10 lessons from a waif

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A BPD waif fits my ex with a textbook accuracy.

It is hard to explain the brutality of someone who played such a vulnerable and victimised role, only to treat you so badly. The pain is almost consuming, but it forces you to learn or be devoured by it.

Lesson one. True victims do not want to be victims, and anyone constantly seeking a persecutor will eventually settle on you. This  happens only once her constant need to manipulate through false victimisation no longer succeeds.

Two. The deep connection relationships work toward take years and anyone claiming such things happen in weeks or even months is rushing for a reason which has nothing to do with you. Cohabitation, marriage and children are practical responsibilties and should not be rushed.

Three. When you think they are lying they are lying. The push and pull may well be a cover for cheating, somehow justified by your temporary separation. Things that don't make sense, are not true. Accusations are projections, born of guilt and self hate.

Four. Do not fall for the "bad men exist and are everywhere" cliche. The ex's were not abusive, and even though they may have nothing in common with you they all felt a need to love and help someone who made them their knight in shining armour.

Five: you are not a knight in shining armour, you are an idiot! She did not and does not need your help and thinking post breakup she still needs your love and support is only further indulging the 'hero' she made you out to be, which was her entire game plan. You are not her hero, stop playing the role she cast you in!

Six: watch very closely how she speaks to and treats her children, and how she manages their relationship to their father. Children do not need to be pulled into that often troubled dynamic, and if the kids resent there mum it's for a reason.

Seven: they know when the game is up before you do, because they have lied to you too much for too long. They will not be able to sustain the charade, it's best they start again with whoever they have ready to take your place. They will not separate without another option to instantly attach to. If you left you may well have been pushed to make way for your replacement. expert manipulators

Eight: your mum was probably borderline or emotionally chaotic, you may well have seen her very upset many times as a child and either been the target of her emotion or felt acutely helpless to save her. Do not relive that experience feeling you can handle it now, because it was never about you.

Nine: you have always felt drawn to 'troubled' women because of your mother's emotionality and your experience of it. It is crucial you change this! Your low self esteem got you into this mess and that is a BPD trait.

Ten: BPD's most base feature is a lack of personal identity. Relationships are the place pwBPD think they can find themselves, and the relationship validates their self worth. The relationship was what they wanted not the person, that could be anyone. One that works will involve abuse, codependency will make them very happy.

That lack of a sense of self, is a chaotic and intensely scary thing. They do not know what they are doing and when they do its usually only to try and cover over the mistakes they made which cause them great shame and regret. You can't be a victim when your a lying cheating manipulative control freak, and when faced with that contradiction accountability may well lead to self harm or suicide. Too scary when you have no identity to forgive yourself or develop.

Pity this weakness, feel sorry for it and see the lack of closure as the proof of its existence. No healthy person does terrible things to people that love them and then discards them without explaination or conscience. Such an act is self destructive, and not rational.

I hope you all feel better soon

[Justbecause]

A BPD waif fits my ex with a textbook accuracy.

It is hard to explain the brutality of someone who played such a vulnerable and victimised role, only to treat you so badly. The pain is almost consuming, but it forces you to learn or be devoured by it.

Lesson one. True victims do not want to be victims, and anyone constantly seeking a persecutor will eventually settle on you. This  happens only once her constant need to manipulate through false victimisation no longer succeeds.

Two. The deep connection relationships work toward take years and anyone claiming such things happen in weeks or even months is rushing for a reason which has nothing to do with you. Cohabitation, marriage and children are practical responsibilties and should not be rushed.

Three. When you think they are lying they are lying. The push and pull may well be a cover for cheating, somehow justified by your temporary separation. Things that don't make sense, are not true. Accusations are projections, born of guilt and self hate.

Four. Do not fall for the "bad men exist and are everywhere" cliche. The ex's were not abusive, and even though they may have nothing in common with you they all felt a need to love and help someone who made them their knight in shining armour.

Five: you are not a knight in shining armour, you are an idiot! She did not and does not need your help and thinking post breakup she still needs your love and support is only further indulging the 'hero' she made you out to be, which was her entire game plan. You are not her hero, stop playing the role she cast you in!

Six: watch very closely how she speaks to and treats her children, and how she manages their relationship to their father. Children do not need to be pulled into that often troubled dynamic, and if the kids resent there mum it's for a reason.

