BPD Wife Won't Talk to Me Unless its Something that Benefits HER -- or a DEMAND

[LivingWBPDWife]

 

Hello there -- this is a really simple problem that I am sure most have with their BPDs. I am simply trying to survive my wife for the sake of our 3 year old, and getting in a huge divorce, custody battle with a BPD is not something I can deal with right now. My BPD is a stay at home mom, but she doesn't want the job. She has a huge swatch of addictive personality, so she ping pongs from one thing to the next. Her latest is social media fashion blogger. She has ran credit cards up to $20K at 30%+ interest, along with her mom and grandmother funding her. They are basically throwing gasoline on a fire. This is the longest she has done "something", usually things last 1-6 months, most of her ideas are "get rich quick" schemes.

The point of having a baby was to be a mom, stay at home and take care of her. My wife refuses to go back to work, and basically sits on social media 8-12 hours a day, she buys clothes, puts them on, takes pics, posts on instagram every day, and if she doesn't get enough LIKES -- its hell to pay.

I work 7 days a week to support us, I work at home, always have, I have a home lab, am a computer scientist and engineer. So, I help with the baby, now toddler 24/7. I have to remind my wife to feed her, brush her teeth, you name it. My wife is just non-stop on social media, this is the worst I have seen her, and her BPD just makes this 100X worst.

My problem is simple -- I can't run a household like this, we BOTH have to contribute, if I can't get my work done, we will loose our home, etc. But, at the same time, my baby daughter suffers if I don't constantly take up the slack.

That said, I can't talk to my wife at all -- EVERY TIME I ask her ANYTHING, she immediately explodes, goes into a rage, leave me alone, I will be done with the phone in a minute, etc.

Bottom line, I have to talk to her. 99% of the time simply to ask her if she did something, since if I don't it doesn't get done.

Sometimes, I will just do all her chores, but this is EXACTLY what her mom and dad DO/DID, they cave into her rages, and just do it, instead of deal with her pouting.

Anyway, I have tried all the tricks; SET, this and that, tone, eye contact, you name it. This girl simply won't talk unless SHE initiates it and its a demand, she comes in the room, nice voice, "uhhhhmmmm -- can you BLANK for ME?" and if I say no, or later, or when I am done working, she explodes, again, I have to pick my fights here. But, most of her demands end up with me watching the baby for hours while I should be working -- most of the time so she can go do photoshoots of herself to post on instagram or take clothes back.

How can you live with something BPD or not, that you can't talk to, ask questions, etc? And anyone that has found any tricks or techniques I would like to know.

My wife will get on social media at 8am, and at 2-3pm she finally stops to feed our starving daughter. I come out and say, has she eaten yet? NO SHE HASN'T I AM ALMOST DONE, GIVE ME A MINUTE! Of course, she has had 100's of minutes and breakfast was hours ago, so I end up feeding the baby, sitting with her, and not getting work done.

Any question results in the same thing, instant anger, instant rage, and excuses, as if I am asking for something unreasonable. Just like today, my wife has 20-30 boxes in the garage from clothes, I told her last week to please crush them so the recycling can take them, she refused to do it, day after day, now today, last day, I tell her at 3-4pm, please crush the boxes and place them outside, she says "I WILL LATER, I AM BUSY NOW" -- of course, she is on the phone. Finally, at 10pm, I get her to get off the phone and take the baby to bed (another impossible thing to get her to do each night), and she STILL hasn't taken the boxes out, so I tell her, please get off your phone and take care of this.

Bottom line BPDs are like teenagers, you all have experienced this, and I can't talk to my 35 year old wife without her having a tantrum. And the sad part is she has like 3-4 chores a day and she can't do them! They take a whole of 1-2 hours, make breakfast for baby, make dinner, give baby a bath, etc. Then the other 12-14 hours a day she has for social media and instagram, its pathetic, she literally does NOTHING, but play with social media. So, I have to take extra time to read and play with daughter on top of my normal time I allocate to her. I would LOVE to spend all day playing with my daughter, but I MUST work -- but my wife by lack of doing anything that doesn't benefit herself, forces me to do things I shouldn't be doing.

And I can't talk to her, I have tried 1000 times, sitting, standing, texting, emails, you name it, starting with different phrases, it just doesn't register. But, I say "honey, you want to go shopping?" and she lites up like an xmas tree --

I say honey will you please spend some time reading to our daughter, she practically has a fit, rolls her eyes, stomps off, same if I ask her to do anything for me -- LOL, I can't remember the last time my BPD wife has done anything for me without wanted something... .pathetic.

