I’ve become virtually 100% intolerant of criticism or rude responses

[NewYork19]

I really have no interest in labeling my wife as “A BPD”.  First, that is an offensive way to refer to someone, especially someone you love.  But secondly, I have no idea if her symptoms, or rather, the behaviors I feel destroyed by, rise to the level of a horrific sounding character judgement label like BPD.  

But, I am exhausted.  We have been together for 20 years.  I don’t even feel old enough to have been married for that long.  But here we are.  

I love her.  She’s made me a kinder gentler person, she has been my fierce advocate, and until recent years, I could talk to her about anything.  

We’re in an odd situation.  I have severe PTSD.  It went untreated for many years.  So, I was far from a model citizen in our relationship.  In recent years I have worked hard on improvements.  But, I think I had as many BPD behaviors as anybody for a long time.  Constant temper blow ups, over reactions, blaming everyone but myself for problems, extreme emotional reactions to small hurts.  I’m sure I could go on.  I still have these symptoms sometimes, though far more often I recognize the crazy and can peel myself back.

Lately, I’ve become virtually 100% intolerant of criticism or rude responses from her.  But when I “put up my hand”, she flips out... .today she got out of my truck in the middle of an intersection and demanded I apologize... .I think for getting upset that she was criticizing me... .before she would get back in.  

We visited her mother who is even worse and when I didn’t respond immediately  to my wife saying “I’m not that bad, am I?”, she continued on by saying, “if I am that bad, I’m going to buy a gun and kill myself right now”.  The suicide threats are near constant.  Today she suggested (in a crying rage) that we go together and buy a gun.  

I am tired, I want a happy life.  I lived with raging PTSD nightmares, self destruction, etc for years, and now I want to move past the misery and start experiencing happiness.  Today I feel no hope, no happiness, no love.

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[an0ught]

Hi NewYork19,

people with BPD are experiencing and living the extremes and we as partners are under a constant barrage of outbursts. It is not surprising that we become easily trigger-able and/or past related trauma surfaces  . Under these circumstances it is vital to put yourself first. As you are at this time not thinking about leaving her I share a few things that did help me in a similar situation:

- self care is critical. It is easier said than done and at the time I did not know what to do. I got better in that and it is really key. Consider getting a therapist for yourself.

- self care is vital: Really watch all physical symptoms and take care of them. Even a cold can draw down your emotional coping capacity and decreases your ability to quickly react in the optimal way.

- boundaries are key to deal with triggering. Check the LESSONS (sticky topic on this board). A quick band-aid can be distance - taking a break, walking out etc. (read up first on validating abandonment before embarking on that course). Boundaries when implemented properly allow you to feel safe. There is a certain amount of healthy detachment coming with it. You two have been very close as you wrote and maybe too much so when one lacks emotional self control (read about enmeshment). Love may benefit at times from a little distance so we can truly see the other person.

There is hope, building skills with the help of the board and maybe a therapist, a few (I know initially often scary) boundary conflicts and a continuous focus on meeting your own needs things can move on a very different trajectory.

Welcome to the board and a better 2018 for you  ,

a0

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome NewYork19

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. I can understand your worry about putting a label on your wife. For me I try not to use the phrase "A BPD" also because my H is not his disease. I like to use person first language, so I will say he is a person with BPD. BPD is a spectrum disorder. In some it is more severe in others it is less severe. All of us are somewhere on that spectrum and may experience BPD like behavior to some degree. The label is not important though. What does matter is how our pwBPD's behavior affects our lives, our well-being, and our emotions.  Many here have spouses and SO's that have never been diagnosed.

I completely relate to your issues with being criticized. I just posted a topic with the same subject. an0ught gave some great ideas, such as taking a short break from heated situations. We have a lesson on Ending Conflict that might help you in those times that you cannot get the space needed to calm your own emotions.

When your wife begins to criticize you, how do you usually respond?

[NewYork19]

On good days, I let it roll off.  Often it is coming from anxiety... .constant “coaching” when I’m driving or “you could have just (enter the alternative anything here) or extreme impatience and irritation when I have literally not done (or not done) anything to provoke it.
Lately, after spending six days with her mother who is a hundred times worse, I have been much less tolerant.  So, I’ll ask her why she responded with that tone, or I’ll say something like, “I know where we are going, I don’t need help”. 
Or sometimes I just say “please stop”. 
Usually her response is to quickly flip it to “don’t start in on me, I can’t handle it”, then before I know it she’s screaming, crying, jumping out of the vehicle in an intersection. 
Basically, if I don’t suffer silently, I am punished severely.

[an0ught]

Hi NewYork19,

the good news is you found this board and are posting. There is a lot you can do to improve your situation.

extreme impatience and irritation when I have literally not done (or not done) anything to provoke it.

There is a lot of internal pressure and it has nothing to do with you. But scratch just a little bit an overfilled balloon   and it blows. And to be honest you are responsible for the scratch. But you are not responsible for the bad air that overfilled it. Cause and trigger are two different things and it is worth remembering that when the explosion happens. If you defend yourself triggering you frankly lie and thus invalidate her - that is a loosing strategy. Focusing and showing your understanding that there is a lot of anger and bad air she deals with is addressing her emotions and validating. Validation helps to calm in the short term and supports her building emotional skills in the long run.

Of course in the very moment of the explosion she is overwhelmed and often not addressable. When you get the feeling the is not able at all to listen it is time to stop talking (for you) and possibly to exit the scene. Boundaries are rules for ourselves and initially it takes a while to wrap our head around situations that we may perceive as unsolvable and identify the small bits that are truly under our control. None of that is free e.g. a temporary time-out may incur cost, incur her wrath and may terminate the relationship.

You find more on validation and boundaries in the LESSONS and reading up is important. But equally is discussion of situations here on the board as that allows you to connect the theory to practice. It is also important to help you through the inevitable turmoil that comes with changing your behavior.

Lately, after spending six days with her mother who is a hundred times worse, I have been much less tolerant.  So, I’ll ask her why she responded with that tone, or I’ll say something like, “I know where we are going, I don’t need help”.
Or sometimes I just say “please stop”. 

It is good that you are willing to stand up. The willingness to endure conflict is key to establishing boundaries. The way you are currently going about it however is decidedly sub-optimal - which is all totally normal - we all here started from a similar place. Our natural reactions are geared dealing with normal people and lead us down a path were in the end we contribute to the conflict. The good news is that small changes here in how we communicate can have a huge impact.

I’ll ask her why she responded with that tone, or

"Why" is asking her to justify and defend herself. This is invalidating and just leads to increased internal emotional pressure making her less rational. Avoid "why" whenever possible. If "what" can be substituted that is usually better as it is less judgemental and requests factual information.

I know where we are going, I don’t need help.

That is rejecting and thus invalidating. It may be better to address underlying emotions like "You fear we are on the wrong track?" or "You are concerned we are arriving late?".

please stop

This is controlling and thus invalidating. It is much better to say "I need a break for an hour, I'll be back." and then leave immediately thus protecting yourself and also limiting the risk to trigger her fear of abandonment too badly.

Hope this helps a little to get you motivated and started to explore LESSONS and related workshops,

   a0