BPD mom, marriage problems, need guidance

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 26, raised by my mom (whom I suspect has BPD) and my dad. They are best friends and have been together since they were seventeen. My dad has worked abroad for a long time so they have lived essentially separate lives for a decade now, even though they're very close and talk constantly. Things between them have been bad for a while - bickering, broad incompatibilities, verbal abuse from my mom - but now that I only come home once or so a year, and have built a life with kind people who don't do this kind of thing, I realise just how terrible it is.

She's verbally and emotionally abusive to him, constantly, as she was to me when we lived together during my teen years, which were very rough. I wanted nothing except to move away, and I'm just recovering from depression and feeling happy in my own skin. They barely look at each other now, as they both know that any tiny mundane thing (like asking for the remote) will trigger an episode. My dad has gotten used to enabling my mom and refusing to admit there's a problem. He absolutely adores her and would never admit there's anything wrong; in fact, he often witnessed her threatening to kill me and did nothing (I don't hold it against him. I know he loves me and that it's hard on him too).

I know it's not my problem, but I can't help but feel distraught and wanting to do something. Neither of them has friends or hobbies, no support system. My mom doesn't even work. They are well off and could be so, so happy... .but instead they spend their lives being miserable - him looking sad and exhausted, her shrieking and yelling all day. I just wanna grab them by the shoulders and tell them to get it together! Make plans! Find what makes you happy! Break up if you need to!

She'll never see a therapist, although she's mentioned a couples' therapist, but they live in different countries. I have tried to talk to my dad, but he's gotten to the point where he just shuts down and it kills me to see him bottle everything inside. I know deep down he know this isn't normal, and I'm afraid he's accepted the abuse. I just want them to be happy and okay, but they literally have no other perspective on this than mine, as they're so antisocial. Honestly, I'd prefer it if one of them just up and left at this point, instead of this sad resignation of being unhappy for the sake of being unhappy.

I don't know if I can make peace with not being able to do anything.

Also I'm gay and am afraid of coming out because it'll be a whole thing - less the gayness and more the "why did you lie to us, why didn't you say anything, why are you a bad daughter".

Happy holidays!

[slaterkinner]

I'm 26, raised by my mom (whom I suspect has BPD) and my dad. They are best friends and have been together since they were seventeen. My dad has worked abroad for a long time so they have lived essentially separate lives for a decade now, even though they're very close and talk constantly. Things between them have been bad for a while - bickering, broad incompatibilities, verbal abuse from my mom - but now that I only come home once or so a year, and have built a life with kind people who don't do this kind of thing, I realise just how terrible it is.

She's verbally and emotionally abusive to him, constantly, as she was to me when we lived together during my teen years, which were very rough. I wanted nothing except to move away, and I'm just recovering from depression and feeling happy in my own skin. They barely look at each other now, as they both know that any tiny mundane thing (like asking for the remote) will trigger an episode. My dad has gotten used to enabling my mom and refusing to admit there's a problem. He absolutely adores her and would never admit there's anything wrong; in fact, he often witnessed her threatening to kill me and did nothing (I don't hold it against him. I know he loves me and that it's hard on him too).

I know it's not my problem, but I can't help but feel distraught and wanting to do something. Neither of them has friends or hobbies, no support system. My mom doesn't even work. They are well off and could be so, so happy... .but instead they spend their lives being miserable - him looking sad and exhausted, her shrieking and yelling all day. I just wanna grab them by the shoulders and tell them to get it together! Make plans! Find what makes you happy! Break up if you need to!

She'll never see a therapist, although she's mentioned a couples' therapist, but they live in different countries. I have tried to talk to my dad, but he's gotten to the point where he just shuts down and it kills me to see him bottle everything inside. I know deep down he know this isn't normal, and I'm afraid he's accepted the abuse. I just want them to be happy and okay, but they literally have no other perspective on this than mine, as they're so antisocial. Honestly, I'd prefer it if one of them just up and left at this point, instead of this sad resignation of being unhappy for the sake of being unhappy.

I don't know if I can make peace with not being able to do anything.

Also I'm gay and am afraid of coming out because it'll be a whole thing - less the gayness and more the "why did you lie to us, why didn't you say anything, why are you a bad daughter".

Happy holidays!

[Panda39]

Hi slaterkinner,

Welcome to the BPD Family   and Merry Christmas!     

I'm so glad you've decided to jump in and post.  It sounds tough watching the dysfunctional dance your parents are doing and not be able to fix it.  I hear how much you care about them and want them to be happy.   It sounds like there are lots of layers to what is going on between them.

Are you receiving any Therapy for yourself?  That might be a place to start, talk things through and get support from a professional in terms of your family dynamics. 

I'm not sure you will be able to do anything for your parents.  They are adults, you can't make someone else do something they don't want to do, the only people we can truly change are ourselves.

Only they can change their behaviors, as much as you love them and want to make everything all better for them, they have to see the problem, want to change/fix the problem, and then they have to do the work.  You can't do it for them. I'm sorry I sound like "negative Nellie" I'm not trying to tell you that things are hopeless only that you are responsible for yourself, your behaviors, your choices, your feelings etc. You are not responsible for your adult parents and their happiness or unhappiness.

I want to share some information on Codependency the Karpman Drama Triangle that you might find helpful. 

Codependency

Involves putting others needs before your own, excessive people pleasing, poor boundaries, martydom, and control issues.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Do you see how you might be playing the role of rescuer (or possibly other roles) on the Triangle?

Karpman Triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I'd like to also point out the box to the right each item is a link to more information.  When you have the time you might want to click on the links in the "Lessons" category.
 
I hope I have provided some food for thought, and know other members will be along (maybe a little slower because of the holiday  )with their own insights, comments and ideas.

Take Care,
Panda39