Seven: they know when the game is up before you do, because they have lied to you too much for too long. They will not be able to sustain the charade, it's best they start again with whoever they have ready to take your place. They will not separate without another option to instantly attach to. If you left you may well have been pushed to make way for your replacement. expert manipulators

Eight: your mum was probably borderline or emotionally chaotic, you may well have seen her very upset many times as a child and either been the target of her emotion or felt acutely helpless to save her. Do not relive that experience feeling you can handle it now, because it was never about you.

Nine: you have always felt drawn to 'troubled' women because of your mother's emotionality and your experience of it. It is crucial you change this! Your low self esteem got you into this mess and that is a BPD trait.

Ten: BPD's most base feature is a lack of personal identity. Relationships are the place pwBPD think they can find themselves, and the relationship validates their self worth. The relationship was what they wanted not the person, that could be anyone. One that works will involve abuse, codependency will make them very happy.

That lack of a sense of self, is a chaotic and intensely scary thing. They do not know what they are doing and when they do its usually only to try and cover over the mistakes they made which cause them great shame and regret. You can't be a victim when your a lying cheating manipulative control freak, and when faced with that contradiction accountability may well lead to self harm or suicide. Too scary when you have no identity to forgive yourself or develop.

Pity this weakness, feel sorry for it and see the lack of closure as the proof of its existence. No healthy person does terrible things to people that love them and then discards them without explaination or conscience. Such an act is self destructive, and not rational.

I hope you all feel better soon

[valet]

Hey Justbecause, sounds like you're having a rough go of things. I've been there before too.

Lists are good and all. They help us remember and learn things. Their content, however, needs to be closely considered before ascribing lasting meaning to them.

You say that BPD is a weakness. I'd like to propose that instead, it's a complex mental illness. Nothing more and nothing less.

How does your ex's behavior make you feel when you take an honest look at it?

[Justbecause]

Hey Justbecause, sounds like you're having a rough go of things. I've been there before too.

Lists are good and all. They help us remember and learn things. Their content, however, needs to be closely considered before ascribing lasting meaning to them.

You say that BPD is a weakness. I'd like to propose that instead, it's a complex mental illness. Nothing more and nothing less.

How does your ex's behavior make you feel when you take an honest look at it?

Actually no, I'm the best I've been in a long time and it's the understanding that it's a complex mental illness which has led to that relief, but it does not excuse their behaviour. Imo

I did not mean to imply BPD is a weakness, I meant that failing to take responsibility for your actions is a weakness, and it's a serious one when other people are repeatedly affected them. I have huge sympathy, that was the mistake I think

How do I feel when I take an honest look at her behaviour? That has changed a great deal in the last year or so, probably went something like this: confused, traumatised, guilty, depressed, angry, hateful, disgusted, and lately pity, hopefully soon I'll be entertained by it. All those feelings though, if I'm honest, sit on top of a really profound sadness and regret

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JB,

It's certainly an emotional journey, isn't it?  What is it that you regret most?

Love and light x

[crushedagain]

Your list resonates with me, and your feelings I share. I go back and forth between sorrow, anger and pity lately. Sometimes I even find myself daydreaming about retribution, making her pay for the pain she inflicted on me - nothing bad, just a nasty email reading her the riot act or something. I would never do it, it's just my mind lashing out in pain.

They say it's best to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I'm not so sure that phrase works when the loved one was a BPDer. While I did have some great times with her, the pain far exceeds the pleasure in hindsight.

[Justbecause]

Hi JB,

It's certainly an emotional journey, isn't it?  What is it that you regret most?

Hi Harley,

 I have this part of me that regrets not loving her and marrying her in the time frame she needed, which is crazy I know. I really regret not trusting my instincts and finding out the truth while I had a chance to confront her with it.

It's the abuse and lack of closure, the change from victim waif to cold controlling monster. I regret ever being with her, I had absolutely no idea.

[ynwa]

I agree with Valet in a sense that BPD is not a weakness. It is a result of something they could not control.
We do not live in their heads and hearts.  We may have and still do live in their lives and see the way it controls them, and their total lack or ability to overcome it.

But.  what I think you were getting at, was a kind of mission statement? a way to move forward.

[Justbecause]

But.  what I think you were getting at, was a kind of mission statement? a way to move forward.

