Need advice re new r/s

[mitti]

Hi everybody,  

I have been away for a long time. I got over my uBPDexbf and started dating and felt life was exciting again after almost 9 years of the BPD dynamic.

So I met a man I really like. He is totally different to my ex in so many ways and it felt so much better. But there are issues because his last relationship was with a woman who seems to fit a lot of criteria for BPD and he seems to have a lot of fears that stem from what he has been through. I don't know all the details because what we have is really new, but it seems she was physically violent, cheated on him several times and created drama in public. The closer we have got the more I notice that he seems to want to make sure I am not going to turn out to be the same as his ex.

He has told me he feels he has not healed yet and may not be ready for anything new, I told him I am ok with that but then he is the one to move things further. He has also been a little back and forth with contact, when I don't hear from him for a couple of days and then other days contact is consistent. I don't like the inconsistency because I want to feel safe but I have not said anything, which I now think I ought to have. Now after we got closer and our contact resembling a r/s more and more, he has taken a big step back and cut contact through one channel but not the others where we are in touch. I have done nothing this time either, not asked, not contacted, not reacted. I know this way of handling it is some leftover fears from my r/s with my BPDex, to not dare to voice a concern for fear of abandonment.

I have decided that the healthiest thing to do is to let him know this hurt me, but not sure how to best do that. I don't want to blame but I want to authentically describe how his behaviour made me feel. And if we do speak again I want to let him know what I am not willing to continue if this is going to be how he handles his baggage.

So I am grateful for any suggestions how to best do this, it would be in writing.

I also wonder if anybody else recognise this from when you started dating again? Both my experience and his.

Thank you so much!

[Jeffree]

Mitti,

Welcome back, though I am sorry you're feeling confused and unsure about this new r/s.

I have to say my spidey senses are tingling about this new guy. But before I go there, may I ask if you have any corroborating evidence about his claims about his ex?

I am not suggesting you call her, stalk her, or anything of the sort.

I just hope you have some proof that he's not lying to you about the dynamics with his ex and this confusing claim that he's not ready, then pushing for more, then pulling back.

Also, how long has he been broken up with his ex?

Several of my encounters with "nons" have turned out to be with BPDs in non clothing.

Regardless, it might be helpful to learn how he coped with his ex when he was in this apparent BPD relationship.

The closer we have got the more I notice that he seems to want to make sure I am not going to turn out to be the same as his ex.


The statement above begs the ultimate question as to whether he can see you for you and not as his exBPD in your day-to-day transactions.

I'd ask you to go back to the age old exercise of reading back your post as if your best friend or favorite person in the world was asking you for advice about this situation they're in. What would you tell them?

I have decided that the healthiest thing to do is to let him know this hurt me, but not sure how to best do that.


I would use your usual form of communicating and make sure to use "I" statements such as... ."I felt hurt when you... ." All you can do is own your feelings and see how he reacts.

J

[araneina]

He has told me he feels he has not healed yet and may not be ready for anything new, I told him I am ok with that but then he is the one to move things further.

If there is ANYTHING I can take from my last relationship, it's this: believe what they tell you.  If you are desiring a relationship with someone, this man is telling you he can't give you that.  If you are comfortable remaining in the "what am I?" dynamic, then continue doing what you're doing.

[once removed]

He has told me he feels he has not healed yet and may not be ready for anything new, I told him I am ok with that but then he is the one to move things further. He has also been a little back and forth with contact, when I don't hear from him for a couple of days and then other days contact is consistent. I don't like the inconsistency because I want to feel safe but I have not said anything

its tricky going to get involved with someone who has not resolved a previous relationship. some relationships do get through it. a lot of times, one or both parties get hurt.

we talk here a lot about words vs actions. in this case, take the words at face value, because the actions align. hes wishy washy. its not inherently risky to date him if you lower your expectations. its risky to get caught up in his confusion and wishy washiness.

i dont think that voicing your concerns to him is going to have the outcome you desire. i suspect it will come off as clingy, and it might even get turned back around on you.

i think your attitude is the right one, and i dont think its necessary to communicate it, just act on it. i know im making it sound simple, but lower your expectations, and dont get caught up in the moves he makes, and if its not fulfilling to you, reconsider, which brings me to my next question:

what about this relationship is fulfilling for you? what do you like about him?

I also wonder if anybody else recognise this from when you started dating again?

sure. i chased a gal for a few months that was never going to go anywhere, and i was pretty over the top with how anxious i got. have you looked into your attachment style?

[valet]

How long has this relationship been going on?

Relationships evolve in stages. It might be helpful to figure out where you are so that you can better gauge your own expectations for yourself and this guy.

