Agony from the guilt, uBPD mom

[Monarch72]

Hi, just remembered this site after days (again!) of exhaustion from feeling torn and guilt. Quickly: am a 45yo mum of two (both with autism), and have only in the last couple of years realized my mother (who I have always had a strained relationship with) is uBPD... .this through the comments of a close friend who is a psych nurse. I already moved overseas (from US to Australia) to get away from her but after several horrible trips home and her visits here, I went NC for a short time. Other family put pressure on me that I was being awful to her and she is suffering and I have no right to take her grandkids away etc. I relented and began sending her photos of the kids and very neutral, short updates on the kids. Sent her a very long letter venting about all the hurt she caused 2 years ago and she won't acknowledge any fault. Says it is me and I need to accept her the way she is. So, now we are in a pattern of my updating her on kids, and her emailing as though nothing ever happened. Friends say I should accept this new normal but I go from feeling resentful and angry (still) to feeling guilt every time someone tells me I'm selfish. This happened again at Xmas, a distant relative lectured me on how life is short, we need to forgive people etc etc. Made me feel like crap all over again and I am suffering so much this time with it. Prob need to find counseling again but in the meantime I guess I just needed to vent to people who would understand these feelings. Thanks for listening.

[Notwendy]

When one member of a family has a disorder, often the others take on roles on a way that keeps the family in balance, or they are enmeshed- or just have family patterns that tend to be "rules" ( for them, but not necessarily you).

When I began to have boundaries with my BPD mother, her FOO and my father ( when he was alive) tried to pull me back into the familiar and comfortable ( for them) patterns. One of them was that "mother was normal" so I was the problem and if only I complied with their wishes, all would be well again- we'd be a happy, normal family ( as it it ever was).

It is hard to imagine that my mother's FOO didn't have a clue about her issues. They also don't acknowledge that she was emotionally abusive to her children even though they had to wonder. I have received countless e mails from them telling me how wonderful my mother is.

I am not NC but I keep some emotional distance. She tells people I am "keeping her from her grandchildren". I had boundaries to protect them when they were younger but now they are older. We call at holidays and I send pictures, and sometimes we visit, but they are not comfortable around her.

The "drama (Karpman )triangle " has been helpful to me. My mother assumes "victim" mode. Her FOO takes on rescuer. This is how they perceive things. I can not change their perception. I have to also accept that I need to do what is best for me and my family.

It is hard not to feel guilty. This isn't the kind of relationship we would have if our mothers were not emotionally abusive, but we can not change them. Our society and moral codes emphasize respect for parents, but it is a tough line to walk with a BPD mother. I think there is some grief involved- but we also have to accept that this is the situation.

[Monarch72]

Thanks NotWendy. The triangle relationship certainly explains the family on her side, my Aunt and Uncle, her resucers. They see a completely different person to the one I have always known. I guess, I just need to accept her the way she is and keep distance as the way things are now.