how do you help when they won't help themselves

[mybabygirl23]

I hear so often that parents of BPD children's biggest fear is losing them... .my biggest fear is giving up on my 21 year old daughter.  She has been sick since 5th grade and has been through so many treatments programs but always chooses to self medicate and blame others for her challenges.  I don't know what to do anymore - she isn't willing to stop the pot or alcohol and only participates in her treatment plan when convenient. If she isn't willing to try... .why should I?  (please reply with love and kindness, i feel horrible enough)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

My baby girl,
We're in the same boat!  Our DD18 left home, is currently trying to finish a high school credit, quit her job, stopped taking her meds, and stopped going to therapy.  At the end of October she ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt.  We tried (once again) to help her stabilize, and have been helping her get back on track financially.  We have now told her that she needs to get a job and pay at least half of the rent, or she needs to apply for social assistance.  I have the same question... .what do you do when they won't help themselves? 

Our therapist has said that she needs to do these things for herself.  We know that what she can do for herself, she should do for herself. (I learned that on this site!) We have now told her that she needs to have money for February's rent.  We will give her a ride to the office to apply for social assistance... .but will she follow through?  I guess only time will tell... .
Hang in there,
1hope

[qcarolr]

I don't know what to do anymore - she isn't willing to stop the pot or alcohol and only participates in her treatment plan when convenient. If she isn't willing to try... .why should I?

I keep trying because I love my DD31 regardless of what is happening. And I will always love her. I grieve her pain and fear. I feel sadness over the years that have gone by when she was self-medicating, blaming me, avoiding treatment. Some close to me say I am too kind, too loving, help too much. I remind them that she has spent most of the past 7 years with the homeless/transient community in our area. We do our best to keep our safety based boundaries in place. Yes, I am the one that has called the police several times. Yes, she ended up in jail some of those times. YES, I always kept a line of communication open to her.

The difference for me has been my own growing and learning and changing over this period of time. I worked through the tools and lessons, I read books, I went to therapy for myself and with my granddaughter (gd12 has always lived with me and her grandpa), I have reached out to my faith friends, I have found the few in my family that can unconditionally care about me and my family. I have shared my story here at bpdfamily. As I have changed how I communicate with DD, show her my love and stick to my boundaries as best as I can our relationship has grown, and DD has grown too.

I can say that things have changed for the better, especially this past year. DD31 and her partner M moved out of state and stopped doing hard drugs. They now have a 5 week old beautiful son. Day to day is still a challenge for them. I talk with DD every day as a friend and coach. She is no longer raging and blaming toward me. We have chosen to provide financial help for them. It is short term as dh plans to semi-retire next year. I have so much more hope.

We each have to figure out what our values are and how best to preserve and respect them in our daily actions with our kids. There is a lot of information on this site about values, validation and boundaries that helped me a lot. I also gained a lot from a couple of the books found under foundation reading on the list at the right. My preferred ones are by Shari Manning and by Valerie Porr.

Hang in there, keep coming back to learn and share.
carol