[mitti]

Mitti,

Welcome back, though I am sorry you're feeling confused and unsure about this new r/s.

I have to say my spidey senses are tingling about this new guy. But before I go there, may I ask if you have any corroborating evidence about his claims about his ex?

I am not suggesting you call her, stalk her, or anything of the sort.

I just hope you have some proof that he's not lying to you about the dynamics with his ex and this confusing claim that he's not ready, then pushing for more, then pulling back.

Also, how long has he been broken up with his ex?

Several of my encounters with "nons" have turned out to be with BPDs in non clothing.

Hi Jeffree, and thank you for your input and help.

I can understand that it sounds like there is a warning flag and there is one, but I don't think he has BPD but rather baggage from a relationship with a woman with those traits. Their relationship was on off for a couple of years and ended finally 6 months ago. So I realise that is not a long time and I can understand that he has healing to do still.

I don't really have any corroborating evidence about his ex. He and I live in different countries, which is one reason I am cool with us taking it really slow. But it is the way he talks about her and asking me straight out questions like how I handle conflict and do I ever throw a fit and throw things around me. He seems genuinely worried about this. It is hard to describe in detail but the way he talks about his past relationship is different to how my exBPDbf and BPD-friends I have had talk about other people that have had conflicts with. I have not asked him a lot of questions but what I have asked about he tells me, well he tells me anyway. He is talkative.

Regardless, it might be helpful to learn how he coped with his ex when he was in this apparent BPD relationship.

The closer we have got the more I notice that he seems to want to make sure I am not going to turn out to be the same as his ex.


The statement above begs the ultimate question as to whether he can see you for you and not as his exBPD in your day-to-day transactions.

I see what you mean but I think he can, I just basically think that he is worried in general to end up in that kind of relationship again, so of course there will be some triggers, nothing to do with me, but with a relationship type contact where he has had traumatic experiences in the past, so in that moment the situation could remind him of an event that led to some horrible drama or something. I have experiences like that where I can start to feel vigilant though I know he is a different person.

I'd ask you to go back to the age old exercise of reading back your post as if your best friend or favorite person in the world was asking you for advice about this situation they're in. What would you tell them?

I have decided that the healthiest thing to do is to let him know this hurt me, but not sure how to best do that.


I would use your usual form of communicating and make sure to use "I" statements such as... ."I felt hurt when you... ." All you can do is own your feelings and see how he reacts.

J

Thank you so much for your advice. I wrote a brief message with those type statements and I have now sent them to him.

[mitti]

If there is ANYTHING I can take from my last relationship, it's this: believe what they tell you.  If you are desiring a relationship with someone, this man is telling you he can't give you that.  If you are comfortable remaining in the "what am I?" dynamic, then continue doing what you're doing.

Yes, you are right. But it becomes tricky when they tell you so many things that are also contradictory. So it has been some of that saying one thing and then another and then going back on both and then back again. Not huge leaps but still. But one reason I have been fine with this is that partly it is very new and partly we live in different countries. I also don't know what this could become.

[mitti]

its tricky going to get involved with someone who has not resolved a previous relationship. some relationships do get through it. a lot of times, one or both parties get hurt.

we talk here a lot about words vs actions. in this case, take the words at face value, because the actions align. hes wishy washy. its not inherently risky to date him if you lower your expectations. its risky to get caught up in his confusion and wishy washiness.

i dont think that voicing your concerns to him is going to have the outcome you desire. i suspect it will come off as clingy, and it might even get turned back around on you.

i think your attitude is the right one, and i dont think its necessary to communicate it, just act on it. i know im making it sound simple, but lower your expectations, and dont get caught up in the moves he makes, and if its not fulfilling to you, reconsider, which brings me to my next question:

what about this relationship is fulfilling for you? what do you like about him?

sure. i chased a gal for a few months that was never going to go anywhere, and i was pretty over the top with how anxious i got. have you looked into your attachment style?

Hi once removed, and thank you for your input.

Yes, I find that I have for a while been thinking back and forth about what I want out of this and whether I can get it. I like him because we get on so well. I thought I clicked with my exBPDbf but it was so different with this guy, and not perfect either, , what I mean not all that mirroring but we just were ourselves. We just kept commenting on it too because it stood out to both of us. Neither one of us has felt that before with anybody. But that doesn't mean it is easy. One problem is that we live in different countries.

To be honest, I don't think I have told him I want a relationship, but only that I want to get to know him and us better. It's too new to tell what could be and the distance doesn't make that any easier. But this type of connection doesn't come around that often so that is the value for me, and for him.

