Family explodes before Christmas

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I grew up in a family in which my parents made scapegoats out of certain siblings and in-laws, in spite of the fact that these relatives did endless nice things for the family and were especially kind to me.  For years I have ignored how my two siblings and mother start hating on me all of sudden, or just blow-up over nothing. They often talk badly about me behind my back, and say things that are often not true or badly misconstrued. They never have been able to apologize or have any awareness of how these behaviors affect others. All three of them have have been very generous at different times.
In early November, I called my brother and arranged to visit at my mom's house over Christmas. (My brother is my mother's caregiver, which is ironic as he avoided her for years, which is understandable due to all the abuse he suffered.) As we do every year, he told me which days it would be convenient to take me to and from the airport.  I made my reservations, and called a few days later to let him know, and he blew up and said he would not pick me up at the airport. Through my sister, I have learned that he does not want me to stay at my mother's house at all and there seems to be no real explanation as to why.  I usually do all the decorating and arrangements for Christmas, which does not seem to matter to my siblings at all, though mom is very upset I am not coming.  I am stuck with a nonrefundable ticket, and cannot afford 10 days of lodging and car rental. I finally did some reading, and realized that my mother, sister, and brother easily meet the criteria for high functioning borderlines. I am grieving over the healthy relationship I will never be able to have with my mom, and two siblings. I realize I have to set better boundaries, and limit my contact with them. This is all very sad, and as I have no other close relatives in my immediate family, as my other brother and father are deceased. (They were not borderlines, though we did have to work out our differences at times.) Thank you for reading my post. I am open to constructive feedback.

[zachira]

I grew up in a family in which my parents made scapegoats out of certain siblings and in-laws, in spite of the fact that these relatives did endless nice things for the family and were especially kind to me.  For years I have ignored how my two siblings and mother start hating on me all of sudden, or just blow-up over nothing. They often talk badly about me behind my back, and say things that are often not true or badly misconstrued. They never have been able to apologize or have any awareness of how these behaviors affect others. All three of them have have been very generous at different times.
In early November, I called my brother and arranged to visit at my mom's house over Christmas. (My brother is my mother's caregiver, which is ironic as he avoided her for years, which is understandable due to all the abuse he suffered.) As we do every year, he told me which days it would be convenient to take me to and from the airport.  I made my reservations, and called a few days later to let him know, and he blew up and said he would not pick me up at the airport. Through my sister, I have learned that he does not want me to stay at my mother's house at all and there seems to be no real explanation as to why.  I usually do all the decorating and arrangements for Christmas, which does not seem to matter to my siblings at all, though mom is very upset I am not coming.  I am stuck with a nonrefundable ticket, and cannot afford 10 days of lodging and car rental. I finally did some reading, and realized that my mother, sister, and brother easily meet the criteria for high functioning borderlines. I am grieving over the healthy relationship I will never be able to have with my mom, and two siblings. I realize I have to set better boundaries, and limit my contact with them. This is all very sad, and as I have no other close relatives in my immediate family, as my other brother and father are deceased. (They were not borderlines, though we did have to work out our differences at times.) Thank you for reading my post. I am open to constructive feedback.

[Turkish]

Your brother is obviously causing drama.  Do you think you will get blamed if you stay home,  even if you eat the cost of the ticket? Like,  he caused this,  but blame you not for coming. 

Do you have a read on how much of this might come from him and how much from your mom?

[OptimismRules]

Sounds like a tough situation but since your brother did not tell you he doesn't want to staying at your mom's house directly, I'd either check with your mom (maybe she is glad you are coming) or confirm with your brother the days you are staying and see if he doesn't want you to stay (is that really his call anyway)

You can uber to the house (cheaper than eating the ticket).   But you know the family dynamic and know what you're getting into.  So based on past history and interactions you should have some idea of what is likely to be like and how dramatic/traumatic for you.  You are closest to the family situation and should have some insight as to whether it's better to go or not go.   You can probably trust your instincts.   Good luck.