 I do not consider BPD a weakness, I can not deny I have love for my ex and great sympathy for the intense insecurity that drives her very bad decision making. I would happily endure this pain if it fixed her problems, a surface glance at her current life would suggest she is now incredibly happy, has found her soul mate and without me around is a successful and much more secure individual. That may very well be true

But, the lies and abuse of my trust and love, the paranoid and totally unfounded accusations and the deliberate destruction of my life are not acceptable. The inability to take responsibility for these mistakes is weak, and unless she accepts that I am quite sure she will do them again.

Yes it is a mission statement, and I am working very hard to use this experience for my development. Hard truths about me are being faced and I am determined to grow from this. I'm going to write a post about that now.

Thanks

[toomanydogs]

Hi Justbecause,
  Your list, even though my ex is male and my H, resonated with me. I agree that BPD is a complex mental illness, but as my two grown kids have told me repeatedly: "Regardless of a diagnosis an a***ole is still an a***ole."
  My H is not a waif, but he is a perpetual victim. My mistake was thinking that because I had struggled with PTSD and depression and came through it (with help, meds, and a whole lot of work), he would as well, so I was happy to let him lean on me initially, but it never stopped. He has no interest in getting better. He will not do the work, and I have been left with the mess.
  If any of you know the Alanis Morisette song, "You Oughta Know," that's about how I feel. He made a mess then left and just as always happens, everyone else is left to pick up the mess: His father, me, his whatever else.
  I have a deep, deep anger towards my soon-to-be ex. I did everything I possibly could, and he left. And he couldn't even take responsibility for that: he told his P and his father that he left because of an employee we had, who he maintained quit and then I rehired her, and that he is fearful to be around this woman.
  The truth? He left because he was cheating, he was high on marijuana, and he's an a****** (see above). I hate him. Doors are closed. He's never getting back in.
TMD

[limetaste]

I had a waif.

She gave me more love than any other female in this world has ever given me. Her feelings where true, suddenly they stopped. Why? Who knows. I've dated BPD's before, this waif was on another level, she loved me and was crazy about me. It took months for me to understand this and give her real love back.

What you're writing is true, in many ways, but it doesn't tell the whole picture. You're seeing them in a black/white perspective, okey? This is hypocritical, since the BPD often displays a black/white thinking. Get back to the gray zone-area, stay there.

Everything you talk about is true in some matter, but it doesn't TELL THE WHOLE PICTURE. You understand what I'm saying?

[crushedagain]

Hi Justbecause,
  Your list, even though my ex is male and my H, resonated with me. I agree that BPD is a complex mental illness, but as my two grown kids have told me repeatedly: "Regardless of a diagnosis an a***ole is still an a***ole."
  My H is not a waif, but he is a perpetual victim. My mistake was thinking that because I had struggled with PTSD and depression and came through it (with help, meds, and a whole lot of work), he would as well, so I was happy to let him lean on me initially, but it never stopped. He has no interest in getting better. He will not do the work, and I have been left with the mess.
  If any of you know the Alanis Morisette song, "You Oughta Know," that's about how I feel. He made a mess then left and just as always happens, everyone else is left to pick up the mess: His father, me, his whatever else.
  I have a deep, deep anger towards my soon-to-be ex. I did everything I possibly could, and he left. And he couldn't even take responsibility for that: he told his P and his father that he left because of an employee we had, who he maintained quit and then I rehired her, and that he is fearful to be around this woman.
  The truth? He left because he was cheating, he was high on marijuana, and he's an a****** (see above). I hate him. Doors are closed. He's never getting back in.
TMD

Hi, TMD. I can relate to your feelings of anger when you put forth all of the work and effort and were left with the mess and all the pain. I think it's pretty much the status quo with these people - they just move on to the next one and don't even consider the devastation and havoc they left in their wake. It's extremely disturbing.

[Justbecause]

Everything you talk about is true in some matter, but it doesn't TELL THE WHOLE PICTURE. You understand what I'm saying?

I do yes. I understand it's complex, while she was doing to me all these awful things, I could see had the guilt and the understanding of how much it would hurt me. So I sensed it was coming, but the gravity of what that meant made it terrifying.

I don't see all pwBPD as the same, but I feel I now finally know my waif. I know her better than I've ever known anyone, and she has to be black and white to me right now. The grey area is too confusing and contradictory.

I'm at a stage (9 months) where I can not make any more excuses for her, I need to see the things she did as what they are: forgivable I hope, but ultimately the end of our relationship. Despite any lingering feelings, I can never be with her again, it cannot be forgotten.