How many people have you become entangled with who used blame as a defense mechanism for their own shortcomings. This is a fault, and people who do it never change. They do not grow.
i was one of those people. a victim mentality is hard to change. its hard to see in ourselves even if we are open to it. i wouldnt conclude that people stuck in that mentality will never change or grow. sometimes circumstances, evidence, and results, force our hand, eventually.
To want to be someones knight is narcissistic, bit it does not mean you are a narcissist, I think it suggests a part of you would like to be a strong man/woman and doesn't feel it unless you are rescuing someone.
absolutely right. sometimes its naivete; i cant overstate how for example, some of my favorite movies colored my views on what love is. i never felt completely comfortable with the label "codependent", let alone "narcissist", but i did plenty of reading on both. what i learned is that needing another person for me to feel good about myself has a lot to do with both. much of this has to do with an excessive need for mirroring from others.
in my case, i had a lot of hangups and fear of rejection, and i often felt in a one down position in my relationships. it made me feel powerful to have a partner (my ex) who was so dependent upon me, who i felt was incapable of leaving me, and where i felt one up. and then when she did leave and move on, it was as if my worst fears had been confirmed. and then i turned to dysfunctional coping methods to reverse that sense of rejection.
im not sure we can ever be completely, 100% free of all of the subconscious forces that draw us to relationships. we can become more aware and more mindful of them. we can reality test whether some of these needs and how we seek to meet them or have others meet them are excessive and/or dysfunctional.
Do they exploit that need, or do they attract it?
family systems theory will tell you that we mate with our emotional equals - people with a similar level of differentiation to our own. in that sense, i dont think its "they", i think these kinds of dynamics draw both partners.
... .That cycle is not just seen in my romantic relationships, I have repeatedly ended up close to people with PD's, and those that claim they have been mistreated or abused. I invest in these people and will be hurt by them eventually.
i think youre asking the right questions and really making strides here in digging deeper. i would also tell you that you are likely to be tested, in some form, again, if not again. 30% of the world, at any given time, meets the criteria for a form of mental illness. more than that have traits. and as we all know, some people are just jerks. the reality is you cant hide from difficult people, theyre everywhere. you need the skills to navigate. people with PDs have inherently low relationship skills and a lot of dysfunction; no inherent powers or abilities over us.
I am not however, codependent, and that is the characteristic a pwBPD needs and is controlled by. The happier they are the more codependent their partner is.
im not sure that this is true. the success stories ive followed on the Improving and Parenting board involve people that went through all of what we did, saw their role in the dysfunction, stopped the bleeding, learned new skills and tools to apply to their relationship, and had strong boundaries - the clinical literature will tell you that this is a must. in some cases, the partner with BPD followed their lead. in some cases marriages are saved. in some cases it just creates an environment with a lot less stress and pain. in some cases it causes the partners to grow apart, and forces the end of the relationship.
Sometimes a person needs to be hit with 2x4 right between the eyes to see they need to change. We have to use these experiences to grow, look at ourselves and untangle the person we are from the relationship we just experienced and never wanted.
Who are you? What can change? What should stop? How can you make sure you never feel this pain again?
dead on. this path will serve you well.