The reason I want to tell him how I feel now is that I never do that with people I start having feelings for but I adopt this very compliant way of being where I avoid raising any concerns about any problems because I immediately fear this will lead to them leaving me. So I wait until I feel so miserable that it comes out of nowhere for them. So this is for me, I need to learn to communicate when something isn't working for me, or how circumstances make me feel.

I have sent him a brief message asking what happened and how it felt for me.

[mitti]

How long has this relationship been going on?

Relationships evolve in stages. It might be helpful to figure out where you are so that you can better gauge your own expectations for yourself and this guy.

Hi valet, it's very new only just around 2 months. Not sure what stage this is. My hope really is just to see what potential there is.

[once removed]

I have sent him a brief message asking what happened and how it felt for me.

howd it go?

[mitti]

UPDATE

He responded pretty much at once and apologised but said that he hadn't known how to deal with it and that he had got cold feet and that was why he blocked me. He left it kind of open-ended so I have no idea what that means, but I think it is just a part of the same pattern of being indecisive about what he wants from his contact with me. So he is avoiding any kind of final decision.

That is difficult enough but what I find so problematic and really hurtful is that he chose to block me, like for no other reason than he didn't want to deal with responsibility. He has told me that he blocked his ex but I assumed that was warranted considering what he had told me about her disordered behaviour. It could be true that she freaked him out so much he has chosen this cruel approach as soon as he feels unable to cope, but it could of course also be that this is him and not a a defence mechanism learned from his r/s with a BPD person. Either way I am not ok with this. I could be sympathetic to him needing time, but blocking and cutting off contact is cruel, and disturbing, especially towards a person like me whose BPDex would systematically use ST to punish me, hurt me and control me.

So regardless of why he chooses to act like this I see no future here now. He lacks empathy and maturity and I am not willing to be with a person who doesn't understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this.

I wrote him a longer response telling him how I feel. I do want some kind of reply but mostly because I want to know that he has read and will read all that I have to say to get him out of my system.

[valet]

Hi valet, it's very new only just around 2 months. Not sure what stage this is. My hope really is just to see what potential there is.

So, 2 months, long-distance. Both of your anxieties sound reasonable. It's early on and you're not physically able to be with each other. It's not an ideal way to start a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

What's the end game? Do you carry on the LDR indefinitely until you feel ready to make a decision, or have you had a frank conversation with him about where this is going?

[araneina]

I think your reaction/response is mature and level headed.  I too struggle with communicating my feelings in a relationship for fear of turning someone away, but I am trying to learn that I don't want to be with someone that I can't share my concerns with.

I'm sorry it ended up this way but at least you didn't get too invested in him before learning about his indecisiveness.

[once removed]

"we are moving too quickly, lets slow down" is cold feet.

blocking is dramatic, possibly attention seeking.

[mitti]

So, 2 months, long-distance. Both of your anxieties sound reasonable. It's early on and you're not physically able to be with each other. It's not an ideal way to start a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

What's the end game? Do you carry on the LDR indefinitely until you feel ready to make a decision, or have you had a frank conversation with him about where this is going?

No, definitely not ideal. We kind of just met for drinks and neither one of us expected that we would hit it off romantically, so yes a difficult situation. This is the reason I felt fine with taking it slow. I just can't the take back and forth and I definitely do not accept being blocked. That is just disordered and cruel. I get that it is a copying mechanism he employed to protect himself but if there is no understanding for the impact on me, then I cannot do this. And then I mean no contact at all.

Apart from that, we were talking about meeting up soon, one of us travelling to spend some more time together.  We have had a conversation about it, but he skips too far ahead in the future, but still is/was really excited about us meeting again. I think I live more in the now.

Not sure what will happen now. I will wait and see how he responds to my message. Actually, I want to ask him what he it is that he wants/wanted with me? Because he was the one to keep our contact going more than I was, yet I was much more clear about a way forward than him.

Sorry what does LDR stand for?

[mitti]

I think your reaction/response is mature and level headed.  I too struggle with communicating my feelings in a relationship for fear of turning someone away, but I am trying to learn that I don't want to be with someone that I can't share my concerns with.

I'm sorry it ended up this way but at least you didn't get too invested in him before learning about his indecisiveness.

Thank you so much. I am glad I did it, even though I was scared. I just had to decide I did not want to feed my co-dependency again but heal from it and learn a different way of being in a relationship. What happens remains to be seen.

Actually, he has responded so differently to how my BPDxbf would so that is good. He owns his actions even if he doesn't get just how damaging it was for me and I think that we could talk about this without any argument or upset feelings, though it will probably feel uncomfortable.

[mitti]

"we are moving too quickly, lets slow down" is cold feet.

blocking is dramatic, possibly attention seeking.

Yes, I understand that he feels it is moving too quickly. I am wondering if it worries him that it started looking like a relationship.

