Agh, It’s My Brother

[HQP]

Hello, thanks for being there. The stress of dealing with my brother is making me sick. We are in our 60s. For years, he has been in the habit of verbally exploding at me when he feels threatened, “less than,” vulnerable, who knows. Once it was because I suggested putting a dry erase board in the kitchen at our vacation house so we could jot down grocery items.  Things have seriously escalated since we jointly inherited the much beloved vacation house from our mother. We have to sell it for financial reasons, but he wants to get maximum $ for it and I would like to protect the land from being cut up for development. Diametrically opposed desires. This has us both stressed out.  Over the summer, after another blowup, I confronted him in person and said that I wouldn’t put up with being treated that way any longer. He was very gracious and thanked me for calling him out. However, the blowups only got worse.  The last time he blew up at me (it was over a piece of furniture of our mothers that he’d just agreed I could have) we were at the family storage unit. He started raging and hitting things, and I quickly left.  This was the first time I felt he might hurt me physically.  After a lot of thought, I wrote him a letter telling him that I cannot see him any longer socially. (We continue to commUnicate re family business.) i also asked him to go into therapy with me. To my sorrow, but no great surprise, he hasn’t responded to me. I ran into his wife a week ago and learned  that she didn’t know I had written to him. I wonder, with Christmas coming up, just how he is going to explain the absence of my family to her.   Ugh, I’ve got hives and I feel constantly nauseous.  I feel so helpless! If it weren’t for my vested interest in the vacation property, I could, with sorrow,  write him off. I’m doing all I can to care for myself !  Anyway just wanted to introduce myself. Thank you !

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome HQP!   

Thank you for joining our family and for telling us a bit of your story.  How stressful it is to have to deal with family after a loved one has passed, especially when there is suspected dysfunction. The loss of a loved one is enough in and of itself. Then to add the squabbles over inheritance issues only adds to the burden in a way so wounding and hurtful. I am so sorry. Holidays only add to the load.

You mentioned T. Have you started yet? I hope you are able to find someone who is familiar with BPD. I see a T on a regular basis who is helping me work through what I experienced as a child of an uBPDm. It certainly has helped me a lot, and they can often see things which we cannot.

I think you are doing a good thing by some of the actions you took such as leaving the area, speaking to him about his behavior, and setting up space between you. While it is hard to do, you do need to take care of yourself above and beyond the demands and obligations you feel he puts upon you. Self care is very important, especially to help you recoup emotionally and physically.

Have you read any books about BPD? Do you suspect that is what he may have or has he been diagnosed with it?

Please jump right in to reading other posts and offering your opinion and thoughts too. We are family here and support one another because we understand.

 
Wools