Still struggling to move on from messy relationship

[araneina]

We broke up about 2 months ago  - he was moving to a different state and although I was willing to move with him, he said he needed to work on his life and do things by himself for a while.  Well, we had a smattering of contact after I found out he was in a long distance "thing" with a new girl within DAYS of us breaking up (he knew this girl while we were dating, so I'm assuming he at least emotionally cheated).  Then we went NC for about 3 weeks.

About 2 weeks ago I moved to a new state for a new job.  The EXACT day I showed up in my new city he called me (I didn't pick up).  I texted him and told him to please leave me be.  He proceeded to apologize profusely for doing this (first time he ever really apologized to me for anything) and ask if I've been sending him some vile texts under a different phone number - he showed me screenshots of them, they were awful.  I was so insulted... .I just told him no and to not contact me again.  He said he was "losing his sanity," over this but apologized again and said he was changing his number and would never bother me again.

I did NOT want him to be part of my new life, but ever since then I can't stop thinking about him.  I've relapsed and looked at him and his new gf's facebook pictures and all I can think about is how MAD I am - but at the same time how much I miss him.  I dream about him; he's often the first thing I think of when I wake up... .it's frustrating.  I also can't help having thoughts like "How long did he know this girl while we were together?" "Why is he willing to do long distance with her but not with me?"  I am completely aware that our relationship was toxic and that he's incapable of a healthy relationship, but still... I miss the high of him.

What is it with these people and their hold over us?  I've never had so much difficulty getting over someone!  

[Bo123]

Ouch.  Sounds like a mess.  Long distance relationships I think are generally almost always considered a bad idea, exceptions yes.  Yeah and why did he not want you to move with him?  That girl, likely.  Those vile emails under a different #, another girl?  You admit he was toxic for you and now you are apart, in many ways that's ideal, but those feelings can be oh so painful, constant and yeah, even dreams.  The only time he apologized was for this, hhhmmmm.  Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.  Time will change your viewpoint and feelings for the better I believe.  Wishing you the best of luck.

[araneina]

I just wish I'd been able to be more angry with him when he accused me of the texts.  I was just so horrified that he'd think that of me that I couldn't.  I wish I'd told him off instead of being so damn nice.  When I accused him of cheating he got super nasty with me - he denied it of course, but not before saying some terrible things about me.  This is the worst relationship I've ever been in... .it was fantastic at first and I had some of the best times in my life with him, but for the majority of it I was miserable.  I don't understand why I miss him so much.

[araneina]

In all honesty (and I'm just thinking aloud here) I think I would have had a much easier time letting go of the relationship if I didn't know he'd hooked up with a new girl so quickly.  We moved to different states -  a relationship between us just wasn't in the cards.  But the fact that he clearly lied to me about his reasons for leaving me, that he'd very likely cheated on me emotionally (at the very least)... .it just makes me feel sick.  Maybe I'm not so much mourning him as I am just hurting from his quick relationship turnover.