Hi NewYork19,
the good news is you found this board and are posting. There is a lot
you can do to improve your situation.
extreme impatience and irritation when I have literally not done (or not done) anything to provoke it.
There is a lot of internal pressure and it has nothing to do with you. But scratch just a little bit an overfilled balloon and it blows. And to be honest you are responsible for the scratch. But you are not responsible for the bad air that overfilled it. Cause and trigger are two different things and it is worth remembering that when the explosion happens. If you defend yourself triggering you frankly lie and thus invalidate her - that is a loosing strategy. Focusing and showing your understanding that there is a lot of anger and bad air she deals with is addressing her emotions and
validating.
Validation helps to calm in the short term and supports her building emotional skills in the long run.
Of course in the very moment of the explosion she is overwhelmed and often not addressable. When you get the feeling the is not able at all to listen it is time to stop talking (for you) and possibly to exit the scene.
Boundaries are rules for ourselves and initially it takes a while to wrap our head around situations that we may perceive as unsolvable and identify the small bits that are truly under our control. None of that is free e.g. a temporary time-out may incur cost, incur her wrath and may terminate the relationship.
You find more on validation and boundaries in the LESSONS and reading up is important. But equally is discussion of situations here on the board as that allows you to connect the theory to practice. It is also important to help you through the inevitable turmoil that comes with changing your behavior.
Lately, after spending six days with her mother who is a hundred times worse, I have been much less tolerant. So, I’ll ask her why she responded with that tone, or I’ll say something like, “I know where we are going, I don’t need help”.
Or sometimes I just say “please stop”.
It is good that you are willing to stand up. The willingness to endure conflict is key to establishing boundaries. The way you are currently going about it however is decidedly sub-optimal - which is all totally normal - we all here started from a similar place. Our natural reactions are geared dealing with normal people and lead us down a path were in the end we contribute to the conflict. The good news is that small changes here in how we communicate can have a huge impact.
I’ll ask her why she responded with that tone, or
"Why" is asking her to justify and defend herself. This is invalidating and just leads to increased internal emotional pressure making her less rational. Avoid "why" whenever possible. If "what" can be substituted that is usually better as it is less judgemental and requests factual information.
I know where we are going, I don’t need help.
That is rejecting and thus invalidating. It may be better to address underlying emotions like "You fear we are on the wrong track?" or "You are concerned we are arriving late?".
please stop
This is controlling and thus invalidating. It is much better to say "I need a break for an hour, I'll be back." and then leave immediately thus protecting yourself and also limiting the risk to trigger her fear of abandonment too badly.
Hope this helps a little to get you motivated and started to explore LESSONS and related workshops,
a0
