Looking for support and answers

[tnb]

We believe our 21 year old daughter is an undiagnosed BPD.  After years of dealing with self destructive, manipulative, and abusive behavior, we are at a breaking point.  Our entire family has been adversely effected by her behavior for so long that it feels like our home is set to implode any minute. 

Almost 3 weeks ago, after what should have been a simple conversation turned into WWIII, our daughter screamed repeatedly that she was going to kill herself.  This is far from the first time she has made that threat, but this time we gave her the option of going to the ER willingly with us or having the police take her.  She didn't want the embarrassment of having the police take her, so she went with me (mom). Afterward she was referred to an intensive outpatient program and is attending a group session 3 times each week.  It is something that is somewhat helpful for her which we appreciate, but it is not meant specifically for BPD and we are afraid this is just another situation in which she cons the people and the counselor and isn't receiving behavior therapy. 

We have set boundaries and refuse to enable her behavior.   She failed out of college a year ago and spent the past 2 years sleeping on friends sofas, bumming rides from them because she refuses to keep her car in working order, letting them pay her way, using boyfriends for a place to live when she doesn't want to deal with our rules... .basically she finds an enabler and attaches to them for what is usually about 6 months before they get tired of being used and dump her.  She cannot keep a job... .and it is alway the managers fault or a co workers fault, even though she is habitually late and calls in sick all the time, when she is usually hung over.

While we do continue to allow her to live with us, we do not pay any of her bills and have refused to for a couple of years. We won't put her out on the street, so we don't know what else to do. 

Every member of our family walks on eggshells.  Her mood swings are epic and we never know who we are dealing with or what we can say.  She is triggered by any conversation that causes her the slightest discomfort and forces her to look at her own behavior.  And the lying... .the lying is constant.  She lies about the most ridiculous things.  We honestly don't know how she keeps up with all the lies she tells.  She even justifies lying when she is caught not telling the truth because she believes that everyone lies hundreds of times each day. 

FYI We are an average family, mom and dad are still married, no one has any substance abuse problems, there is no physical abuse... .we never even spanked our kids, there has been no serious traumas in our daughter's life that would have send her down this path.  In fact she was a good student and dedicated athlete until she graduated from high school.  Then things went downhill fast.  We do believe this is mostly genetic due to family history (grandparents with personality disorders and substance abuse).  She is currently taking Effexor. We also believe that her addiction to social media feeds her disorder.

Can anyone please point us in the right direction to help us maintain our sanity and the mental health of our other children, while finding the best way to help our daughter?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Tnb.   Glad you found us... .sorry you had to.  : ((

First of all, if you have spent any time reading posts on this website, you will realize you are not alone.  All of us have been the best parents we knew how to be... .never thinking "this" would happen to us.  After about 40 years of dealing with our ubp daughter, I still shake my head.

Certainly your situation cannot go on the way it is but it is you who will have to make the changes.  See Lesson 2  "If your current approach is not working - change it."... .for starters.

I would strongly recommend that you and your husband track down a good counsellor... .for yourselves.  That would be someone who is familiar with BPD.  You need a professional sounding-board to help you along the way.  It is not "power" that you are needing... .instead it is the need to be "empowered."

Our daughter has played havoc in this family... .used us... .verbally abused to the point where we are now n/c with her... .our choice this time.  It would have been good years ago if we had found the tools/information that is available now. 

No one here is going to tell you that life is going to be easy with this adult child of yours but gains can be achieved... .especially for you and the rest of the family.  Your worlds should not pivot on her moods.  She has to take responsibility for her actions and any consequences that follow.

Hope to hear more from you TNB.  While people here will help by giving support... .sometimes suggestions... .your posts are important to others who are needing the same kind of support.

Huat