Keep trying or let her come to me

[senseofitall]

New to this site. My wife of 4 years has BPD and in her latest episode she decided she wants a divorce - she's brought it up before but this conversation was more serious. She sees a therapist regularly so I went along on Friday to try and talk through the issues. We decided we'd try couples therapy starting in the next couple weeks. Throughout this weekend I've told her i love her, tried to hug and hold her without any sort of acknowledgement. Yesterday she finally came and sat next to me when i was playing with our 5 month old daughter and i put my arm around her. She left that interaction still very upset/depressed. Later she yelled at me saying when she came up to me she was ready to move forward but said I didn't acknowledge her so she was still very upset - even though i did put my arm around her while we played with our daughter together. I have been trying to pull her out of it all weekend by asking how are you feeling, i love you and care about you but she's been in a daze the whole time. Nothing i do seems to be trusted or taken seriously.

Would you back off and give her space and let her come to me when she's ready or continue checking in with her?

I've started reading "stop walking on eggshells" and have found i can relate to so much in that book and realized I've really lost myself throughout trying to help her for the last 6+ years. so this weekend too I've been trying to focus more on myself knowing i am not in control and cannot fix this and trying will only continue to make me unhappy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi senseofitall,

Welcome! Have you heard yet about validating?

Scan through this list and check out the concept of validating/how not to invalidate: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Our BPD partners often have a higher need for validation, or a different style of validation than we might be used to.  I think she may want more than physical contact, she may want words... .It will be something you need to train yourself on, and it won't always work, but it might help improve things. I know my "partner" does not provide a lot in the way of words as comfort... .he can't think quickly about what to say, gets tongue tied, is often just not able to relate to me emotionally... .his emotions take center... .so, this is stuff you can work on rethink.

Working on it might make you feel better... .how it will all turn out is always unknown.

Are you using any skills or tools yet or still just making sense of this stuff?

wishing you the best, pearl.