Christmas presents and grandkids

[ariadne3]

First post. I have been a lurker for years and have been NC with uBPD mother for 2 years. It was here that I first realized that my mom has BPD. I suppose I was LC for a while. I had set boundaries and for the most part they were not crossed. About 2 1/2 years ago I got married. We didn't invite anyone but my sister and her husband, and my two kids (11 and 8 at the time). My mom later got convinced there was a video and we were not letting her see it. She pretty much just blamed my sister for it. My sister was also planning her wedding at this time. My mom was very opinionated and my sister finally told her to stop. My mom lost it and started yelling at her about what a bad person she was and how she did not want to be in her life or apart of the wedding.

My mom has done this with about everyone. We didn't speak to her side of the family for 6 years. There would be best friends one day and the next day they were evil. I was already fed up with this secret video she was sure of and made my son upset about it. When she called I told her how wrong I thought she was about the video and my sister and brought up how we didn't see my family growing up or how she kept us from our dad. She said calmly (which is weird) that if I didn't want to see white trash like her, that was fine. I agree and haven't talked to her since and neither has my sister. She has text messaged a couple times months later as if nothing happened. I ignored these and haven't talked to her since.

A week ago my stepdad (huge enabler) emails me that he hopes to "mend our family" and they "gave me the space I wanted". He did this last year has well. The emails I believe are partly authored by my mom. It is all about them and how they miss their grandkids and just want whats best for them. When this first happened I let them talk to the kids and they would tell the kids how much they want them to come over (they refused a meeting at a restaurant). This would get my kids upset because they knew I wasn't going to bring them over so I put an end to it. I email back how I didn't ask for space and wanted to know if there has been any change. He is not allowed to see his family so I asked if he sees them now. I said there cannot be change without any acknowledgement. He does not respond but a few days later calls on my son's birthday. I ignore this and don't call back. Now today I get a package in the mail from them. I have since had another child who is 1 but the package is only addressed to my first two. Should I send it back? I don't want the kids to open it and get all upset again. I have explained to my oldest about my mom and he seems to understand but misses his grandpa. I told him that grandpa chooses to allow grandmas behavior. I used to feel bad for him but this thing about trying to make me feel guilty is getting me mad. The email was filled with things about how he misses them and how he doesn't understand what he did to deserve this.

Sorry for the rant. I just don't understand why they won't leave me alone.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ariadne3,   

Glad you posted! Sounds as if you have read and learned a lot already during your time as a lurker. 

Do you think the present was addressed to the older two children because they do not know about the 3rd child? It sounded as if you haven't had contact with them for a while so I didn't know if that was a possibility.

The nice thing in the situation you described is that you have choices. You don't have to respond to them at all, or you can chose to respond, etc. The options are there, and you get to pick. If the history in the past has been to contact them and then you are back into the dysfunction cycle all over again, then I encourage you to weigh the options as to whether or not you want to do that. Would you consider making contact with them because of your needs or only under the whole FOG? All good things to consider!

You know yourself and your children best, better than your parents. You have a responsibility of protecting and caring for them, no matter what. Do what you know to be best.

 
Wools

[ariadne3]

Thanks for the reply. They know of #3. We went NC when I was pregnant. Being recently NC, I did allow my son to call them when #3 was born. I have thought about things and it is the FOG. I haven't opened the packages but will probably donate them to charity. I want to continue my NC. Thanks for the reminder about my responsibility to protecting my children no matter what!

[Turkish]

I wouldn't mention the packages.  It's their way of reaching out because they don't know what else to do. Not even meeting in a restaurant? Give me a break.  That's extremely controlling behavior.  Your family doesn't deserve that.  They made their choice.  A public meeting ground is a benign offer on your part. 

As their mom,  protect your kids,  which is what you are doing.  When they get older,  they can make the choice to reach out to their grandparents. 

[Fie]

Your situation reminds me a little of mine.
I am NC with my BPD/NPD parents. This is merely their choice, their reaction to me not wanting to be treated like the scapegoat anymore.
They have never really showed an active interest in their granddaughter, my daughter. Only since they stopped the contact with me, they have started desperate attempts to see my daughter, even through her dad, who I am not together with.
This has all been rather confusing for my daughter, and I'm afraid my hesitant behaviour didn't really help her ('should I let her see them' / 'is it healthy to grow up without grandparents' etc)
Now I can see that all my parents excerted was control. They were using my child to control me. It had nothing to do with love.

My mum has a history of setting up people against me. So I am also weary she would try this with my child.

Once my mother passed by our house, dropping off a present for my daughter. I was in the bathroom when the doorbell rang ; it was my friend who opened the door. My mum practically threw in the package and left before I even realized what was happening. So I didn't really have a real chance to refuse the gift, since my daughter had already gotten it. If she hadn't, I am sure I would not have given it to her. No reason upsetting and confusing her even more.
I think giving it to charity is a beautiful choice. Lots of children don't get presents and some child will be happy with it. Without having to be confused about it.

Personally I also think it's a little odd that only two of your children are getting a present, while they know of the third one. That sounds like favouring some children over others, which is something BPD does of course. But that's doesn't have to mean you allow it !

[EstellaH]

Sorry I'm new here I assume NC means 'No Contact''? I have NC'd with my mother several times over the years but I always felt guilty and went back. We now have minimal contact. I can just about take the once or twice a year that we see her, but it's awful and i always have to take time to get over it. We just had her here for a few days, previously she's been ok with my kids but this time she favourited my older boy and almost blanked my beautiful daughter the whole time. I really f****** hate her, but love her at the same time.
I think if we NC'd again I wouldn't go back, she'll never change and I'll never get what I need from her. I think your right sending the gifts to charity with no acknowledgment. If that were my mum and I sent them back I think she'd somewhat enjoy the weeks of raging and crying that she could give to the situation, and how she tried her best, no acknowledgment is best. Our situations sound so similar my step father enables, he is so weak and misses his family so much but she won't allow anything but minimal visits to some of them. She has convinced him that they contrive against her and they are just nice normal people living their lives.

[ariadne3]

Yes NC means no contact. Sorry to hear about the last visit with your mother. I haven't had that happen to my kids but I knew it would eventually. I was limited contact for the last year before I went NC. The guilt kept me around and it helps that my sister is also NC so we can talk to each other for support when we feel guilty. It has been over 2 years now and I am happy to not have to worry or deal with the drama.