resilient, but recognize that you do deserve to get a break and relax. Find something else that helps. Have you ever tried yoga? Just one idea, but I started recently and it's helped me a lot. Keep on going forward!

[once removed]

How many people have you become entangled with who used blame as a defense mechanism for their own shortcomings. This is a fault, and people who do it never change. They do not grow.

i was one of those people. a victim mentality is hard to change. its hard to see in ourselves even if we are open to it. i wouldnt conclude that people stuck in that mentality will never change or grow. sometimes circumstances, evidence, and results, force our hand, eventually.

To want to be someones knight is narcissistic, bit it does not mean you are a narcissist, I think it suggests a part of you would like to be a strong man/woman and doesn't feel it unless you are rescuing someone.

absolutely right. sometimes its naivete; i cant overstate how for example, some of my favorite movies colored my views on what love is. i never felt completely comfortable with the label "codependent", let alone "narcissist", but i did plenty of reading on both. what i learned is that needing another person for me to feel good about myself has a lot to do with both. much of this has to do with an excessive need for mirroring from others.

in my case, i had a lot of hangups and fear of rejection, and i often felt in a one down position in my relationships. it made me feel powerful to have a partner (my ex) who was so dependent upon me, who i felt was incapable of leaving me, and where i felt one up. and then when she did leave and move on, it was as if my worst fears had been confirmed. and then i turned to dysfunctional coping methods to reverse that sense of rejection.

im not sure we can ever be completely, 100% free of all of the subconscious forces that draw us to relationships. we can become more aware and more mindful of them. we can reality test whether some of these needs and how we seek to meet them or have others meet them are excessive and/or dysfunctional.
 

Do they exploit that need, or do they attract it?

family systems theory will tell you that we mate with our emotional equals - people with a similar level of differentiation to our own. in that sense, i dont think its "they", i think these kinds of dynamics draw both partners.

... .That cycle is not just seen in my romantic relationships, I have repeatedly ended up close to people with PD's, and those that claim they have been mistreated or abused. I invest in these people and will be hurt by them eventually.

i think youre asking the right questions and really making strides here in digging deeper. i would also tell you that you are likely to be tested, in some form, again, if not again. 30% of the world, at any given time, meets the criteria for a form of mental illness. more than that have traits. and as we all know, some people are just jerks. the reality is you cant hide from difficult people, theyre everywhere. you need the skills to navigate. people with PDs have inherently low relationship skills and a lot of dysfunction; no inherent powers or abilities over us.

I am not however, codependent, and that is the characteristic a pwBPD needs and is controlled by. The happier they are the more codependent their partner is.

im not sure that this is true. the success stories ive followed on the Improving and Parenting board involve people that went through all of what we did, saw their role in the dysfunction, stopped the bleeding, learned new skills and tools to apply to their relationship, and had strong boundaries - the clinical literature will tell you that this is a must. in some cases, the partner with BPD followed their lead. in some cases marriages are saved. in some cases it just creates an environment with a lot less stress and pain. in some cases it causes the partners to grow apart, and forces the end of the relationship.

Sometimes a person needs to be hit with 2x4 right between the eyes to see they need to change. We have to use these experiences to grow, look at ourselves and untangle the person we are from the relationship we just experienced and never wanted.

Who are you? What can change? What should stop? How can you make sure you never feel this pain again?

dead on. this path will serve you well.