Sorry for the long post -- but, I know questions trigger BPDs, I know they hate hearing "we need to talk", or "can I talk to you", but frankly I am SOO tired of living with a 12 year old, I have read so many books, tried so many things, and its like she is  "Super BPD" I need to find her kyrptonite, anything just to be able to talk to her and ask questions or get her to pull 1/10th of her weight around here.

Frustrated with a capital F.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flourdust]

Taking the big picture view of your situation, I see three issues:

1) Your child isn't getting her basic needs met by her mom.

2) You are trying to solve #1 by being both the SAHD and the full-time breadwinner, but this may cause your family's finances to crash and burn.

3) Your wife is consumed by addictive but non-remunerative "jobs" that cause her to overspend.

As a short-term solution, can you fix this by hiring a nanny or putting your child in day care? Overrule your wife on this, no matter how much she dysregulates. If this will bust your budget, clamp down on non-essential expenditures, especially your wife's spending on her get rich quick schemes.

Don't worry about the cardboard boxes or how much money her family gives her to fritter away, but stop the bleeding in your own finances, make sure you can keep your own job, and make sure your kid is being taken care of.

This is step one. What do you think?

[LivingWBPDWife]

I have cut her off long ago. But, its the TIME she puts into everything. The addiction makes running the house impossible. So, she is getting money from her parents etc. for these businesses that loose money, but my wife is just up/down hour to hour, makes working for me impossible. She has BK'ed us basically, since the stress in the house is very hard to work in. I have 3 labs built into my home, I have been working at home since I was 19, my company is out of my house. Under normal circumstances, I walk in my lab, work, come out, etc. Get things done, this has worked my whole life. But, with a BPD wife constantly coming and making demands, banging on the door (yes, I have tried locking it), or my little daughter screaming for attention like a bomb is going off and I have to deal with it -- it makes everything a challenge.

Projects that used to take 6 months (my normal cycle) are taking 2-3 years now.

Today she is going to a "cookie" party and she is violently angry and raging because they aren't turning out right -- and blaming me that she can't pay attention to the cookies since she keeps playing on social media.

I just need her to find another "job" that isn't so negative, why can't she become addicted to playing with our daughter, or spending time with her... .

[flourdust]

What about getting a nanny or day care?

[LivingWBPDWife]

Can't afford it -- And I got a nanny last year to help my wife out, of course this is an oxymoron, since she has nothing, but free time. But, as the nanny would come over for 4 hours, my wife used the time not to clean, cook, help me, etc. it was just MORE time for social media WITHOUT my daughter. So, I was paying a woman, so my wife could play with social media MORE. I refuse to enable her behavior any more than I have to. This is what her family has done for 35 years. When she refused to do her homework, instead of grounding her, etc. her MOM did her papers, homework, etc. which I found out after having conversations about basic knowledge that my wife doesn't know about -- I was like "how did you get thru high school and college like this?" -- "MY MOM DID MY HOMEWORK MOST THE TIME" --

So, I am not going to spend more money to have my wife spend more time on social media, and secondly, IMO its not a good idea for the development of children to be taken care of by other "parent" figures at a young age, I think this is the ONE damn job we have as parents and adults, and I won't pawn it off to strangers. My wife is a SAHM, I want / need her to do it, simple as that, but as a BPD she gains no validation from this, and she has no interest in it now.

[flourdust]

Let me try to simplify this again. You’ve expressed three needs.

1. You need to keep your job.

2. You need someone to do child care. Right now, this is you, but it is jeopardizing your job.

3. You need your wife to change all her habits and become the person who will do child care.

You can’t continue doing #2 and also succeed with #1. And #3 is out of your control. I hear that you don’t like the idea of a nanny or day care, that they go against your image of what a family should be like. I humbly suggest that you don’t have the luxury of that kind of thinking. Do you see another option that can actually happen?

[LegioXX Victrix]

Priorities.

1. Your child cannot be neglected... .your wife is in dangerous water right now.
2. keep your employment and get a therapist involved quickly.
3. See if you can get your support network to help ensure iG the child’s needs are being met.

[isilme]

flourdust has it in a  nutshell:

Let me try to simplify this again. You’ve expressed three needs.

1. You need to keep your job.

2. You need someone to do child care. Right now, this is you, but it is jeopardizing your job.

3. You need your wife to change all her habits and become the person who will do child care.

You can’t continue doing #2 and also succeed with #1. And #3 is out of your control. I hear that you don’t like the idea of a nanny or day care, that they go against your image of what a family should be like. I humbly suggest that you don’t have the luxury of that kind of thinking. Do you see another option that can actually happen?

