The Panic button has been pushed again-will it ever end?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been married to a classic BPDw for 4 years, it has been complete madness the WHOLE time.
We have recycled at least 5 times. I have lived out of the house more that I`ve lived there. Last time I left she was in a relationship the whole time I was gone. We got back together again and SURPRISE, the same craziness showed up within a week(when will I ever learn). I have now been gone 6 weeks. I`m pretty sure I have been replaced. I have maintained NC but she sends me something every 2 or 3 days, so even though I don`t open them, I still get a hit of my drug which keeps me hooked. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it would never work between us. But this last email threw me for a loop. The subject line read DIVORCE. I felt I needed to open that one up. It went on and on about how we need to get this divorce over as fast as possible and layed it all out there as to how to do it. This confirmed in my mind that she indeed had a replacement and that it may have advanced to them talking about marriage. Well, for some reason this through me into a full blown panic my body went cold, a bolt of electricity thrust through my body and I started sweating. Out of shear desperation and panic I immediately sent her an email on how we could possibly make this work... .WHAT?... .WHAT DID I JUST SAY? make it work? I know it wont work. I don't want it to work but because of the finality of it I went crazy. so we set up a meeting to talk tomorrow. she emailed me last night and said there has been a death in the family and she cant make it. Out of concern I asked her what happened, she still has not answered back. I am frozen with fear that she will blow it off all together.
1.Why did I panic when she just simply told me something that had to happen eventually? Divorce
2.Why am I so surprised she has not responded?... .because she has all the power now.
3.Why do I care about someone who has stripped me of my humanity and left me an empty shell.
4.Why does my body still react with such a feeling of terror and doom?... .It`s overwhelming.
5. I sit here on Christmas day obsessing about the whole situation... .I ruined my Christmas.
6. How is it that I am still on this emotional roller coaster after so many years?
7. Why does it STILL hurt so damn much?

The day to day pain and uncertainty is just too much, I`m tired, I`m discouraged, depressed and just plain miserable. It never seems to end.

[Rameses]

I have been married to a classic BPDw for 4 years, it has been complete madness the WHOLE time.
We have recycled at least 5 times. I have lived out of the house more that I`ve lived there. Last time I left she was in a relationship the whole time I was gone. We got back together again and SURPRISE, the same craziness showed up within a week(when will I ever learn). I have now been gone 6 weeks. I`m pretty sure I have been replaced. I have maintained NC but she sends me something every 2 or 3 days, so even though I don`t open them, I still get a hit of my drug which keeps me hooked. Even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it would never work between us. But this last email threw me for a loop. The subject line read DIVORCE. I felt I needed to open that one up. It went on and on about how we need to get this divorce over as fast as possible and layed it all out there as to how to do it. This confirmed in my mind that she indeed had a replacement and that it may have advanced to them talking about marriage. Well, for some reason this through me into a full blown panic my body went cold, a bolt of electricity thrust through my body and I started sweating. Out of shear desperation and panic I immediately sent her an email on how we could possibly make this work... .WHAT?... .WHAT DID I JUST SAY? make it work? I know it wont work. I don't want it to work but because of the finality of it I went crazy. so we set up a meeting to talk tomorrow. she emailed me last night and said there has been a death in the family and she cant make it. Out of concern I asked her what happened, she still has not answered back. I am frozen with fear that she will blow it off all together.
1.Why did I panic when she just simply told me something that had to happen eventually? Divorce
2.Why am I so surprised she has not responded?... .because she has all the power now.
3.Why do I care about someone who has stripped me of my humanity and left me an empty shell.
4.Why does my body still react with such a feeling of terror and doom?... .It`s overwhelming.
5. I sit here on Christmas day obsessing about the whole situation... .I ruined my Christmas.
6. How is it that I am still on this emotional roller coaster after so many years?
7. Why does it STILL hurt so damn much?

The day to day pain and uncertainty is just too much, I`m tired, I`m discouraged, depressed and just plain miserable. It never seems to end.

