uBPD mother very ill

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone,

First, I continue to be grateful that this support community exists—thank you for hearing me out over the time I've been on the site. So, as I've mentioned in some posts awhile ago, I have a sister wBPD and my mother who I strongly think is uBPD.

About 3 years ago, I had a bunch of factors that were going on where I had my moment where I realized I needed to go essentially NC. At the beginning, a couple of terse, robotic type of emails were exchanged, but as the months rolled on, it's 100% NC now. It's always been a struggle for me, but I've made my own sense of peace.

A couple months ago, my mother had another relapse with cancer and I'm not sure what the days ahead hold. I live across the country (where I have been since I left the house for college at 18 and retrospectively, this has allowed me to be able to develop myself—even if the full realization was much later. My father who I have a good relationship (but is a big enabler for my mother) is the only person in the family I talk to. I am also NC with my sister wBPD. My father is a big enabler/provider for both and they all live in the same metro area.

As my mother's health is declining, my father and sister have been spending time in the hospital, etc. As the days continue, I feel an increasing sense of guilt. And sadness. I would have liked to have been able to be the daughter to be fully supportive of my mother during this time, but I felt like ultimately—particularly at a key choice point 3 years ago, I had to finally choose myself. Which was the right decision.

I am also in therapy (grateful for this), and my therapist asked me the question: "if your mom wasn't sick right now, how would you feel/what would you do?" It actually was a helpful question because I immediately responded that the boundaries I currently have, although is painful at times, is undoubtedly the right decision for me. I think the illness just clouds things a bit and I notice I feel a bit more guilt and just—confusion—about what to do other than—nothing? There is definitely a sense of unease.

Thanks for reading, and if others are open to share if they've been in a similar experience, I am very open to listening/reading. I think because I actually have not had to yet deal with a death of someone who is—or was—or who I wanted to be close with—I am nervous about the sense of "regret" and other heavy emotions that I feel like I can't foresee at this time. My gut tells me I am doing the best thing for myself, but there's this feeling of fear that I will somehow regret this later down the line (I am noticing some FOG going on here).

Thanks so much.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ainteasybeinggreen,


I'm sorry that you are in this place of having to deal with things that you'd rather not, such as the possible passing of your mom. It brings up all kinds of emotions I know. My uBPDm passed away a few years ago, before I had started working on my healing. I was aware of BPD at that point, but just barely. By the time I started working on things, she literally died two weeks later. I chose to be beside her, but it was tough. I kept telling myself that if I made it through all those years of stuff with her, I could make it through a couple more weeks. Not easy though, and that was my choice. You get to make the choice too, freely, without FOG. For some it would be to go, for others it would be to remain NC. In many ways the relationship has already died, but there is always the wish that it would've been better. I think most of us here on this site wish for our pwBPD to understand, even after they have passed away. Wishing won't change them though. Self health is priority for us as we learn to Cope and Heal.

Peace to you,
  Wools

[Living Life]

Hi Ainteasybeinggreen,
My 96+ year old NBPDm died almost 1 year ago. We have had a lifetime of a rocky relationship; the final blow was my brother finally telling me that my mother had changed her estate about 6 years ago, about 2 years after my father's death. She totally wrote me out, including the portion of my dad's estate he left to me. I felt this was the last, ultimate betrayal, that she and my brother and his wife kept the secret, until he decided I should know so I could 'fix it' before she finally died. I chose to not confront her; she was ill and frail, and the time to 'fix it' had long since passed. She finally died about 6 weeks after. My brother did call when she was in the hospital, then when she was admitted to hospice care and had stopped eating and drinking, I flew in. I spent about 12 hours with her and was with her when she finally died. There was no unfinished business for me, nothing I needed to talk to her about. She was medicated and almost comatose, so there would have been no conversation anyway. I felt a huge relief when she died, that peace was finally at hand. No more rages at my setting boundaries, no more being painted black.
     Without getting into the details, the &^*t hit the fan 2 days later with a meltdown by my SIL with how I was helping clear the house. As the months passed things got progressively more emotional and tense, with my SIL running the show in the background. It was 2 against 1, and I got thrown under the bus. Events peaked and I decided to not attend my mother's graveside service (6 months after her death). My brother had arranged a lovely simple church service the day after she died, so I needed no further closure on her death. Emotions got higher, and I received 2 nasty, horrible emails from my brother. Upon reflection, I discovered he had the emotional maturity of about a 10 year old (I am 72, and he is 75) and he was behaving just like my mother. I had to put up with her, but I don't have to put up with him. So, after a few weeks reflection, I 'divorced' him. I later found "Walking on Eggshells" and this wonderful board; I found that the term is going NC. I wish I had had the knowledge and resources before all the crisis with him, and a lifetime with my mother; I would have handled things differently. But, as I have learned, we all do the best we can with what we have, and as adults we can choose to associate with whom we choose.
     Dealing with a BPD is a constant minefield; it seemed that no matter what I did it was frequently wrong. Fortunately I had physical distance, and developed emotional distance. I have had a wonderful professional career, 50 years of marriage, and a great life. Meeting me you would never have guessed at my dysfunctional background. I am at peace with the decisions I have made and am moving forward with my life.
     You will choose the right path as you continue your journey. There is no correct answer.
     Big Hugs ... .