Your W is going to get mad if you change her status.  So, keeping her happy or even calm is not really a concern.  No matter what you do, she's going to yell and throw a tantrum.  So her mood/complacency is not really a factor in making a decision here. 

You are acting as a de facto single parent.  You need to accept this, and stop looking at your wife as someone who will in any way contribute (at this time) to a solution to your problems.  It's sad, but this is a fact of being in a BPD relationship.  Yes, ultimately, you need to find a place where she can step up to the plate and help out, but in the meantime, you and your child need to simply survive and find a way to thrive IN SPITE of your wife.  At this time, you have a teenage roommate who uses resources but does little more. 

I live as if I am single as far as making sure our house is afloat.  In periods when H is in good mental health, this works great as he helps as much as his emotional disabiltiies allow.  In periods of poor mental health, I'm more tired, but all in all still okay, as things are not crashing down around me as I never put it on him to assist in the frist place.  I take what is he is able to do and do not ask for much more, usually.  He has some severe adulting limitations (he HAS improved over the past decade, but it's a slow climb and I can't let us be destitute in that period).  I have accepted his limitations, made up my mind I am sticking with him in psite of them, and that means I have accepted the additional responsbilities I am chooseing to shoulder by staying with him.

You are a dad.  You need your job.  You W at this time is a tertiary concern.  Imagine what you'd need to do if she was 100% gone - then act accordingly.  She is choosing not to participate in the family and household jobs.  If she had passed away suddenly, or moved off and left you alone with the child - what would you do?  Think of this mindset.  You cannot control her, change her mind, convince her she's being silly with this obsession on social media.  All you can do is protect you and your daughter physically, emotionally, and financially.

Churches.  They can be a good resource for mental and physical care, often free of charge.  They can put you in touch with counselors.  They may be able to offer some form of childcare so you can work. 

Secular counselors are also often free, or can understand income limitations, and may also be able to suggest local childcare solutions. 

I refuse to enable her behavior any more than I have to. T

At this point it's not enabling - you have to find a line between making a stand against your W and allowing your daughter to go unfed for hours because your W is rebelling against being a  mom.

At this point, you cannot and should not expect your W to do anything.  She wants that fight, she wants a reason to yell at you.  She is being a child and shirking responsibility so she can yell at you.  BPD makes a person full of internal negative emotions, and they seek out ways to express them while blaming them on others closet to them.  Telling her to do things, lets her lick a fight.  Asking her about t5higns she KNOWS she should do, allows her to pick a fight.  This is enabling her to be dysfunctional.  The message she kinda needs right now is "I can do this with or without you.  You are are telling me through actions you don't care if it's without you."  Don't say it.  SHOW it.  Actions speak far louder than words to a pwBPD.  Only YOU as the responsible adult can change the dynamic in the house, and that's not going to happen by expecting HER to change.  YOU have to change. Change how you react, how you communicate, how you allow her to needle you, and what you expect of her.  See her as an emotional paraplegic addicted to some sort of opioid, and you can imagine how her emotions are just as disabling as a physical ailment.   You can't expect someone wheelchair bound to be painting ceilings.  You are asking her to do the emotional equivalent of painting the Sistine Chapel when she's in traction. 

You are exhausted, and I know this is not what you want.  But it really is the best you can do for your daughter - find some childcare solutions that do NOT require your W.  Find a way to get some self-care in there where you can get some rest. 

There is no magical mantra that will get through to your W in an afternoon-special-made-for-tv-movie kinda of way.

I will hazard a guess that your W is having trouble dealing with motherhood and would rather revert back to adolescence to avoid it.  She may feel ugly, like pregnancy damaged her body, like she is suddenly aging, that she is dying (my H gets like that - any physical change means he will die soon).  She can't handle this.  This is not an excuse for her behavior, it's just stark reality.  Her feelings = her facts, and she feels that social media is the most important thing for her psyche at this time.

All of us on here are working on how WE react to our loved ones, building internal boundaries to protect ourselves (and if applicable, children) from how our emotionally disabled partners can act and react.  You HAVE to protect your daughter daily from neglect, and your household finances as best as you can.

[LivingWBPDWife]

@isilme - this is really where I am now. I WANT her to be a certain way, but that's not the reality. So, I am a SAHD and a single parent and have been for a long time. Another friend of mine has a BPDw, she is much more violent than mine, cops, arrests, drugs, but he said something that hit home and parallels the reality with them -- he said,

"my wife is nothing more than a disinterested baby sitter, that sometimes will watch our baby, other times she is doing her thing and could care less"

This is how it is -- But, the one thing even after acting as if I live alone is there is no escape from her coming in and hounding me with demands. If I don't give in she is happy to sit there 1 hour and ask 1000 times, like a 2 year old. If I was her dad, I would take to her room and lock the door until she cooled off, but I can't touch her.

