Intense Sibling Relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi folks,

This is my first post and I'm hoping there are others out there who might relate to having intense issues with a sibling - and specifically, with a twin. I feel confused and adversely affected by years of push/pull behaviour - by a love/hate pattern that seems so split. Over the years, her outbursts and then silent treatment have grown more intense, and when we resume contact, there is a very strong, unspoken 'no speak' rule about her punitive behaviours and their possible impact on me. I've reached a point of so much accumulated pain and disillusionment, that I no longer even wonder how to broach the subject of her last outburst - too afraid of bringing on another one - and merely play along with the 'all's well' facade, while taking the hurt and anger elsewhere, specifically to my spiritual practices.

Here's an example of her behaviour from the last time I visited her, a few years ago:
We are sitting in a cafe in a favourite coastal town together, having just come out from a movie. As she is talking to me, I notice a labrador behind her gingerly sneaking leftover chips from the vacated table. I interrupt her to point him out, as it is a hilarious sight. She turns and looks, murmurs 'huh', and then sits in silent anger, trying to get her feelings under control, as I begin shrinking in anticipatory fear. "Sorry for interrupting - what were you saying?" falls into the stony silence. I've done it now. Suddenly I'm sitting across not from the person I feel most at home with, but from a volcano that's threatening to erupt. I'm relieved we're in a public place, and notice she can maintain some control under those circumstances. I suspect I've triggered childhood feelings of invisibility, of not mattering, but all I see is suppressed rage, and know her reflex response is accusation and blame. I try to break the silence with small talk - and this seems to infuriate her further, so she suddenly gets up and storms out. I quell the rising panic and anxiety as best I can, pay the bill, then walk out to see her attempting to board a bus. The bus driver tells her no, there are no buses going back to the nearby town we've driven from. She turns to get off, and sees that I've witnessed this attempt to disappear without explanation. I practice calm detachment, wanting her to see that I'm right here, I'm not visibly angry, and I'm going to give her a lift back despite this. However the truth is, I'm alarmed she would have left in a bus, leaving me, the driver, unsure where she was, whether she was stranded without a lift or not. We head back into the cafe to sit on a lounge and cool down for a moment. I browse a newspaper while she grapples with competing inner attitudes, trying to find a way out of the intensity she's in. Eventually we head for the car. As I pull out from the curb, she suddenly laughs and says "Woops - I guess I stuffed up, hey?" I cannot laugh and make light of this just yet. I am still trying to understand it, and stay calm - and regretting having chosen to spend the day with her, rather than enjoying this holiday location on my own. I say, "I'd prefer if we don't get into it while I'm driving - we can talk when we get back to your place." By the time we arrive at her place, a mutual fear of argument sees us both avoid raising the subject. And so it becomes one more unaddressed issue, sitting in the widening space between us.

Is this "BPD"? At the very least, it's crazymaking and punitive, and is slowly but surely eroding any hope or desire in me to invest in this relationship any longer. I am split: sometimes I think the best solution for me is simply to walk away from this twin relationship, despite the specialness and depth of love which is also present in it, albeit buried beneath much scar tissue.  But at other times I know hardening my heart only hurts me, and that the wiser response is to keep my heart open, stay in touch with the love, and keep hope alive that healing and transformation can occur.

I wonder if anyone out there relates, or has any experience on how to improve such a dynamic?

[I-AmHere]

Hi folks,

This is my first post and I'm hoping there are others out there who might relate to having intense issues with a sibling - and specifically, with a twin. I feel confused and adversely affected by years of push/pull behaviour - by a love/hate pattern that seems so split. Over the years, her outbursts and then silent treatment have grown more intense, and when we resume contact, there is a very strong, unspoken 'no speak' rule about her punitive behaviours and their possible impact on me. I've reached a point of so much accumulated pain and disillusionment, that I no longer even wonder how to broach the subject of her last outburst - too afraid of bringing on another one - and merely play along with the 'all's well' facade, while taking the hurt and anger elsewhere, specifically to my spiritual practices.

Here's an example of her behaviour from the last time I visited her, a few years ago:
We are sitting in a cafe in a favourite coastal town together, having just come out from a movie. As she is talking to me, I notice a labrador behind her gingerly sneaking leftover chips from the vacated table. I interrupt her to point him out, as it is a hilarious sight. She turns and looks, murmurs 'huh', and then sits in silent anger, trying to get her feelings under control, as I begin shrinking in anticipatory fear. "Sorry for interrupting - what were you saying?" falls into the stony silence. I've done it now. Suddenly I'm sitting across not from the person I feel most at home with, but from a volcano that's threatening to erupt. I'm relieved we're in a public place, and notice she can maintain some control under those circumstances. I suspect I've triggered childhood feelings of invisibility, of not mattering, but all I see is suppressed rage, and know her reflex response is accusation and blame. I try to break the silence with small talk - and this seems to infuriate her further, so she suddenly gets up and storms out. I quell the rising panic and anxiety as best I can, pay the bill, then walk out to see her attempting to board a bus. The bus driver tells her no, there are no buses going back to the nearby town we've driven from. She turns to get off, and sees that I've witnessed this attempt to disappear without explanation. I practice calm detachment, wanting her to see that I'm right here, I'm not visibly angry, and I'm going to give her a lift back despite this. However the truth is, I'm alarmed she would have left in a bus, leaving me, the driver, unsure where she was, whether she was stranded without a lift or not. We head back into the cafe to sit on a lounge and cool down for a moment. I browse a newspaper while she grapples with competing inner attitudes, trying to find a way out of the intensity she's in. Eventually we head for the car. As I pull out from the curb, she suddenly laughs and says "Woops - I guess I stuffed up, hey?" I cannot laugh and make light of this just yet. I am still trying to understand it, and stay calm - and regretting having chosen to spend the day with her, rather than enjoying this holiday location on my own. I say, "I'd prefer if we don't get into it while I'm driving - we can talk when we get back to your place." By the time we arrive at her place, a mutual fear of argument sees us both avoid raising the subject. And so it becomes one more unaddressed issue, sitting in the widening space between us.

Is this "BPD"? At the very least, it's crazymaking and punitive, and is slowly but surely eroding any hope or desire in me to invest in this relationship any longer. I am split: sometimes I think the best solution for me is simply to walk away from this twin relationship, despite the specialness and depth of love which is also present in it, albeit buried beneath much scar tissue.  But at other times I know hardening my heart only hurts me, and that the wiser response is to keep my heart open, stay in touch with the love, and keep hope alive that healing and transformation can occur.

I wonder if anyone out there relates, or has any experience on how to improve such a dynamic?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome I-AmHere! 

Thank you for sharing your first post with us and telling us some of your story.  I am glad that you have joined us.

Is this "BPD"? At the very least, it's crazymaking and punitive, and is slowly but surely eroding any hope or desire in me to invest in this relationship any longer.

While none of us here can diagnose your sibling, there are common factors that you can look for. It certainly sounds as if she easily feels rejected which is a common trait of those with BPD. Here is a link that may help you:

I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?

Behavior such as you are seeing is definitely crazy making!   Please also take a look at the list to the right hand side of our board under Lessons---->>   Anything you click on opens up into a larger window. Are there things there that sound familiar to you?

Please jump in and read all that you can. Also feel free to post responses to others and share your thoughts. This is a great understanding community. 

 
Wools