Nothing in the world made sense until I read about BPD

[lostlady]

I have been isolated from most of my friends and family progressively for about three years. It has ravaged me to live with someone who one minute loves/worships me and the next minute is enraged with accusations and such profound hatred for me.  I don't know that I would still be here if it weren't for our three children who I have tried so hard to protect from this (and failed).  Accusations have ranged from smiling at a waiter wrong to liking the wrong pictures on facebook and currently rest on an obsession about an obstetric exam I had 12 years ago from someone that my husband had to socialize with twice.  My husband also has been locked in an ongoing and escalating alcohol addiction that only exacerbates his paranoia and rage.  I can no longer sleep through the night due to the number of nights he has awaken me intoxicated and seething in rage at 3:00 am and berated me until dawn. He calls these "fights" and says I am pushing back ... .I simply don't see an argument, just accusatory abuse. After this he will often awaken me again a couple hours and demand sex.  I am so broken and confused but  I need to guide myself and my family through this... .I guess, thank you for listening... .sorry that you are struggling with a loved one afflicted with this as well... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi lostlady,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling with your relationship. THe ups and downs and accusations sound so familiar. Depriving you of sleep is a form of control and abuse. We have a post about How to Handle Sleep Interruption and Deprivation

Would it be possible for you to remove yourself to another room to sleep when he wakes you like this?

When he begins making accusations how do you usually react?

Have you ever thought about getting into therapy to help you deal with the stress of living with someone with BPD?

[defogging]

Sorry you're dealing with this, it's all too familiar to me.  I'll share my experience and what has helped me, hopefully it can help you too.  One big thing I've noticed with my uBPDw is her bark is 1,000 times worse than her bite, so when I've pushed back there haven't been any repercussions (aside from her being mad at me, which she usually is anyways).  That helped me start doing more of what I need for myself, when I realized that the amount of rage/noise coming from her did not increase when I pushed back.

Isolation - This was slowly happening to me over the last three years, but not to the point of complete isolation.  It didn't feel right to me instinctually, so I started reaching out to friends again and am rebuilding those relationships.  These are lifelong friends for me, so it has been fairly easy to pick them back up.  I have also started to push uBPDw towards splitting time between my parents and her parents for things like holidays, it used to be one sided.  This is being met with fierce resistance, and she's usually mad about it, but I can utilize the fact that our kids want to see their cousins on my side and uBPDw will relent as she can never say no to our kids.

Sleep deprivation - This struck a chord with me because I hadn't read about it before, but it has definitely been happening to me.  Nonsensical arguments waged towards me as I'm sitting in bed reading a book, and about to turn off the lights.  She knew how to push my buttons and stress me out and I would hardly sleep at night.  We've seen 3 therapists over 2 years (none of it has been very helpful but there have been some small tidbits that work).  Our first T made us create a rule that no big discussions happen at bedtime, luckily uBPDw has not violated this rule since.  I moved downstairs to get sleep because uBPDw also has the kids sleep in our bed a lot of the time, it's another issue where she will not allow them to gain independence.  She has continued to interrupt my sleep by doing things like walking around in shoes on the wood floors above me late at night cleaning, moving furniture, putting dishes away, etc.  She claims it has to be done but who the heck needs to move furniture around at 1:00 am Thursday morning?  Crazy stuff.  I moved the bed downstairs to the other side of the basement where there is carpet above it and she has no reason to be in that room, and started using earplugs and herbal sleep remedies.  That, along with not allowing her behavior to upset me as much has resulted in me sleeping like a baby the last month or two.

Even though I didn't have any luck with therapists (BPDs twist everything around and make it difficult) I would agree with Tattered Heart and suggest you guys try counseling.  If nothing else, having a third person in the room to listen to your side of it while the BPD has to listen to that can enact some small changes.  I just wouldn't expect a light bulb to go off in BPD's head and have them say "You're right, I need help!".  Another idea would be to get a T for yourself, that can help to have a professional hear what is happening and help you sort it out.  I will advise you to do extensive research on therapists before selecting one.  I didn't do enough and ended up with an incompetent one that made things worse for awhile.

But I would suggest taking some small steps to create boundaries and see how he reacts.  If the rage doesn't get any worse, you will feel emboldened to start doing more things that YOU need.  That is what happened for me.  But if he is physically abusive at all, tread carefully and do whatever you need to protect you and the kids. 

Best of luck to you and keep posting.  Venting and reading on here can really help.

[barnowl]

Just giving a +1 to defogging's suggestion of individual counseling. Couples counseling was a failure for us (first one never figured out that I was being abused and neither did I; second one "fired" us because my wife wouldn't commit to working on fixing our relationship, probably also because he realized right away what was going on but neither I nor my wife did). The second guy sent me to an individual counselor who led me to the realization of what was going on and we are now working on how I can change things to improve the situation. As much as you'd like to think the other person can and will change, that's out of your hands. Do what you can by changing your own behavior and reactions, and a good therapist can help you with that.

[pearlsw]

hi lostlady!

You have already gotten a lot of nice/insightful support here from barnowl, defogging, and Tattered Heart. All I can really add is to say that elements of your story sound very familiar! This can be very tough and disheartening at times! I also know very well the love/hate dynamic. This caused a lot of damage in my relationship, but we are slowly finding our way back to a better place.

As much trouble as I've been through at times, and it has been extreme and created a lot of fear and insecurity on my part, I must agree with defogging that in the end one can really say that my partner's bark is worse than his bite - as bad as his bark is sometimes.

The sleep issue is a tough one. I notice my partner does it less when he is busy/consumed with other projects instead of focusing on me. When he starts to focus on me his mind falls apart a bit at times. It's hard.

Are you using any of the tools on the site yet? I am a big fan of not JADE-ing! And I am working on validation - it takes time to get the nuances of it, but it can really help.