[Inside]

I can’t answer your inner thoughts, but know I’ve been there... .  Are there children involved?  If not, or if so - my immediate reaction is to take this opportunity to get out!  I’d scramble to find an attorney, come up with as good a settlement or disposition as possible for yourself, and have her sign it before her current r/s dissolves … because it will. 

If this feels beyond your current ability, I’d seek personal counseling for yourself…  BPD behavior and tactics affect us like a drug, therefore, we often need to seek treatment to get beyond it.   

I’ve actually the time and inclination to go down your list, but won’t.  You’ve enough experience around here to likey come up with better answers and advice than mine    But I am very serious about this being your best opportunity to get out. It may not feel like what you want, but you know - it’s what you need.

[Mutt]

Hi Rameses,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I really feel for you when I read your post because I can relate living with that madness day in and day out. I thought about your post and I think it’s over when we’ve reached our limit. Only you know how much you can take.

[Jame’slife]

Rameses,

I’ve been where you are, and I am also a parent of a 33 year old daughter who suffiwith BPD. I have not seen her in two years, but I do see my son in law and beautiful granddaughter when I Sneek to his new apartment. Yes, his. I’ve listened to his heartache, the insanity, the STD, and I’ve listened to him cry. He is from another country and 7 years younger than my daughter, so she manipulated him in the sickest ways. There is so much I do not tell, so to not add to the pain. They did file for a divorce, but he just cannot cut loose. He has his own apartment now for two month, but she’s just down a block or so. My heart breaks for all of us, but my son in law is so mentally abused, and I do not know what my 2 year old granddaughter has witnessed. PLEASE get yourself out of this relationship that
is robbing you of life. I have no idea how old you are, but she will rob you of years
of your life. Seek a person to speak with that knows this illness, and get support
for yourself.They continue to suck you in, and you have to be taught how not to
get sucked back into the room with the tornado. Save your life; it’s so precious. You have to cut all ties. I pray you find a new life road. I was married to a man who struggled with BPD, and I went back to him to wast another year of my life. He was so unfaithful. Yet, begging me to come back. I was so confused. It took a great deal of pain and strength and the marriage was ended. I’m throwing you a
lifeline . Grab it and pull yourself up. I do not believe in luck. But, I am married to the most wonderful man. You do not see it, but there’s a better plan for you!

[clytie]

From my experience I can clearly tell you that AT FIRST it hurts very much. I thought I was going to die when my 21-year BPD ex left. I didn't take action and waited for him to come back for 3 months (he visited me every weekend), which PROLONGED the suffering. Then, it was me who called the lawyer. During those days, if I had listened to my emotions instead of my logic, I wouldn't have called the lawyer.  I lost more than 13 Ib in a month, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't breath, I couldn't go to work or look after my son. There was a huge pain on my chest, which turned my life into a hell. I was hoping he would come to me, follow me, hug me etc deep inside. But I believed that I needed to take action. So I immediately found a T. , sent my son to my mum's, called my best friends and tried to go NC. No Contact part wasn't easy. I couldn't do it immediately. 3 days of NC was enough to make me show symptoms of a withdrawal crisis. First, I blocked his telephone so I stopped hearing his voice. He sent very hurtful messages every day. Then I stopped reading his messages and sending any replies. Then he started to follow my whatsapp situation photos. I tried so hard to block him on whatsapp. I blocked him every night and unblocked him every morning hoping he would follow me. Then he blocked me after I put one of my drawings and wrote "show your true colours". For a week I again went crazy. Finally I blocked him too.
NOW I still have pain but I am definitely BETTER. I have started to read more, I am less angry and more peaceful. My self confidence has increased as I did the right decision and I save my future life. Sharing my pain on this forum is very helpful. Hearing other stories like yours is encouraging. We are not alone.   
SO the best thing you can do for yourself is  making a decision. Dream about future; determine your needs and principles in life; set your goals according to them; make an action plan to achieve these goals... .
Today I am better than yesterday... .Happy New Year