Anyway, I have emotionally detached from our marriage a long time ago, she is cold as hell, and hates me. But, what I have been trying to maintain is her interest and connection with our little daughter, I guess I have to let this go, and as my friend said, think of my wife as an unwilling baby sitter once in a while.

I am trying to do a home equity loan to make up for lost revenue this year, I am toying with the idea of getting a live in nanny that takes care of our daughter most of the day, free room, board, food, etc. so I can get some work done... .

Finally, I have been dropping hints that I dare her to see a therapist, if she is fine then they will agree, and you will win, so what do you have to loose? She agreed and went last week. I vetted therapist for a couple weeks, called, read reviews, etc. found a "specialist in BPD" -- we will see how this goes. The therapist met her once and now wants me to come in next time with her, I am fine with this, but I hope my BPDw hasn't already manipulated her into thinking she is the mom/wife of the year. But, I would imagine with 20 years experience in DBT and BPDs she knows the tricks. But, I hear countless NONs talk about their horror stories sending their BPDs to therapists that didn't know what they were doing.


We will see --

[isilme]

Living,

I know this sounds fatalistic, and it's not a happy thing, to have to accept that AT THIS TIME you W is not going to be much help or much of a mother.

This does not mean she can NEVER improve.  It just means your survival and her improvement need to be on parallel paths, not dependent on each other, for now.

Pestering you - it works, so she does it.  You need to develop a way to manage that either before it starts, or right at the beginning.  I am sure at times you are working when she does it - I think (if possible) a locked door (as long as the baby is in a safe place, possibly with you) may be the only thing you can try.  I try to leave the room or if possible, the house.  It's not always possible, but it's what needs to be done to give you some peace.  It will ramp up, likely, and then hopefully the extinction burst will happen and the "new" normal will set in.  Maybe ask the T about some ways you can try to implement this.

It's good to be cautious about the T, as BPD is a manipulative condition that often relies on victimhood to be right.  And sadly in our society, far too many women can easily convince others THEY are the victim when it's not really the case.  But since you are aware of this potential, you may be able to head it off at the pass.

The loan and nanny are a good step.  You need that time to work - if your W balks, YOU'RE the one taking care of it, so just add it to the list of things she will complain about but her complaints can't be a call to action.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this, especially at this time of year.  One way or another, you will find a way to make your lives better.

[walkinthepark247]

Hello Living,

You and I have many similarities to our stories (minus the blogging). Let me share something with you that has brought me a great deal of peace recently. I used to get so anxious about “fixing” my uBPD wife that it caused me great distress. Quite frankly, it began to consume me.

Recently, I have found a new therapist that has helped a great deal. After it became clear to him that I was fixated on finding a BPD "cure" for my wife, he simply told me that I should lower my expectations for my wife. I know that this is hard to accept. But, it has brought me a great deal of peace. I simply needed to accept the situation for what it is and focus on what I could change. Time spent on focusing on “fixing” my spouse was only driving me more anxious and depressed. The bitterness started to set in when I was constantly worried about “why won’t she just seek help?”.

When we lower our expectations for our uBPD partner, it frees us up to focus on what we can change. It’s given me a feeling of control that I previously did not have.

Don’t know if this helps, but it has sure helped me a lot.

[LivingWBPDWife]

I have definitely had success creating a new normal after changing rules on her, your comment:

" It will ramp up, likely, and then hopefully the extinction burst will happen and the "new" normal will set in."

Is very true with BPDs, they go nuts for a while then they give into the new norm.

The thing that pisses me off the most about all this is that having a baby should be the happiest time in your life, how can anyone be angry when they have this little bundle of love that is unconditional, but still a BPD finds a way to make this all a nightmare, by not pulling her weight -- but, 6 hours to do makeup, outfits, photos and post of instagram -- NOW THAT IS IMPORTANT -- 5 min to read a picture book, "I DON'T WANT TOO!" -- sigh... .

I just wish I had time to have a life outside of here, but I am so behind in work now, so stressed, even 1 hour to go work out makes me suffer later that day since I can't finish something.

I know the older my daughter gets, it will be easier and easier since my wife can't weaponize her so much -- for example, she used to not breast feed her if she was mad at me, "Well, fu... you, I won't feed her if you don't give me my way" -- what kind of piece of sh... human does that?  BPDs that's who.

But, I don't want my daughter to grow up fast, I want to enjoy her being a little girl, my wife is ruining this experience for everyone --

Sucks.