Curious to know how blocking could be attention seeking when it is cutting off the lines of communication? Then again he only blocked me on one channel and left the others open. Is that weird?

[araneina]

Thank you so much. I am glad I did it, even though I was scared. I just had to decide I did not want to feed my co-dependency again but heal from it and learn a different way of being in a relationship. What happens remains to be seen.

Actually, he has responded so differently to how my BPDxbf would so that is good. He owns his actions even if he doesn't get just how damaging it was for me and I think that we could talk about this without any argument or upset feelings, though it will probably feel uncomfortable.

That must be nice.  I would frequently say to my ex "I want a relationship.  If you don't, it's okay, but I would like to know."

Of course his reaction was always to shut down or just say "I don't know," and then act like nothing was wrong the next day.

You have to give this guy credit for being honest with you.  I think both of you handled it well.  And who knows, maybe down the road when he's better equipped for a relationship you guys might cross paths again.

[once removed]

Curious to know how blocking could be attention seeking when it is cutting off the lines of communication? Then again he only blocked me on one channel and left the others open. Is that weird?

i was speaking hypothetically. when someone is blocked by someone, its not unnatural to reach out and ask what gives. often the person doing the blocking understands that.

i think its weird yeah.

[mitti]

i was speaking hypothetically. when someone is blocked by someone, its not unnatural to reach out and ask what gives. often the person doing the blocking understands that.

i think its weird yeah.

Yes makes sense. I usually just believe their action and think they really want nothing to do with me, but it was strange that he left a door open. And yes, he responded at once and did not seem to mind at all that I contacted him, on the contrary. It actually took reading through his response many times before I realised that he was not actually breaking up but just taking a step back. I am not used to this type of behaviour and I am truly feeling confused.

[mitti]

That must be nice.  I would frequently say to my ex "I want a relationship.  If you don't, it's okay, but I would like to know."

Of course his reaction was always to shut down or just say "I don't know," and then act like nothing was wrong the next day.

You have to give this guy credit for being honest with you.  I think both of you handled it well.  And who knows, maybe down the road when he's better equipped for a relationship you guys might cross paths again.

Hi araneina, thank you. Yes you are right that he has been honest, now. He has a totally different style of dealing with us not really being on the same page to my BPDxbf. And he is not reactive, at all, but always calm and polite and able to verbalise his thoughts and feelings. What is difficult for me is that I think he is not clear on his intentions, and I mean to himself, so therefore also not to me. It's like he has decided that he needs to be single and so he says that, I accept but then he is not happy where we are at and he makes a move to deepen our relationship but then I suppose fears set in or something.

We'll see. I hope we can talk in a day or two and then I can tell him what I need and he can tell me what he needs and perhaps our needs overlap.

[valet]

This thread is moving too fast for me.

Now that it looks like you've reached some kind of temporary conclusion on where things stand, I'd recommend not to rush contact or any important conversations.

Think about what you need. Be honest with yourself. Sleep on it, and re-evaluate what you come up with.

Big picture is this: you were long-distance for two months, and both of you have a difficult relationship history. what do you think that situation adds up to? and do you have the tools to manage your own feelings inside of it?

[mitti]

This thread is moving too fast for me.

Now that it looks like you've reached some kind of temporary conclusion on where things stand, I'd recommend not to rush contact or any important conversations.

Think about what you need. Be honest with yourself. Sleep on it, and re-evaluate what you come up with.

Big picture is this: you were long-distance for two months, and both of you have a difficult relationship history. what do you think that situation adds up to? and do you have the tools to manage your own feelings inside of it?

Hi valet, actually nothing has happened. I am managing my own fears. My past has always been about avoiding the pain of abandonment and part of that, if I feel it might be coming, true or not, has been to prepare for the worst, because crushed hope has become increasingly difficult to cope with for me. So I tend to see things a little too black and white in the moment. Through everybody's thoughts here, talks with my T and meditation I am open to hearing his thoughts if he wants to have a conversation about this. So no I am not rushing contact now. I think he needs time to digest my last message. I have not been that honest with him before because without realising it, I fell back into a co-dependent pattern as soon as I started to develop feelings for him. I imagine something similar happened for him about me. I am feeling a lot less stress over this now and whatever happens I feel I will be able to manage it. I am glad I wrote him from my heart and advocated for myself and my needs. I think that is what I needed to do. I have never done it like this before.

The distance is a problem, but I think less of a problem for him because he needs a slower pace. I can manage that so long as there is consistency and no freaky behaviour like blocking me. Of course as time passes this might need to be re-evaluated depending on how things develop and how we feel further down the line. But we are not even here yet. First I will see how he responds. Meanwhile I am taking care of myself.